The Mom Crowd

I began motherhood as a parent of a child with special needs.  I really don’t know what parenting is like without having children with medical concerns and special needs.  What I do know is that I view motherhood as one of the most beautiful gifts I have received.  My children are beautiful creations and through them God has placed some amazing people in my life.  My dearest, closest friends are friends I have made or become closer to after becoming a mother.  I often have struggled with feeling as though I have been loved much more than I am capable of reciprocating because these people in my life can love like no one else I’ve ever met. 

I am sure it can be intimidating if one of your friends or someone you know has a child with special needs.  You may not know how to approach them or may feel awkward around them or their child.  When that mom talks about frustrations that are bigger than anything you’ve dealt with as a mom, you may not know how to respond to them.  As the parent of children with special needs, I’d love to share with you some ways to support, encourage, and deepen your friendships with moms of children with different needs than your children. 

Allow the friendship to be two-sided

• It is hard for me when a gal pal makes the entire friendship about my needs and doesn’t allow me to encourage and support them.  My closest friends are friends who talk to me about the things happening in their lives without fearing that their drama is less important than mine.  Don’t hold back discussing your life with your friend because you are afraid that they have more important issues than yours to talk or think about!  Allow them to comfort and encourage you!

Ask questions

• If you do not understand what their child’s needs are or want to know about something, do not be afraid to ask.  Most parents would rather you ask questions than make an assumption.  For example, when my daughter had feeding issues at birth requiring a feeding tube that most people had never seen, it was relieving to me when someone would ask me what the tube was.  I felt like most people were scared of the odd tube coming out of my newborn baby’s nose and it felt good when people would approach me and ask what it was or why she had a feeding tube.  
• Be slightly careful with advice or suggestions though.  Even if you have experience with an issue the mom is dealing with, don’t be too forceful with your input or opinion about the situation.  They likely have a bunch of specialists, therapists, and mother-in-laws helping them with the issue and probably forcing their own suggestions on their shoulders.  Just like with all your mom friends, they are not going to share the same parenting philosophy as you on every issue.  And the definition of their issue may be different than in the world off the typical developing child.  For example, with a child with medical or developmental issues, they may not be able to use the “he’ll eat when he’s hungry” approach with their picky eater.  However, don’t allow yourself to cross over from being sensitive with advice to being afraid to talk about their child’s struggles.  It’s ok to suggest anything, just without becoming forceful or overly opinionated. 

Pay attention to what is said

• Write down important days coming up  in your friends’ life.  If they have a special education meeting with their school, remember the day so you can follow up with them about how it went.  If they mention a week full of doctor’s appointments, ask if their other children can come over to play while they’re at the appointments.  It always feels good when somebody remembers what you tell them.  

Allow them to be negative and vent

• It is hard to maintain a positive attitude about the struggles involved in raising a child with special needs.  When your friend vents, pouts, cries, or is ultra negative about a situation, give them your ear and shoulder.  Try not to assume that they are overall unhappy about their lives though because they have these bouts of negativity.  I get frustrated whenever I see my OB/GYN doctor because he saw me at my very worst when my first child was born with Down syndrome and my second child was born with a heart defect.  I always feel as though he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that life really is going great because he will always see me as the mother grieving for the children she expected to have, but didn’t.  I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world and even though I pout and become very negative about certain health issues they face, it is freeing to know that I have a few ears and a few shoulders who can handle that crying and even whining knowing how much I love my children.  Those people have even told me I’m very positive about the situations I’ve faced, which shocks me because they get to see the nasty side of me during hard and scary times. 

Remember that they’re moms just like you

• Talk about the things you talk to other moms about.  Do not feel intimidated because their parenting experience is a little different than yours.  Invite them to playdates.  If they’ve mentioned that their child has sensory issues and does not like over-stimulating environments, plan a quiet playdate at your house.  Ask them mom advice.  Don’t assume that they are too tired for a phone call or a moms night out.  In fact, plan a time for you to get together sans kids! 

