The Mom Crowd

We were asked this question by a reader:

“I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m looking for a few reference books. My doctor is the type who will want to run every test available and I’d like as non-invasive a pregnancy as possible. Any ideas on books that will give me an alternative view from the “What to Expect…” view?”

What to Expect When You Are Expecting has some good information in it and the section that shows how your baby is developing is fun to read.  The problem with it however, is that it also tells you everything that can go wrong which tends to make mothers worry.  My husband actually told me to stop reading it when we were pregnant with our first son because I would call him practically in tears worried that some ache I was having meant that something was horribly wrong with the baby.  I know other women who have had similar experiences after referring to the book.  Some people do find it helpful but it is also very intervention oriented.  It offers a very medicalized view of pregnancy and birth.  **I know I ususally mention this in my posts about pregnancy and birth, but even if you plan on getting an epidural for pain relief there are other books out there with a less medicalized view of birth that can help you prepare for pregnancy and birth.

Here are my top 5:

The Complete Book on Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger-This book covers the development of the baby as well as all the changes that are happening with the mother.  This book takes more of a mother-centered approach (versus a medical establishment approach to pregnancy and birth). It covers hospital birth, homebirth, birth centers, waterbirth.  It does take a more natural birth approach to birth but perhaps if What to Expect is more up your alley this could be a book to read to help balance out the views in What to Expect.

The Birth Book by Martha Sears-This book is a great intro to labor and birth.  She is a nurse and her husband is a doctor.  They offer an alternative view of the routine procedures that are done within the medical establishment (episiotomies, continuous fetal monitoring, testing…).  There is tons of information in it about laboring techniques, what happens during labor, and procedures offered during pregnancy and labor.

Creating Your Birth Plan: A Definitive Guide to a Safe and Empowering Birth by Marsden Wagner-This book is top notch for giving you information to help you make an INFORMED decision as you come up with your birth plan and think about what kind of birth you want.  It explains a lot of the medical procedures and interventions in addition to giving you guidelines to make sure you choose a provider that will listen to you and offer you mother-centered care.  Marsden Wagner is a doctor who has seen the worst part of medical care for pregnant women in the US.  He holds nothing back about the way that many women are treated when they are pregnant or in childbirth.  

Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer-This book addresses topics that many pregnant woman face and what research shows about it (i.e. episiotomy rate, inductions, epidurals, intermittent fetal monitoring, the difference between how doctors and midwives view birth, routine breaking the waters…)  

Natural Birth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-Obviously this book is about natural birth.  It is very practical and covers many relaxation techniques, the ins and out of what is happening to your body during labor, laboring with a posterior baby, different laboring positions, and pushing positions.  It has lots of helpful pictures and diagrams.

Did What to Expect make you freak out?  What helpful books did you read during pregnancy?  Have you read any of these books?

My family  just moved from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to Dallas, Tx (for the summer) in a car and moving truck. That’s right,  21 hours of actual driving time.  In two days.  That made for long days  with pit stops.

To be fair, I have to admit that I did not make this trip with them.  I flew to Dallas with the 21 month old the same morning everyone else left Pittsburgh.  We thought that maybe it would be better for the toddler to not have to endure such a greuling road trip in a short amount of time.  My in-laws came up to help a few days before the big move day.  My husband planned on driving the moving truck while  my in-laws planned on driving the car with the kids in it.

My mother-in-law came up with a FABULOUS idea that I wanted to pass onto everyone.  She showed up with some plans in her road trip arsenol.  She bought some plastic gold coins and told the boys that they could earn the coins by doing special jobs around the house.  They each had a bag to put their collected coins in.  She told them that when they were on their big road trip they could spend their “money” at “Mimi’s store”.  Since we were still packing up for the move there were plenty of jobs to do around the house–especially since I’d been having some complications from the miscarriage and hadn’t been able to get as much done as I needed to.  The boys were excited to earn gold coins and were even more excited about being able to buy special treats from her store.

She also came with a DVD player, a borrowed Leapster, and Nintendo DS.  We let the boys pack their backpacks with toys and brought a basket of books to help with entertainment.

We were worried that the boys woulde be upset because they weren’t going to be riding in the moving truck with daddy.  Thankfully, Mimi’s Store was a HUGE hit.  What did Mimi have at her “store”?  She had some inexpensive toys like slinkys, stickers, and spray foam.  She had lots of food items like goldfish, cheese crackers, and cookies.  She also had pixie sticks, fruit rolls, and fruit chews.  It was an indulgence for sure–they don’t normally get a lot of those kind of snacks at home but we figured that being stuck in a car for 12+ hours a day for two days was a good reason to let them have some extra fun.

