The Mom Crowd

We were asked this question by a reader:

“I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, and I’m looking for a few reference books. My doctor is the type who will want to run every test available and I’d like as non-invasive a pregnancy as possible. Any ideas on books that will give me an alternative view from the “What to Expect…” view?”

What to Expect When You Are Expecting has some good information in it and the section that shows how your baby is developing is fun to read.  The problem with it however, is that it also tells you everything that can go wrong which tends to make mothers worry.  My husband actually told me to stop reading it when we were pregnant with our first son because I would call him practically in tears worried that some ache I was having meant that something was horribly wrong with the baby.  I know other women who have had similar experiences after referring to the book.  Some people do find it helpful but it is also very intervention oriented.  It offers a very medicalized view of pregnancy and birth.  **I know I ususally mention this in my posts about pregnancy and birth, but even if you plan on getting an epidural for pain relief there are other books out there with a less medicalized view of birth that can help you prepare for pregnancy and birth.

Here are my top 5:

The Complete Book on Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger-This book covers the development of the baby as well as all the changes that are happening with the mother.  This book takes more of a mother-centered approach (versus a medical establishment approach to pregnancy and birth). It covers hospital birth, homebirth, birth centers, waterbirth.  It does take a more natural birth approach to birth but perhaps if What to Expect is more up your alley this could be a book to read to help balance out the views in What to Expect.

The Birth Book by Martha Sears-This book is a great intro to labor and birth.  She is a nurse and her husband is a doctor.  They offer an alternative view of the routine procedures that are done within the medical establishment (episiotomies, continuous fetal monitoring, testing…).  There is tons of information in it about laboring techniques, what happens during labor, and procedures offered during pregnancy and labor.

Creating Your Birth Plan: A Definitive Guide to a Safe and Empowering Birth by Marsden Wagner-This book is top notch for giving you information to help you make an INFORMED decision as you come up with your birth plan and think about what kind of birth you want.  It explains a lot of the medical procedures and interventions in addition to giving you guidelines to make sure you choose a provider that will listen to you and offer you mother-centered care.  Marsden Wagner is a doctor who has seen the worst part of medical care for pregnant women in the US.  He holds nothing back about the way that many women are treated when they are pregnant or in childbirth.  

Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth by Henci Goer-This book addresses topics that many pregnant woman face and what research shows about it (i.e. episiotomy rate, inductions, epidurals, intermittent fetal monitoring, the difference between how doctors and midwives view birth, routine breaking the waters…)  

Natural Birth the Bradley Way by Susan McCutcheon-Obviously this book is about natural birth.  It is very practical and covers many relaxation techniques, the ins and out of what is happening to your body during labor, laboring with a posterior baby, different laboring positions, and pushing positions.  It has lots of helpful pictures and diagrams.

Did What to Expect make you freak out?  What helpful books did you read during pregnancy?  Have you read any of these books?

My family  just moved from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to Dallas, Tx (for the summer) in a car and moving truck. That’s right,  21 hours of actual driving time.  In two days.  That made for long days  with pit stops.

To be fair, I have to admit that I did not make this trip with them.  I flew to Dallas with the 21 month old the same morning everyone else left Pittsburgh.  We thought that maybe it would be better for the toddler to not have to endure such a greuling road trip in a short amount of time.  My in-laws came up to help a few days before the big move day.  My husband planned on driving the moving truck while  my in-laws planned on driving the car with the kids in it.

My mother-in-law came up with a FABULOUS idea that I wanted to pass onto everyone.  She showed up with some plans in her road trip arsenol.  She bought some plastic gold coins and told the boys that they could earn the coins by doing special jobs around the house.  They each had a bag to put their collected coins in.  She told them that when they were on their big road trip they could spend their “money” at “Mimi’s store”.  Since we were still packing up for the move there were plenty of jobs to do around the house–especially since I’d been having some complications from the miscarriage and hadn’t been able to get as much done as I needed to.  The boys were excited to earn gold coins and were even more excited about being able to buy special treats from her store.

She also came with a DVD player, a borrowed Leapster, and Nintendo DS.  We let the boys pack their backpacks with toys and brought a basket of books to help with entertainment.

We were worried that the boys woulde be upset because they weren’t going to be riding in the moving truck with daddy.  Thankfully, Mimi’s Store was a HUGE hit.  What did Mimi have at her “store”?  She had some inexpensive toys like slinkys, stickers, and spray foam.  She had lots of food items like goldfish, cheese crackers, and cookies.  She also had pixie sticks, fruit rolls, and fruit chews.  It was an indulgence for sure–they don’t normally get a lot of those kind of snacks at home but we figured that being stuck in a car for 12+ hours a day for two days was a good reason to let them have some extra fun.

Her idea was genius because it helped on the front end with all the jobs and packing that needed to be done AND it helped to pass some of the long hours in the car.  Doing the extra jobs around the house also kept them occupied as more and more of their toys were packed on the truck and the house was being cleaned.