All of these suggestions have come from being on the very wonderful receiving end.  I hope that you will reach out to a mom you know who has children with different needs than your children!

We have all been there before – you have done everything you can possibly think of and your baby is still crying. They have a clean diaper, they have been fed, burped, they aren’t sleepy, have clean clothes, temperature is right, they don’t have a fever, they aren’t constipated, the room is quiet, being held in their favorite position, they are healthy as far you know, and yet they are still crying. I would like to suggest another tool for your tool belt – prayer.

In the 5 months of my son’s life there have been times when Roman will cry uncontrollably. I can tell it is a different cry than when he is hungry or sleepy. It’s heartbreaking and nerve racking at the same time. So when my son is in this mood all I can think to do is pray. I also feel like he picks up on my stress level. If I am calm, then he will be more likely to calm down. So first I calm myself. Then I hold him in a quiet room in a comfortable position and I pray to God.

Here are some of the things I have prayed.

• I pray against any fear that he may have. Sometimes I think he becomes afraid and that is why he is crying. I don’t know why this prayer works, but it does.  I actually say out loud, “I pray against a spirit of fear.” And then reassure my son that he has nothing to fear, that we aren’t going to leave him and I will always be with him.

• I pray for peace. I pray that his little body will have peace. I say the words, “peace and relax” in a soothing voice over and over. Even saying the words to myself, gives me peace.

• I pray for healing. Sometimes I think he may not be feeling well and I have no way of knowing what is bothering him. So I pray a general prayer asking God to heal whatever is ailing my son.

• I ask the Holy Spirit to comfort my son. In the Bible the Holy Spirit is called the Great Comforter. I believe that the Holy Spirit can comfort my baby in a way that I can not spiritually, so I ask for his help.

• I pray that my son would know how much he is loved. His father and I love him a lot, so do family and friends, and his Creator. I believe that babies find great comfort and peace when they feel loved and when they are told they are loved.

These five ideas for prayer aren’t new, but they are a good reminder to pray when your baby is flipping out.  Now what to pray when a toddler is flipping out and throwing a tantrum is a whole other set of prayers! LOL.

Do you pray for your baby when he or she is crying? What do you pray for?

Sponsor Saturdays is a new feature on The Mom Crowd. Each Saturday we will be highlighting one of our six sponsors.

***Keep reading all the way to the end to find out how you can win a Baby Sling  or Nursing Cover and a Promotion Code ***

Tot-to-Go has the coolest baby slings, nursing covers, and accessories. The founder, Shani Sam, is the mother of two beautiful girls. She started her company out of a need that arose after the birth of her first baby. I’ll let Shani share her story own in words.

Amanda: Why did you create Tot to Go?
Shani: Before my first daughter was born, I had decided that I would take a break from teaching after my one year maternity leave was up. This turned out to be the right decision and one of those things that was “just meant to be”. My first baby girl was 5lbs 11oz. She wasn’t as small as some preemies but she definitely was small for most standard baby carriers. The trouble was Madeline wanted to be carried all the time and I was feeling tired and frustrated. I tried many different brands and types of carriers and slings but I just couldn’t find one that I really loved so I decided to make my own. I didn’t get very far with my project when my daughter was diagnosed with Biliary Atresia, a rare and terminal liver condition. I put my idea aside and concentrated on taking care of my baby.

After Madeline had her liver transplant and was recovering well at home, I started working on my baby sling project again. I tried several designs and cuts and Madeline was the model for every single product I made at home. She was still very small after transplant and tired very easily. Having the slings around was fantastic for keeping her close to me throughout the day.

I went to a baby show and carried Madeline in one of our original slings and received compliments and inquiries all afternoon. Shortly after the baby show, I decided to try my hand at being an entrepreneur and put my baby sling on the market. The response has been so positive. People can relate to my story of constantly carrying my daughter in my arms and going crazy from pacing back and forth all day and all night (it’s pretty much what most parents go through!). When they hear or read about how the baby sling made my life easier and kept me from going insane, they also consider giving baby wearing a try. Why not? Baby wearing has been around for ages!