Her idea was genius because it helped on the front end with all the jobs and packing that needed to be done AND it helped to pass some of the long hours in the car.  Doing the extra jobs around the house also kept them occupied as more and more of their toys were packed on the truck and the house was being cleaned.

If you are planning a road trip (or even a plane trip) I think this is a great strategy to help pass the time.  So I pass it on to all you moms who are planning summer travels in hopes that you can use this to make your road trips more enjoyable!

Happy Travels!

*photo courtesy of spader

Here are ten ideas for taking care of yourself:

1. Create a babysitting swap group with a group of mom friends.  When it’s your turn to drop off the kids take a book to Starbucks and drink some coffee.  Errands, shmerrands!

2. Have your husband put your kids to bed while you take a long, luxurious bath instead.  Make sure you tell him thanks! 

3. Turn off the TV an hour earlier than you normally would and go to bed early.  In the morning you won’t care who got voted out of Here Come the Newlyweds, I promise!

4. Take a leisurly, post-dinner walk with or without the family to unwind a bit before tackling the bedtime routine.  

5. Trade off with another couple once a month and swap babysitting each other’s kids so you and husband can go out on a date.  You need time to connect with your husband!

6. Fix yourself a healthy lunch rather than eating the kid’s leftovers.

7. Fruit punch concentrate+pineapple juice+coconut rum+ice in blender=YUM! Even better when served to you by your shirtless husband

8. On summer nights after the kids are in bed, sit on the porch, patio, or deck while you listen to the birds.  No writing lists for tomorrow, no talking on the phone….just sit and enjoy the sounds.

9. Take a nap while your little ones are sleeping.  If you have non-nappers, stick in a movie for them and take a nap.  And don’t feel guilty about it!

10. Have sex with the hubster more often!  Read this article from MSNBC to read about how studies say sex is good for you!

Have a happy Thursday!

Thank you so much for all your comments from my post last week.  We are doing well despite the circumstances and I am trying to navigate my way through the grief process.  I’m finding it a little difficult because we are so busy with all of the packing for our move.  I find myself avoiding being alone and I don’t like silent moments.  I think that if this move weren’t hanging over our heads I would want to stay in bed longer.  Usually when I wak up, I find myself evaluating how I’m feeling and then the enormous list of things to accomplish for the day take over and out of bed I go.  

After our experience with our miscarriage last week, I wanted to write a follow up post about it.  My ideas about how I handled the situation may seem a little “earthy-birthy” to some, but I truly believe that many women have the same thoughts about letting their babies go.  I hesitated mentioning my desires about how I wanted to deal with the actual passing of the baby because I thought it might seem weird.  I want women to know that they aren’t alone.  The idea of letting my baby fall into the toilet and flushing it down into the sewer system was too much.  My baby is too precious to me to let it get flushed down the toilet.  I didn’t like the idea of the d&c for the same reason. I know that some medical facilities treat miscarriage tissues with care and offer parents a chance to take it home but most don’t.  Even if my baby was 2.5 inches big he/she was still mine and precious to me.

I woke up on Friday morning with strong contractions.  After an hour I got up and knew that the baby would be coming out.  I had a jar in the bathroom and when I stood up I knew I needed to get to the jar.  I held it between my legs and gave a little push and everything came out into the jar.  I was surprised that when I looked in the jar the baby was right on top.  I felt relief that I was at home when this happened and not out running errands.  I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been to deal with that in a public setting.  I called for my husband who was downstairs with the kids.  I showed him the baby and we had a lovely moment together crying, hugging, and mourning the death of our baby. My baby had 10 fingers and toes, eyes, nose, and mouth.  He was precious.  I’m glad that we were able to see the baby–it somehow made the pregnancy more real to me.  I am amazed at how little babies are formed in our wombs.  

We knew that we wanted to have a burial service for the baby sometime that day but I had to deal with all the aftermath of passing the baby.  I had a significant amount of blood loss and we were concerned that we were going to have to go to the ER to get help with the bleeding.  We had talked to some friends who knew about the situation at the moment and had them praying for us.  Thankfully, the heavy bleeding and cramping finally slowed down and I was able to stay at home and rest.  It was a difficult day.  The kids weren’t doing well, my husband was not doing well.  Somehow seeing the baby opened up his daddy heart and he was able to grieve.  Before, he had on his husband hat and was concerned about me and my own physical health.  We decided to postpone the little service for the baby until Saturday morning.  