If you are planning a road trip (or even a plane trip) I think this is a great strategy to help pass the time.  So I pass it on to all you moms who are planning summer travels in hopes that you can use this to make your road trips more enjoyable!

Happy Travels!

*photo courtesy of spader

Here are ten ideas for taking care of yourself:

1. Create a babysitting swap group with a group of mom friends.  When it’s your turn to drop off the kids take a book to Starbucks and drink some coffee.  Errands, shmerrands!

2. Have your husband put your kids to bed while you take a long, luxurious bath instead.  Make sure you tell him thanks! 

3. Turn off the TV an hour earlier than you normally would and go to bed early.  In the morning you won’t care who got voted out of Here Come the Newlyweds, I promise!

4. Take a leisurly, post-dinner walk with or without the family to unwind a bit before tackling the bedtime routine.  

5. Trade off with another couple once a month and swap babysitting each other’s kids so you and husband can go out on a date.  You need time to connect with your husband!

6. Fix yourself a healthy lunch rather than eating the kid’s leftovers.

7. Fruit punch concentrate+pineapple juice+coconut rum+ice in blender=YUM! Even better when served to you by your shirtless husband 🙂

8. On summer nights after the kids are in bed, sit on the porch, patio, or deck while you listen to the birds.  No writing lists for tomorrow, no talking on the phone….just sit and enjoy the sounds.

9. Take a nap while your little ones are sleeping.  If you have non-nappers, stick in a movie for them and take a nap.  And don’t feel guilty about it!

10. Have sex with the hubster more often!  Read this article from MSNBC to read about how studies say sex is good for you!

Have a happy Thursday!

Until recently, I assumed that the divorce rate among parents of children with special needs, including Down syndrome have a higher divorce rate than parents of children who do not have special needs due to the additional obstacles these parents face. I was surprised to learn that, in fact, parents of children with Down syndrome have a lower divorce rate than parents of children without special needs. In my own marriage, I can see how having Darah has strengthened my relationship with my husband. She is an absolute joy to parent and watch grow up.  Neither of us could have ever dreamed that we would have this much love for someone.  Our perspective on life is drastically different than what is likely would have been had we not had a child with special needs.  We appreciate the small things and have overcome very big things since Darah has joined our lives, which has definitely strengthened our relationship.  Truth be told, having a child with Down syndrome has most certainly added stress to my relationship with my husband, but we both hands-down agree that the most stressful season of our relationship were the colicky days of our typical developing son. 

This article discusses research performed at Vanderbilt Kennedy Center. One theory in the article as to why the divorce rate may be lower among parents of children with Down syndrome may be due to the “Down syndrome advantage.” Meaning, children with Down syndrome have easier behavior than typical children and that parents of children with Down syndrome are often older, more educated, and married before having children.

I disagree with their theory.  This article isn’t accurate when they say that most children with Down syndrome are born to older parents. Actually, most children with Down syndrome are born to parents UNDER the age of 35. This is a very common misconception, even misunderstood by some physicians. While it is true that women over the age of 35 have a higher chance of having a child with Down syndrome, the pregnancy rate every year after age 35 decreases exponentially compared to the pregnancy rate before age 35. So, if you consider that most children in general are born to women UNDER 35 years old, there is going to be a larger pool of children born with Down syndrome in that population, due to sheer numbers. In other words, if a 49 year old woman has a 1 in 10 chance of having a child with Down syndrome, but it’s difficult to find ten 49 year old women having babies.  If a 26 year old woman has a 1 in 800 chance of having a child with Down syndrome, it is pretty easy to find 800 24 year old women having babies.  {I hope that makes sense!} 

I have my own theory on why the divorce rate is lower in parents of children with Down syndrome. If you consider the fact that in the U.S., more than 90% of babies who are prenatally diagnosed with Down syndrome are aborted, most babies born with Down syndrome are born into families who either refused prenatal testing because it did not make a difference to them or learned of their child’s diagnosis prenatally and chose to give that child life regardless of their number of chromosomes.  I believe that their approach and attitude about raising their children is what positively influences their marriages.  My theory is consistent with this research findings that parents of children with special needs other than Down syndrome actually have a higher divorce rate than parents of children without special needs.  Most other serious congenital issues are not detected prenatally as often as Down syndrome.  I believe that once autism and other congenital issues are able to be determined prenatally, our population is going to sadly become a lot smaller.  Most people are unaware of the waiting lists in the United States of people who WANT to specifically adopt a child with Down syndrome and other special needs.  Of course, that is my own personal theory. I’d love to hear yours!

Are you surprised to learn that the divorce rate is lower among parents of children with Down syndrome?  Why do you think the divorce rate is lower among parents of children with Down syndrome?