A:What makes your slings unique?  Do you design them yourself?
S: There are so many baby slings and carriers on the market and many of them are very similar. When I was shopping for a sling for my first baby, I was really confused by the different fabric choices, complicated tiered pricing systems and whether to buy stretch or non stretch. I wanted to keep things very simple. All our slings are fully lined and reversible and made with 97% cotton and 3% Lycra for just the right amount of stretch. I like to think that we are priced pretty competitively for the quality product we offer.

Last year we started using custom fabrics and many of our customers say that is what sets us apart from local and North American competitors. I’m now trying my hand at designing my own fabric for an even more custom look. The goal is for people to see our beautiful prints and know right away that it’s a Tot-to-go.

A: What are the benefits of baby wearing?
S: Baby wearing provides a lot of great benefits for parents and babies. Babies love the womb like feeling of being carried in a sling or carrier. They enjoy listening to the comforting sound of your heart beat when being worn close to your body. Wearing your baby allows you to keep your hand free to complete daily tasks or to care and spend time with older children. Did you know that babies that are worn cry 43% less? Now that’s a benefit that most parents will appreciate!!! These are just a few reasons to wear your baby. Here is a bit of a personal reason that might seem silly but I like to wear my baby because the sling helps cover up my postpartum belly. Everyone is so interested in the baby and the sling that they don’t notice your extra bit of baby jiggle!

A: What is the weight range that the slings can hold?
S: Our baby slings are suitable for use for babies from newborn up to 34lbs. If you have a tiny baby, it helps to fold up a receiving blanket into a small rectangular “pillow” and tuck it in the sling first for support. Also remember that baby slings are sized for the parent and not the baby. You should be able to use the same size sling throughout your baby’s growth and development unless you experience a sudden weight loss or gain.

A: You also sell nursing covers. How does using a nursing cover make nursing in public easier?
S: Some moms are super comfortable with their bodies and don’t feel self-conscious about breastfeeding in public. Hooray for these mommies! I like to be covered up when breastfeeding in public and also at home when people visit. That’s just my personal thing. I don’t like people seeing parts of my body that I consider private. The funny thing is I talked to some other nursing moms who said they weren’t as worried about covering up their breasts in public as they were about hiding their tummies while breastfeeding. This isn’t such a biggie if you are wearing a nursing tank or top that provides discreet access for feeding. If you don’t want to invest in an expensive new nursing wardrobe, a nursing cover is an affordable option for breast AND tummy coverage! Using the cover is also great if your baby tends to be distracted by noises and sounds when you are out and about in public. I have recent experience nursing my new baby girl in public and I can attest that a nursing cover does come in handy!

A: Finally, you are the mom of 2 beautiful girls. What advice would you give to new mothers?
S: Something I learned the second time around is that you should try to accept any kind offers of help. If you can, delegate tasks out to helpful family members and friends. I don’t know what I would have done without my mother and mother-in-law when Olivia was born. My mother was kind enough to take care of big sister Madeline and my mother-in-law made sure my husband and I were well fed those first two weeks post partum. Make sure you nap whenever you can. I am not one to nap but I took everything opportunity to sleep whenever I could!

*** Win a Madeline Baby Sling OR Nursing Cover! (They are pictured above!) *** Now Closed

Here is how to enter:

• Go to Tot-to-Go’s website, pick your favorite sling design, and come back here and write in the comments of this post which is your favorite design!

Winners will be chosen at random and announced next Saturday on Aug. 15th. Good luck!

A special promotion code for The Mom Crowd Readers!  Enjoy 15% off your purchase of $50 or more when you shop at www.tot-to-go.com. Code: momcrowd

Winners!

Baby Sling – Jenn!

Nursing Cover – Amy K!

Thank you to everyone that entered!

Earlier this week, Christy shared ideas for helping our little ones and their constipation.  I thought I’d follow that up with my child’s polar-opposite issue: plentiful poop and the yearning to play with it!

