The Mom Crowd

On Wednesday, Christy posted about secondary infertility.  It was a deeply personal topic for her and one that greatly encouraged others.  I was encouraged by Christy’s gentle reminders of what to say (and what not to say) if I ever find myself conversing with a friend in that position.  Thank you, Christy (and dear readers)!

Ironically, Wednesday was also the day that one of my friends began the in vitro fertilization process for the first time.  I will call this friend Allison.  Naturally, my heart thought of Allison and her husband as I read Christy’s words.  Infertility has long been their battle, and IVF is a huge step for them. 

One thing I love about my friendship with Allison is that we are completely different from one another.  She’s an introvert; I am not.  She is an engineer; I most definitely am not.  She is hard to get to know; I am not.  She doesn’t like “The Office” (and oh, how I do).  You get the idea.  I think it is from sheer perseverance on both our parts that we have become close at all. 

It was nearly a year into our friendship when she revealed to me the depth of her sadness about wanting to become a mother.  I had always wondered why this fantastic couple didn’t have children, but I didn’t want to pry.  The day Allison started to open up to me, I felt that she was handing me a fragile part of her heart, and I needed to care for it responsibly.  I can recall few times when I have been so cautious with my words. 

Allison and her husband talk with others about their infertility issues as little as possible.  They don’t like being asked, on a regular basis, about “how things are going” or “pregnant yet?”  They know their friends and family have the best of intentions, but the constant questioning irritates and saddens them.  They have even refrained from telling certain family members about the IVF process, as a measure of emotional protection for themselves.  Not only do they dislike having to give detailed updates on a regular basis, they feel they are disappointing others when nothing changes.  They are so consumed with their own worry, the idea of letting too many others in on it would put even more on their shoulders.

Over the past several months, I have learned from Allison that she desires prayer and concern from others, but she doesn’t want conversations to revolve solely around her infertility.  She desires her friends to check in occasionally.  To ask first if it’s something she is up to talking about.  To give hugs generously and to use words sparingly. 

These are lessons I think a lot of us well-meaning mothers could use.  I hope Allison’s story will give you strength to support someone you love in a similar situation.

Have you ever been on either side of this process, either as the friend or the woman pursuing IVF?  What were the challenges you faced in relating to the other?  Is there a right thing to say?

photo courtesy greekadman

Earlier this week, Christy shared ideas for helping our little ones and their constipation.  I thought I’d follow that up with my child’s polar-opposite issue: plentiful poop and the yearning to play with it!

My son is two, and the discovery of his feces is nothing out of the ordinary for a child his age.  About 3 months ago, it happened for the first time: I’d go into his room to get him up from his afternoon nap only to find him sitting there, somewhat happily, in the middle of a poop-smeared crib.  Poop everywhere: on the sheets, the pillows, the stuffed animals, the railings, his hands, feet, legs, and fingernails.  Mm, mmm, and it smelled good, too.

My daughter had gone through this fecal-phase briefly as well; hers lasted for two or three days.  I expected my son’s fascination to pass just as quickly (no pun intended).  However, it soon became a routine for him.  There was one week wherein I had to disinfect every inch of his room three consecutive days.  Don’t forget the baths and scrubbing of the tub each time as well.

Our solution then was to put pajama pants on our boy every time he goes to bed, even when it’s hot.  (The a/c has to be turned down a little more every afternoon at naptime as a result.)  We still do this on a daily basis.  The pants deter him from digging.  Occasionally, I forget to put the pants on, or I think he might not need them anymore.   And those are the same occasions when I realize PANTS ARE NECESSARY.  FOR THE LOVE OF LYSOL, PUT THE BOY’S PANTS ON!!  Will I never learn? 

What To Expect the Toddler Years was my first stop for information.  Many of their suggestions were things we’d already instituted, including

• fastening diapers securely so access to the goods is limited or impossible
• recognizing patterns in bowel movements in order to predict and circumvent future occurrences
• providing the child with healthy and better-smelling tactile play activities (like dough, finger paint, sand, etc.)

Out of curiosity, I Googled this topic, and started with the words “kids who play…”  All kinds of responses were listed in the drop-down window, and I was amused to find that “kids who play with poop” is just sixth on the list.  The search led me to Babycenter.com’s Q & A on toddler poop-playing, and the solution with the highest success rate is to give the toddler a brief cold shower after the poop-cident.  Although it seems a bit extreme, I can see how a desperate parent would want to find an effective consequence for a child who is passionate about playing with his or her BM’s.

What do you think, Mom Crowd?  Have you faced this issue?  What worked for you and your child?  And do any of you have coupons for Febreeze?  I sure go through a lot of it!

photo courtesy mrsmecomber

My favorite book on parenting is Finding Your Purpose as a Mom by Donna Otto.  I bought this book at Borders one afternoon while browsing around, shortly after my oldest child was born.  It stayed on my bookshelf for about a year, until spring 2007, when I had extra room in my schedule and my mind to take it all in.  Over the past two years, I have read and re-read this excellent book, and endeavored to put many of Ms. Otto’s tips into practice.