Thank you so much for all your comments from my post last week.  We are doing well despite the circumstances and I am trying to navigate my way through the grief process.  I’m finding it a little difficult because we are so busy with all of the packing for our move.  I find myself avoiding being alone and I don’t like silent moments.  I think that if this move weren’t hanging over our heads I would want to stay in bed longer.  Usually when I wak up, I find myself evaluating how I’m feeling and then the enormous list of things to accomplish for the day take over and out of bed I go.  

After our experience with our miscarriage last week, I wanted to write a follow up post about it.  My ideas about how I handled the situation may seem a little “earthy-birthy” to some, but I truly believe that many women have the same thoughts about letting their babies go.  I hesitated mentioning my desires about how I wanted to deal with the actual passing of the baby because I thought it might seem weird.  I want women to know that they aren’t alone.  The idea of letting my baby fall into the toilet and flushing it down into the sewer system was too much.  My baby is too precious to me to let it get flushed down the toilet.  I didn’t like the idea of the d&c for the same reason. I know that some medical facilities treat miscarriage tissues with care and offer parents a chance to take it home but most don’t.  Even if my baby was 2.5 inches big he/she was still mine and precious to me.

I woke up on Friday morning with strong contractions.  After an hour I got up and knew that the baby would be coming out.  I had a jar in the bathroom and when I stood up I knew I needed to get to the jar.  I held it between my legs and gave a little push and everything came out into the jar.  I was surprised that when I looked in the jar the baby was right on top.  I felt relief that I was at home when this happened and not out running errands.  I couldn’t imagine how difficult it would have been to deal with that in a public setting.  I called for my husband who was downstairs with the kids.  I showed him the baby and we had a lovely moment together crying, hugging, and mourning the death of our baby. My baby had 10 fingers and toes, eyes, nose, and mouth.  He was precious.  I’m glad that we were able to see the baby–it somehow made the pregnancy more real to me.  I am amazed at how little babies are formed in our wombs.  

We knew that we wanted to have a burial service for the baby sometime that day but I had to deal with all the aftermath of passing the baby.  I had a significant amount of blood loss and we were concerned that we were going to have to go to the ER to get help with the bleeding.  We had talked to some friends who knew about the situation at the moment and had them praying for us.  Thankfully, the heavy bleeding and cramping finally slowed down and I was able to stay at home and rest.  It was a difficult day.  The kids weren’t doing well, my husband was not doing well.  Somehow seeing the baby opened up his daddy heart and he was able to grieve.  Before, he had on his husband hat and was concerned about me and my own physical health.  We decided to postpone the little service for the baby until Saturday morning.  

I decided to bury the baby under my favorite tree in the front yard.  It is a beautiful Japanese Maple tree that I love looking at.  The leaves are purple and red and when the sun shines down on the tree it is just beautiful.  The boys climb on the tree too and I knew that it would be the best place to bury the baby.  My husband read part of the service out of the Book of Common Prayer and we said the Lord’s Prayer together as a family.  It was very simple and just what we needed.  Our boys did well with the service and our 4 year old said on the way back into the house, “Mommy, I hope when we have another baby that it doesn’t die and that it keeps growing.”  Me too, Isaac, me too.  Ewan, the 5 year old, asked again why the baby died.  We tried to answer as best as we can because even we don’t know why.  It was hard to believe that something was wrong with the baby when I saw him/her.  To me, the baby was perfect.  

We decided to name the baby Keeva (phonetic spelling) which is Gailec for “beloved”.  It is a girl’s name but we picked it for the meaning rather than the gender.  I put together a shadow box on Saturday to have a special keepsake for our baby.  A good friend knitted some little baby booties for Keeva and I put those in the box along with the sonogram picture and name.  It felt like we were experiencing some healthy closure.

I talked with a friend of mine who has also had a miscarriage and I was so relieved to know that my desires to bury my baby and not just flush him/her down the toilet were not totally out of the ordinary.  She is a midwife and also knows many other mothers who have had miscarriage who have done similar things that we have (with catching the baby and having a little burial service).  I have only heard one person talk about it though before.  A friend shared with me many years ago that after she had a miscarriage she put the baby in a potted plant for similar reasons.  I think if she had not shared her experience with me so many years ago that I would have felt extremely strange and alone with my desires to catch my baby and bury him/her.  I share my story with you so that you know that you aren’t alone.  You aren’t weird or crazy for wanting to keep your baby nearby.

I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do about this sort of thing, and that is okay.  I don’t want to make anyone feel bad if they didn’t choose to catch the baby and bury it.  I realize that some circumstances don’t allow for that to happen.  I just wanted to ofer my story so that anyone else who has done something similar but is afraid to share it won’t feel alone.  And of course I want everyone to know that there are options out there for how to deal with a miscarriage.    

Next week, I promise I’ll write about something else–thanks for listening to my story. I hope that someone finds hope and encouragement through it.