My son is two, and the discovery of his feces is nothing out of the ordinary for a child his age.  About 3 months ago, it happened for the first time: I’d go into his room to get him up from his afternoon nap only to find him sitting there, somewhat happily, in the middle of a poop-smeared crib.  Poop everywhere: on the sheets, the pillows, the stuffed animals, the railings, his hands, feet, legs, and fingernails.  Mm, mmm, and it smelled good, too.

My daughter had gone through this fecal-phase briefly as well; hers lasted for two or three days.  I expected my son’s fascination to pass just as quickly (no pun intended).  However, it soon became a routine for him.  There was one week wherein I had to disinfect every inch of his room three consecutive days.  Don’t forget the baths and scrubbing of the tub each time as well.

Our solution then was to put pajama pants on our boy every time he goes to bed, even when it’s hot.  (The a/c has to be turned down a little more every afternoon at naptime as a result.)  We still do this on a daily basis.  The pants deter him from digging.  Occasionally, I forget to put the pants on, or I think he might not need them anymore.   And those are the same occasions when I realize PANTS ARE NECESSARY.  FOR THE LOVE OF LYSOL, PUT THE BOY’S PANTS ON!!  Will I never learn?  🙂

What To Expect the Toddler Years was my first stop for information.  Many of their suggestions were things we’d already instituted, including

• fastening diapers securely so access to the goods is limited or impossible
• recognizing patterns in bowel movements in order to predict and circumvent future occurrences
• providing the child with healthy and better-smelling tactile play activities (like dough, finger paint, sand, etc.)

Out of curiosity, I Googled this topic, and started with the words “kids who play…”  All kinds of responses were listed in the drop-down window, and I was amused to find that “kids who play with poop” is just sixth on the list.  The search led me to Babycenter.com’s Q & A on toddler poop-playing, and the solution with the highest success rate is to give the toddler a brief cold shower after the poop-cident.  Although it seems a bit extreme, I can see how a desperate parent would want to find an effective consequence for a child who is passionate about playing with his or her BM’s.

What do you think, Mom Crowd?  Have you faced this issue?  What worked for you and your child?  And do any of you have coupons for Febreeze?  I sure go through a lot of it!

photo courtesy mrsmecomber

In honor of World Breastfeeding Week, I wanted to highlight a book that offers hope, encouragement, and information that will help women overcome some of the devastating issues of low milk supply.

The Breastfeeding Mother’s Guide to Making More Milk by Diana West and Lisa Marasco has been an eye opening book for me.  As someone who struggled with a low milk supply while breastfeeding, not once but twice, I found this book amazingly helpful as I read it. I heard about it from another birth teacher.  Oh, how I WISH I had known about this book after our third baby was born almost two years ago!  (It wasn’t written 6 years ago when my first was born) I don’t know that all my breastfeeding problems would have been solved but it would have offered me some peace and answered several of my questions.  I love nursing and it is a real struggle for me that I have had so much trouble feeding and sustaining my babies on breastmilk alone.

Making More Milk explains the biological process of how breastmilk is produced.  It  explains how hormones, the mother’s physical development, the baby, and the mother all work together to make a plentiful supply of milk.  This book covers  more detail than any other breastfeeding book I’ve read about problems that can effect milk supply.

This book is FAR more than a “just pump and you’ll increase your milk supply” solution to milk supply problems.  It covers in detail ideas about how to make a plan for managing milk supply, preventing low milk supply, altervative treatments and possibilities for treating low milk supply. It is the only book I am aware of that was written specifically for women who have difficulties with milk supply.  Each chapter has helpful information and things to consider when dealing with milk supply problems.

If you had trouble breastfeeding with a previous child and want to try again but are nervous about trying because you are scared you’ll run into the same problems, I highly recommend this book.  If anything, you will probably gain a better understanding of WHY you have milk supply issues.

Have you ever heard of this book?  Struggled with low milk supply? Scared to try again?  Tell us your story!