I decided to bury the baby under my favorite tree in the front yard.  It is a beautiful Japanese Maple tree that I love looking at.  The leaves are purple and red and when the sun shines down on the tree it is just beautiful.  The boys climb on the tree too and I knew that it would be the best place to bury the baby.  My husband read part of the service out of the Book of Common Prayer and we said the Lord’s Prayer together as a family.  It was very simple and just what we needed.  Our boys did well with the service and our 4 year old said on the way back into the house, “Mommy, I hope when we have another baby that it doesn’t die and that it keeps growing.”  Me too, Isaac, me too.  Ewan, the 5 year old, asked again why the baby died.  We tried to answer as best as we can because even we don’t know why.  It was hard to believe that something was wrong with the baby when I saw him/her.  To me, the baby was perfect.  

We decided to name the baby Keeva (phonetic spelling) which is Gailec for “beloved”.  It is a girl’s name but we picked it for the meaning rather than the gender.  I put together a shadow box on Saturday to have a special keepsake for our baby.  A good friend knitted some little baby booties for Keeva and I put those in the box along with the sonogram picture and name.  It felt like we were experiencing some healthy closure.

I talked with a friend of mine who has also had a miscarriage and I was so relieved to know that my desires to bury my baby and not just flush him/her down the toilet were not totally out of the ordinary.  She is a midwife and also knows many other mothers who have had miscarriage who have done similar things that we have (with catching the baby and having a little burial service).  I have only heard one person talk about it though before.  A friend shared with me many years ago that after she had a miscarriage she put the baby in a potted plant for similar reasons.  I think if she had not shared her experience with me so many years ago that I would have felt extremely strange and alone with my desires to catch my baby and bury him/her.  I share my story with you so that you know that you aren’t alone.  You aren’t weird or crazy for wanting to keep your baby nearby.

I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do about this sort of thing, and that is okay.  I don’t want to make anyone feel bad if they didn’t choose to catch the baby and bury it.  I realize that some circumstances don’t allow for that to happen.  I just wanted to ofer my story so that anyone else who has done something similar but is afraid to share it won’t feel alone.  And of course I want everyone to know that there are options out there for how to deal with a miscarriage.    

Next week, I promise I’ll write about something else–thanks for listening to my story. I hope that someone finds hope and encouragement through it.

This is just my story, I’m still coping…We just found out yesterday that we lost our baby.  I had an ultrasound scheduled last week at my midwife visit to check on dating and also because I was having a little spotting.  Monday night I had more spotting and was looking forward to the sonogram because I was hoping that the spotting was normal and that I would be relieved to see the baby was doing fine.  

We went to the sonogram as a whole family so my husband and kids were there. As soon as she put the paddle on my tummy, I saw the baby but no heartbeat. (I’ve been to a few sonograms so I knew what to look for.)  She didn’t have to tell me because I knew.    The sonographer quietly whispered that we may want to take the kids out.  I looked at my husband and asked if he heard what she said.  I told him with a look and he knew.  We didn’t want to take the kids out because we knew we’d have to tell them anyway and I didn’t want my husband to leave and be in the room by myself.  She asked if we wanted a picture of the baby which was very kind of her. I asked her if she could tell when the baby had died.  I was a little over 11 weeks and the baby was measuring a little over 9 weeks.  She left to go tell the doctor what was going on and to page the midwife on call.

Our 5 year old picked up pretty quick that something was not quite right and asked what was going on.  I started crying and we told the boys that the baby had died. We told him that mommy and daddy were feeling sad.  He came and gave me a big hug and tried to cheer me up by telling me that I would be okay.  He was sad for a minute and then pretty much moved on.  All three boys were more interested in the sonogram machine and how it works.  Their curiousity and inability to really understand what was going on diminished the emotional impact of what was happening.

On the very quiet car ride home, I had a hundred thoughts going through my head.  Was it the Advil Cold and Sinus I took a few weeks ago?  Was it the cold I had?  Was it all the stress of moving? Was it my own doubts of how I would handle raising 4 children? Or how sometimes I felt like all this transition would be easier if I weren’t pregnant? Basically, was this somehow my fault?  Logically, I know this is very unlikely but the thoughts kept coming anyway. I think it is a natural part of the grieving process to ask those questions just to get them out there.