Finding Your Purpose as a Mom is filled with practical ideas.  I love Ms. Otto’s chapters on keeping the home in order, maintaining peaceful relationships with family members and friends, and making the house a welcoming, inviting home.  But beyond the practicality of her ideas lies chapter after after chapter about envisioning the future for your family – having an idea of how you’d like your kids to grow up, and living intentionally to seek after those goals.

My favorite application in this regard is listing qualities I’d like to see in my children as they grow older.  When I first read the book, I made a list of 10 for my daughter, and put it on my nightstand as a reminder of my overarching purpose as Lucy’s mother.  Here are three of Ms. Otto’s many examples:

• I want [my home] to grow a man or woman of prayer.
• I want [my home] to grow a person of character and integrity.
• I want [my home] to grow a culturally discerning person.

I love the author’s gentle insight.  She is older than me (probably older than my mom), yet her wisdom doesn’t seem dated.  Rather, it’s timeless.  She shares many stories from her own parenting experiences – successes and failures – to flesh out her advice, and she is encouraging to her readers in such an inspiring way that I feel refreshed after consuming any chapter.  It moves me to action.

If you are needing some inspiration or advice amidst this vast and tiring career called motherhood, Finding Your Purpose as a Mom is an encouraging “shot in the arm”.  Donna Otto’s book Secrets to Getting More Done in Less Time is also great – an in-depth outline of her specific strategies for organization of home life.  Both of these books would make great gifts, too – especially for a new mom.

What unconventional parenting books have made a difference in your life?  Do share!  And have a great weekend, Mom Crowd!

For me, one really fun thing about having a daughter is fixing her hair in cute ways.    By the time her second birthday arrived, it was finally long enough for some styling action.  Here are some of my favorite hairstyles:

1. 

Classic pigtails.  They’re much longer now. 

2. 

The “Jo from The Facts of Life” ponytail.

3. 

Pigtail braids.

4. 

What Lucy and I have dubbed “The Boingies”.  (They go “boing boing”.)  These are pigtails that are pulled through almost all the way and turned into little poofs.

5. 

Leaving it down.  This is Lucy’s favorite.  She always asks if it’s too hot outside.  If it’s not, she asks to leave her hair down.

What are your favorite ways to fix your little girl’s hair?

“Mommy, can you try to be more patient?”

My 3-year-old daughter said this last night.  Several things ran through my mind at that moment:

1. Wow, she knows what patience is and how to use that word in context!  She’s a genius!
2. I guess I’m really failing at my parenting role at the moment.
3. Wait a minute, haven’t I been pretty darn patient this week??

My husband has been out of town since Sunday morning, and he comes home tomorrow night.  Seven straight days of solo 24/7 care of my kids.  (He was gone for a week in June, too, so I’m feeling pretty worn down.)   I know for many of you moms out there, this is how your life looks, too.  Our spouses have to leave for periods of time for a variety of reasons.  I’m sure we all have ways of coping with our tremendous parenting responsibilities on our own.

Here’s how I’ve survived this week (having been… “mostly” patient):

• I made lots of plans with friends.  Lunches out, dinners in, swimming dates, what have you.  I’ve been loading and unloading my kids from the car several times a day.
• I registered my older child for Vacation Bible School for the week.  Not only did this give her something special to do each day, it lightened my morning load so I only had to care for one child.
• I updated my facebook status about fifty times a day to vent or brag, whichever need was stronger.
• I watched a stack of chick flicks.
• I managed to get in my running routine, getting creative with scheduling & childcare.
• I said no when I needed to say no.  I was going to go to a potluck dinner on Monday night until my kids started their evening meltdown.  I opted to stay in and put them to bed early.  Good call.
• I hardly did any chores around the house.  The sheets will get changed, the clothes will get washed, and the floors will get swept next week. 
• I ate ice cream right out of the carton.

Meanwhile, my kids decided to test my disputed patience level with endless fighting, tantrums (thanks, new 2-year-old!), screaming that made my ears bleed, repeated and annoying questions, and refusals to eat more than half of each meal.

When Lucy asked me to be more patient, I had just finished yelling about how they weren’t cleaning up their toys.  (Yep, that old chestnut.)  By the end of Day Five, that kind of seemed allowable.  I mean seriously.  I can’t be supermom all the time!  I did calmly try to explain to her that I have been patient most of the time, and that should count for something!  Of course, all she heard was “Blah blah blah, blah BLAH, blah BLAH,” to which she responded, “NOW will you read the book to me?”

Alas.  We’re alive, we’re well, and we’re happy, for the most part.  Have a great weekend, Mom Crowd!

photo courtesy dieselbug2007