The Mom Crowd

Children are born wanting to grow up to be just like their parents. We are their constant role-models and their sneak peak into their adult lives. To think that I’m the only mom my two children are going to have blows my mind! Even at their very young ages, I have seen them start to emulate my husband and myself. Some of the things they’ve picked up from us are super cute. Some things they are picking up from my husband and I are not so cute. I have seen my three year old pick up bad habits that only I can take credit for and my 16 month old’s temper is seemingly familiar. I have started to be more aware of how many bad habits and inappropriate things I’m doing in front of my children. I have started to really pay attention to the things I do and say in front of my kids.

There are a few biggies that I have really been trying to avoid when my children are awake and in earshot.

Arguing with my spouse
While this is very obvious, it is something that is not always easy. Finding time to have that “debate” with my husband can be hard because sometimes I don’t want to wait until they’re in bed. It stresses my kids out when my husband and I are tense toward each other. They really pick up on our relationship dynamics!

Lying
Those little white lies like “tell her I’m in the shower and I can’t talk right now” are setting a very bad example. Children can not determine the difference between white lies and major lies, and it’s not fair to expect them to have integrity and to always be honest if you are not setting that example for them.

Gossiping or speaking badly about others
Those side comments about the horrible driver in front of you or talking bad about someone else while you’re talking on the phone is being carefully documented by your little one. We all want our children to be positive, encouraging people and we’re doing them a disservice by exposing them to the negative, discouraging world of gossip and putting down other people. I have a hard time with this when I’m talking to my husband about the happenings of the day. It’s easy for me to slip a negative comment in there about someone that made my day more difficult and I really don’t want my children to focus on the negative aspects of other people.

Swearing (and the like)
The words that you do not want coming out of your child’s mouth shouldn’t be coming out of your mouth when your kids are present. This goes beyond the standard s-words and b-words and includes “retarded” (which is a word I despise when it’s abused!) or “crap” or even simple things like “I hate that!” I have not been as careful as I should be about what comes out of my mouth in front of my children. Neither one are really talking yet, so I haven’t had my true reality check where one of my children says something that is inappropriate but I know that they are listening and remembering every word that I say and every reaction that I have.

The flip side to all of this is that our children are also taking notes of all of our wonderful attributes! When we do something generous for someone else, our children are watching. When we speak kindly about someone on the phone, our children are listening. When we give our spouse a big ole’ kiss when he walks in the door, our children feel warm inside because their parents love each other. Nobody is going to be a perfect example for their children at all times. We’re all human and all have our weaknesses. The best we can do is become aware of the things we’re doing that we need to change and try to change! We can also strive to do positive things in front of our children and hope that they are paying more attention to our positive habits than our negative ones.

What other areas do we need to guard against in front of our children? What areas do you struggle with the most as a mom?

I am writing this with humility, because I am guilty of this topic. I think most moms have been caught up in a competitive parenting mindset at one point or another, though. These competitive parenting conversations range from everything from basic child-rearing practices, who delivered the biggest baby, who’s child accomplished major milestones the earliest (walking, potty-training, getting their first tooth, etc.) to who breastfed their child the longest. The funniest thing about our competitiveness as moms is that it isn’t limited to having the most advanced child. Sometimes, the competition is about who’s child gets up at night the most, who’s child had colic the longest, who’s child was the latest walker, who’s child is the pickiest eater, who’s child wasn’t potty trained until they were five, who’s husband helps the least, etc. I am embarrassed to admit that I have actually tried to one-up other moms about Connor’s horrific colic which forced me to hold him all night, every night, on the couch and to wear him all day in the Baby Bjorn. Why???

This isn’t limited to the “typical developing” world! Trumping and one-upping is very prevalent in the world of raising children with delays. When I’m around other parents of children with Down syndrome, I feel like I can let my competitive nature go wild because there is a “fair playing field” (not true) when comparing Darah to children who also have Down syndrome. Just like moms of typical developing children, these competitive conversations are sometimes about who’s child is the most advanced and sometimes about who’s child is struggling the most or has the most health issues.This competitive attitude comes out with our closest friends and with complete strangers. I believe that most parents are competitive because we all want validation in our parenting and sometimes we want the other mom to know we’re doing an ok job in parenting. When we has it harder than the other mom, we feel better that we’ve gained sympathy from the other mom or feel validated for being grumpy with our husband!

The Today Show has this article which gives five tips for dealing with other moms who are competing unsolicited. They suggest trying to understand where your friend is coming from and if she is feeling insecure about something, not allowing your friend to determine what your goals or success is, respond in noncompetitive ways and being reaffirming to your friend, refusing the urge to one-up your friend and just letting the conversation be about her, or letting your friend know how you feel.

If your struggling with competing with other moms, I suggest that you slow down and keep a proper perspective. Kids who are not living an overly structured life and have time to explore and have free play are “more creative, more self-sufficient, and less stressed than other children.” If your child potty trains at 13 months old or at 3 years and 11 months old, I am going to guess that there will be absolutely zero long-term effects. Earlier walkers do not climb the corporate ladder faster than late walkers. I have joked that my epidurals during my deliveries does not mean my Mother’s Day card is smaller!

It’s wonderful to be proud of your child and perfectly natural to engage in some minor bragging, but it’s important to try not to cross the “I can trump that” line.

How has competitive parenting affected you?

