The Mom Crowd

This post is for moms of biological and moms of adopted children.  After birthing two children and adopting one child, I have noticed that bonding with your new child, no matter how they joined your family, does not always go smooth.  Amanda wrote a post sharing her own difficulty in bonding with her newborn. 

There are two main attitudes that women should approach motherhood with:

No expectations

• After dreaming about your child as he or she develops in your womb or after staring at a single picture of your child who is halfway around the world for 9-18 months, the expectations that you have of who this child is and how they are going to behave are really not based on anything more than fantasy. 

Understanding that bonding may not happen naturally or immediately

• Hollywood has placed an unreasonable expectation on mothers that they are supposed to immediately fall in love with their new child.  Friends, family, and loved ones also add to the theory that “good mothers fall head over heels in love instantly” with their new child.  This is not realistic and does not happen for a lot of mothers.  By going into the orphanage or the delivery room with the understanding that bonding probably won’t happen instantly, I think mothers have set the stage for true bonding to begin.  The disappointment and surprise when the bonding does not happen immediately can prolong and interfere with the progression of true bonding.

Mothers who keep the above two ideas in mind when meeting their child for the first time have a great foundation set to form a deep and intimate bond with their new child.  For moms who do not feel connected to their child, they do not need to sit and wait for that feeling of closeness and deep love for their child to arrive.  Those feelings may not come without intentionally seeking out a close bond with their new baby.  Even mothers who feel that they did instantly bond with their new child need to be proactive in deepening and strengthening the bond they have already begun to form with their new child because stress and sleep deprivation can do wonders on that bond!

There are many practical ways to foster and encourage a close bond with your child with an attitude of intentionality.  I did not do all of these with my children.  I suggest picking and choosing some of these ideas that will work for you, however do not choose your activities based on what feels natural for you because if you are not feeling attached to your child it is likely that none of these activities will feel natural for you.

• Kangaroo care (this helps newborns and children who are new to their forever family feel close to their moms and can also help moms to feel close to their new child).
• Breastfeed (even mothers who are adopting small children can choose this option!)
• Counseling: Sometimes feeling like you’re not able to bond with your child stems from Post-Adoption-Depression-Syndrome or Post-Partum-Depression-Syndrome.  Both are VERY COMMON and you should seek help and support from professionals who have experience and training in PADS or PPDS.
• Slow down the other areas of your life and focus on your relationship with your child. It’s more important for you to spend time with your new child than with your dishes and vacuum cleaner during these first few months with your new little one.
• Get some time away. Go to the bookstore or out to coffee with a friend.  Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
• Baby wearing.  This especially helped me in bonding with my daughter who we adopted.
• Have your child sleep in your bedroom or stay with your child until he or she is asleep. 
• Talk about your feelings of detachment from your child with your spouse or close friend who will understand and encourage you.
• Be diligent and wait for the fruit of your labor.  Love is a verb which becomes a feeling after it is practiced. 

These activities not only promote mom’s bond and attachment to their new child, but also promote a healthy bond and attachment from new baby or child to mom.  Sometimes the feeling of being bonded to your new child comes after your new child is exhibiting evidence of being very bonded to you. 

Have you had trouble bonding with your new child?  What are some things that helped you in fostering a closeness with your new child?

This last week, I volunteered at my church’s Vacation Bible School.  It was a wonderful time, but incredibly exhausting!  Our church’s VBS was in the evenings from 6:30-9:15.  I volunteered very last minute as a crew leader, which meant I was responsible for taking 5-7 children through each VBS station.  The first night was overwhelming for me.  I had six children in my crew.  The two boys in my crew were hyper and wild!  I was constantly having to shhh! them and remind them to listen.  I had one little girl who wasn’t content unless all four of her limbs were wrapped around my leg.  In addition to a group of energetic children, I was performing all of the high energy songs and dance moves, mediating arguments over who was going to sit by me, and hunting down the nurse for icepacks for boo-boos.  I got home after those first two nights feeling completely drained and over-stimulated.  However, toward the middle of the week, I started feeling like I was getting to know these children better and started noticing the numberous positive qualities that each of them had.  I started looking forward to seeing them and following up on the stories they shared with me the evening prior.  It was wonderful and inspiring to see their love for God and I finished the week feeling as though I had a positive impact on these children’s lives and that they had taught me something about the simplicity of faith. 