When we got home we made some coffee, let the older boys play on the computer, and sat on the floor with, Graham, the toddler and played blocks with him.  I think we were feeling thankful for the quiet and relaxed atmosphere of being at home.  I turned on the tv and watched The View just to escape the reality of the situation for a while.  It wasn’t until we laid Graham down for a nap that my husband and I had time to talk and process how we were feeling, what we were thinking, and to connect emotionally while the older two were happily playing in their bedroom.  I’m thankful that my husband doesn’t have a “what’s the big deal, you were still in your first trimester” attitude about it.  He is sad too–in a little bit of a different way.  He was excited about this baby and as we have been making all our plans for the future and our big move to England– this little baby was in every scenario.  We cried together and it felt really good to tell him all the things that were going through my mind.  

We called our families and told them the news and then we called friends.  We’ve only had a few of the unhelpful comments that Mckenna wrote about several months ago.  Sure, I know that there was probably something wrong with the baby or the placenta.  Sure, I know that everything will be fine. Sure, I know that God is there in the midst of all this.  Of course, I know that I should be thankful for my 3 healthy boys.  I KNOW that–but it doesn’t take away from the fact that we lost something that is precious to us!  Most of those came from the same person (who of course shall remain nameless and doesn’t read this site).

Our community of friends and neighbors have been wonderful.  One of my husband’s professors (who is also a priest) called last night to pray for me over the phone.  She was willing to come to our house if we wanted and offered to come up to the hospital if we end up needing to go there for a D&C.  A good friend of mine who has also had a miscarriage brought by a meal.  Some other friends have offered meals too.  Another friend brought by some flowers that are beautiful.  Several friends have offered to take the boys for a while.  We have lots of friends praying for us and offering to help in any way that we need it.  We feel deeply loved and cared for.  I have been amazed the care being given by our friends.  They are doing everything they know to do to help us out.  

I’m still waiting for the actual miscarriage.  I had an appointment with the midwife this morning to get a rhogam shot since I am rh-.  I asked her how long it would take for the cramping and passing of the baby to start.  She couldn’t really say one way or another but that if it didn’t happen in the next week I should consider getting a D&C.  I’d rather not go that route unless needed. I am not particularly fond of the idea of someone scraping out my uterus and treating my baby like it was medical waste.  And even though the risks and complications with a D&C are small, I don’t want to do it unless my body doesn’t naturally pass the baby.  

I imagine that seeing the remnants of the baby will be difficult and that I will have moments of grief over the next several months.  I don’t want to go into the pit of despair but I do want to allow myself to grieve when the moments come.  It is easy in a faith community, like the one we are involved with, to feel like I have to put on a positive face about it.  I don’t want to rob myself of feeling sad about something I was very much looking forward to.  

A friend had given us a shadow box after Graham was born and I hadn’t decided what to do with it.  It has been sitting on my dresser, empty.  My husband suggested that we put one of the sonogram pictures in the shadow box as a keepsake for our precious little one.  I loved the idea and am glad to have a memory of our sweet baby.  

When it comes down to it, there never is any perfect thing to say to anyone.  The things I have appreciated the most are “I’m sorry for your loss, May the Lord bring you comfort, My thoughts are with you, I’m sad with you, How can I help?”  The things that communicate that people are along side us in our journey mean the most.  Advice or pat answers, not so much.  

What do you do if a friend loses a pregnancy?

• Offer a meal.
• Call to say your sorry.
• Ask to take the other children for a while.
• Send some flowers.
• Bring by a pint of ice cream.
• Show up to the house and give hugs.
• Write a little note telling the family you love them.
• Offer to pray for them (if you are of that persuasion).
• Offer a listening ear.
• Allow your friend to talk about other things if she wants to.  

I’m sure there are other things to add to the list…feel free to add them in the comments section!  Maybe you found some things helpful when you went through this yourself.  

P.S. In writing this post, I’m not looking for a bunch of sympathy.  Don’t feel like you should or have to say anything!  I did want to write a post that would be helpful for others.  And honestly, I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired to write about anything else.  This has been a little mind consuming as you can imagine.  I feel like I need help dealing with my own kids when my emotional margins are small and fragile!  I’m living in the reality that there are MANY, MANY things to do while dealing with the emotional impact of losing the baby as well as some  bleeding while I wait for the acutal miscarriage.