I have played the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game since Day One of getting pregnant with my first child. I wished I would not have gone skiing and hot-tubbing before I knew I was pregnant. I wished I wouldn’t have forgotten my prenatal vitamin so many times. This guilt game has just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been a mom. After my daughter was born with some health issues, I instantly took responsibility for her health problems! I was mad at myself for knowing she probably had Down syndrome and not researching more information to better equip me to be her Mommy. I also took responsibility for Connor’s heart defect because in my mind, there was surely something wrong with me. I think the hardest guilt-trips I’ve gone on have had to do with having a child with special needs and never feeling like I’m doing enough for her.

This game of “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” is not limited to the major issues of my parenting, however. I have punished myself for letting my kids watch too much television, and have given myself the necessary lashing for trimming my children’s nails to short and drawing blood. What’s so bad about the nail-trimming incident is that I’ve heard my dear friend beat herself up about this before, so I should have been even more careful! Then there’s always that time that I won “Mother-of-the-Year” when I decided Darah could fuss for a while in her room. After 10 minutes of Darah fussing, I angrily went in her room to find that her leg was stuck between the wall and her toddler bed. The big mistakes I’ve made, along with the little mistakes I’ve made as a mother seem to turn into self-condemning and major guilt-trips. My resounding guilt-trip these days is not spending enough quality time with my children.

Before you start thinking of why you’re an even worse mother than I am and completely beat yourself over the head for things you’ve done as a mother, read on!

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I received the most adorable personalized frame from Munchkin Designs! The owner, Lisa Komer is very talented and her products are unique, personal, and custom. Her products include picture frames (like the one I received), stationary (note cards, invitations, holiday cards, birth announcements, etc.), canvas art, albums, journals, artfolios, “birthday-in-a-box,” and she will soon be selling Big Sister/Big Brother gift sets. You can join her mailing list to be notified of all of her up and coming products.

The frame I received is great quality. I love the vibrant colors and love that it’s personalized. Darah loves it as well! Our frame arrived packaged very safely. My husband even commented on how much he liked the frame and mentioned that he liked that the glass was “real glass, and not that plasticky film that comes with most children’s frames.” Lisa’s follow-up on her orders is excellent. She sent me an email confirming that I received my order. These frames are a great way to accessorize your child’s room! They also would make excellent gifts for baby showers or birthday parties!

If you’ve read our blog for any amount of time, you probably have figured out that I’m all about anything that helps further medical research. Munchkin Designs tugged my heartstrings when I learned that 10% of all profits are donated to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. She has a very special card designed specifically to raise awareness and further research on blood cancers. Half of all purchases of these cards are donated to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society through August 31, 2008.

If you’ve been reading our blog, you probably have also learned that I also am a sucker for discounts! Munchkin Designs is offering The Mom Crowd readers 15% off of all frame purchases. Her website is being redesigned and will soon be taking online orders. In the meantime, to receive your 15% discount, email your order to lisa@munchkindesigns.com with the discount code: MC2008. This discount is good through April 3, 2008!

Over the last year, I have had two precious little girls in my life receive a diagnosis of leukemia. Both girls are doing well and are both in remission. One will still be receiving chemotherapy over the next couple of years though to make sure she stays in remission. I haven’t been able to help my friend who is local with babysitting her other children during hospital stays and chemotherapy treatments because of the demands (and constant viruses) of my two children which has left me feeling inadequate and wishing I could do more. These little girls are amazingly brave and my heroes. Their mothers have been such an inspiration to me and I consider it a privilege to have them in my life!

Even though I haven’t been able to physically help in ways I wish I could, I decided that I had almost a foot of hair that I could share with the ever-so-fabulous organization, Locks of Love. Locks of Love is a nonprofit organization that helps disadvantaged children suffering from medical hair loss. Most of these children have cancer or alopecia, a medical condition which causes hair loss. As moms, we all know the important role our hair plays in our confidence level. Through hair donations, Locks of Love creates hairpieces for children (both girls and boys) whose families are not financially able to purchase these expensive hairpieces. I am so excited to have participated in this mission by donating 11 inches of my hair to Locks of Love.

I will be honest, parting with my hair was not easy! I scheduled my appointment several times and chickened out because I really loved my long hair. I finally sucked it up and went in to cut my hair and share it with someone who would enjoy it even more than I did. I am so glad I did. It feels amazing to help a child in such a special way. Taking a risk and trying a new hairstyle is a very small sacrifice compared to what these children have had to sacrifice against their will. Besides, new styles are always fun to try! Katie Holmes, Jenny McCartney, and Victoria Beckham have made the bob super trendy and it’s so much easier to fix than my long, layered hair!

Ways to support Locks of Love:

• The most obvious way to get involved is to donate at least 10 inches of your hair. If your hair donation is shorter than 10 inches, bleached (highlights usually use bleach) or is naturally gray, they cannot use it for the hairpieces for children, however you can still donate it to offset the manufacturing costs. For more detailed information, please visit: www.locksoflove.org.
• You can also support Locks of Love by sending monetary donations, which are tax-deductible.
• Albertson’s Grocery donates 4% of all purchases to Locks of Love when shoppers use a special key tag. To receive your keytag, send your name and address to: volunteer@locksoflove.org
• Purchase this super cute charity bear. Ten percent of the gross proceeds are donated to Locks of Love.
• If you live in the Palm Beach County, Florida area, volunteer your time at their office.
• If you know of a child who has a chronic medical condition causing hair loss and financially disadvantaged, you can send their information to Locks of Love. Forms and more information is on their website.

This list is not all inclusive. For more ways to help Locks of Love, please visit their website. I want to end this post with a beautiful statistic I found on Locks of Love’s website. It is estimated that 80% of hair donations to Locks of Love come from children who want to help other children. I hope that my daughter will join that statistic when her hair is long enough to donate!