Our church went all out for Vacation Bible School.  Our theme (like many churches this summer) was Crocodile Dock.  We went through the week’s swamp theme, stopping at a snack, game, interactive Bible story, craft, candle-light discussion, and large group stations.  The kids had a blast learning about Moses, the plagues, and telling the Pharoah to “let my people go!”  Every night we learned about how much God loves us and that we should “FEAR NOT!”  One of the most awesome experiences of my week was when one of my little guys told me that he was sad his friend wasn’t there.  He thought she was going to come and she wasn’t.  Tuesday evening, we prayed that she would come and I can not even describe the look on his face when he saw her on Wednesday night.  He was so excited that God answered his prayer and was overjoyed at the gift he had in communicating with God.  All he spoke about the remainder of the week was about how God heard his prayer.  I loved being a crew leader and even though it was exhausting, I would totally do it again! 

My own children are still too young to participate in Vacation Bible School, but I can’t wait for them to be a part of it!  Here are some reasons I think parents should sign their children up for Vacation Bible School.

•  You get a several hour break from your kids every day for a week!
• Your children will be in a loving environment with people who care about their well-being.
• Your kids will have a blast!  There is no such thing as a boring VBS!
• VBS will reinforce what you have been trying to teach your children about God, if you are a Christian.
• VBS is a good way for you to get to know a church that you do not attend if you are looking for a church home.

Have your children attended VBS’s this summer or in summers past?  Have you ever volunteered at a VBS at your church?

Last week, my son was stung by a wasp on his hand.  He didn’t cry and he didn’t have a reaction until about two days later.  His entire hand was swollen and red.  I called my pediatrician and the nurse told me to just keep an eye on it and to bring him in if it became hot to the touch.  It cleared up after about two days of redness and swelling.  The day after it cleared up, he was stung by another wasp!  (We found the nest and my husband has reclaimed our backyard from those horrible creatures!)  Again, we didn’t notice any reaction at all and he didn’t cry or act like it hurt.  Two days later, his entire arm was swollen and this time, incredibly hot to the touch.  There was a huge red spot covering his entire bicep.  While the reaction was similar to the first sting, it was a lot more intense.  So, I called the doctor and he wanted me to bring him in.  I shamefully told him that my son had been stung by wasps twice in the same week and reassured him we found the nest.  The doctor thinks it is at high risk of becoming infected, so we were given instructions to prevent infection, which could turn to a staph infection.  I didn’t know that wasp and bee stings could lead to infection.  It makes sense when I think about it, but I thought allergic reactions such as breathing difficulty were the only real risk of wasp or bee stings.

So, until my son’s boo boo heals, we are to do the following:

• Use ice to relieve pain or discomfort
• Apply hydrocortisone cream to it twice a day
• Take over-the-counter Zyrtec instead of Benedryl because our doctor thinks it works better and my son becomes hyper and wirey on Benedryl, which is opposite most children.
• Clean it twice a day with a clorox/water solution.  I have never in my life heard a medical professional direct someone to use clorox bleach, so this was interesting to me.
• Fill a prescription for a steroid cream and have it on hand in case the red spot becomes streaky or asymmetrical and call or take him to the hospital right away.

I initially felt silly even being concerned about my son’s wasp sting, especially since I had already called the pediatrician last week about the same issue.  I tend to write off what I consider small medical issues because I have three children who all carry their own set of more major medical issues as it is.  But I am glad I listened to my gut that this reaction was worse than last week’s reaction.  I have learned in parenting and medical care for my children is that medical professionals are paid by me (and my insurance) to answer my medical questions and treat my children, so I have given up on feeling guilty about using the service that I am paying for.  Besides, what a parent may think is minor, may actually end up being serious, so it’s always better safe than sorry!

Have your children had a reaction to bee or wasp stings?  Am I the only one whose never heard of cleaning an infected area with a clorox/water solution?

Recently, my daughter had her very first teeth cleaning.  She has visited with the dentist a couple times, but they had not actually cleaned her teeth before this past week.  She did a-maz-ing!  She laid on the exam chair like such a big girl and laughed when the dentist counted all twenty of her teeth.  She also allowed the hygienist to scrape the plaque off her teeth, clean them, and apply varnish.  I was incredibly proud of her.  She excitedly picked out a slinky from the prize box at the end of our visit and we drove on home to tell Daddy what a big girl she was.  There are a few things that contributed to our very successful trip to the dentist.

Choose the right dentist and make practice visits

• Ask fellow moms for dentist recommendations.  Call and ask if you can visit the dentist office (without having an exam).  See what kind of feel you get when you visit their office and talk with their staff.  If you do not get the warm fuzzies, find another dentist.  There is absolutely no reason why you should not feel happy and comfortable when you walk into a pediatric dentist office.  It’s also a good idea to stop by the office to say “hi” a couple times before the actual exam so your child is familiar with the staff and knows where the cool toys are stored. Our dentist actually plays his guitar for kids before their exam! 

Lay down to brush teeth

• Our dentist taught us early on to brush our children’s teeth while they laid on the ground.  I thought he was nuts until I heard his rationale.  It’s actually quite brilliant.  One of the scariest parts of dental visits for small children is laying down while someone bends over you with a toothbrush.  You can take away this awkwardness by always laying them down to brush their teeth at home.  Also, you get a MUCH better look at their teeth and do a better job at brushing in this position. 

Find a sitter for siblings

• I have found a wonderful college age girl who babysits for me during the day so I can take my children to their many appointments and leave the others at home.  I think the one-on-one time I had with my daughter at her dentist appointment really helped to keep her calm and comfortable.  I was not distracted by her brother pulling down the dental tray or pushing the buttons on the dental chair.  I was calmer, so she was calmer. 

Bring Lovey

• Need I say more?  Lovey does not leave my daughter’s bedroom because I am terrified of losing her.  However, Lovey made an extra special trip to have her teeth cleaned with my daughter. 

Talk positively about the dentist trip

• Before our appointment, I told my daughter that she was a big girl, so she was going to meet a very special person who was going to brush her teeth.  I told her that the dental hygienist was going to tickle her teeth with a special toothbrush and make sure they were extra white and extra clean.  I told her that it was going to be a special time with just Mommy and her and she would receive a special treat and a new toothbrush.  I reminded her of her Barney episode about visiting the dentist and we sang some of those songs.  I called a girlfriend and told her that my big girl was going to have a fun trip to the dentist that day and built up the appointment to my friend while my daughter was in earshot.  By the time we arrived to our appointment, she was excited!

Have you taken your child for his or her first dental visit?  How did they do?  What helped make your trip successful?  What contributed to a not-so-great dental visit?

Several of my friends have been discussing with me how they are tightening up their monthly budgets.  We have been doing the same in our house.  We live in a pretty small house for having three children and I am happily trying to spend less money so we can move into a little larger home hopefully soon after the first of the year!  One area of our family’s budget which we have a lot of control over is our grocery bill.  We include diapers, toiletries, and cleaning items in our grocery bill and have budgeted about $500 a month on grocery items.  While that is not very much money for a family of five, with one on Pediasure, it’s a very doable number for our family.  However, I am trying to get that number even lower!

For the last two months, I have come in at $430 and $450 on our grocery bill-saving $80 and $50 dollars those months, which I think is great!  Both of those months, we had some unexpected expenses come up, so it was nice to have the cash already saved to spend on those unexpected expenses.  Here are some ways I’m lowering my grocery bill:

• Buy more generic.

I’ve always been a generic shopper, but there are some brand name items I prefer over generic.  On those items (like tomatoes, for instance), I’m halfing Hunts with generic and am not noticing the difference in the taste of my spaghetti sauce!

• Cook less meat.

There are a lot of great meals that do not require expensive beef and chicken.  For example, instead of taco night, I’m making bean and cheese chalupas.  We also ate a lot of chicken and rice and I have been replacing those meals with rice, bean, and vegetable varieties.  We still eat meat, but we’re just eating less of it.

• Try not to throw anything out.

I will typically buy fruits and vegetables and let them go bad in my refrigerator.  I am trying not to let that happen as often.

• Plan meals and shopping trips.

This is probably the hardest step for me, but it really makes a difference.  My grocery shopping time is Sunday nights now and I try to get everything I need for the entire week that night.  I find that I spend too much money on things we don’t need during my quick trips for milk or bread.  By eliminating those quick trips, I’m spending a lot less money!  I also have found that I spend less money when I don’t have the kids with me.

• Compare prices.

Bagged beans are way cheaper than canned beans and while they require a little more work, the little savings here and there make significant dents in your grocery bill.  Our grocery store has the price per ounce on the price sticker.  That is a very convenient tool to use when shopping.  Since some brands will package their items in different quantities, you can use this part of the price sticker to know if you are really saving any money by buying a little more bulkier of an item or a different brand.

These are just a few things that have helped me in my quest to lower my grocery bill.

Are you a coupon shopper?  What are some tricks/tips you have to save money on groceries?  How much does your family budget or spend each month on groceries?