Caring for Your Sick Parent While Raising Young Children: Guest Post from Kristi D.
March is a big month for your contributors at The Mom Crowd: Amanda, our founder, is about to have her second child, and McKenna is going to Eastern Europe for the first time to meet her new daughter (for the first time!) When Amanda asked for guest posters to step in and share their wisdom, the response was phenomenal. Keep coming back to The Mom Crowd every day for fabulous information, tips, stories, and inspiration!
Our first guest poster is Kristi, the mom of three wonderful children and a personal trainer to strong, beautiful women and one reluctant husband. We are happy to have her! Her story is bound to touch your heart. Be sure to leave a comment to offer encouragement or advice!
I never thought I would be caring for a parent before reaching thirty. I figured by the time my parents experienced health problems, my kids would be grown. My father was recently diagnosed with stage four brain cancer. He had a tumor removed from his brain but there is a two-thirds chance of the cancer returning. He was perfectly healthy before the diagnosis. Unfortunately, my parents have split up, so my mom doesn’t play a big role when it comes to my dad’s health. My children are seven, five, and two months. Caring for them is a full time job in itself, so add the time it takes to care for my dad and it seems like I’m working overtime!
He has to go to treatment for radiation Monday through Friday. He has several doctors appointments throughout the month. He has numerous medications that require strict instructions and need frequent refills. Due to the location of the brain tumor, his speech center was severely damaged. He cannot think of the words he wants to say which means he needs a translator to assist him at all of his appointments. His eyesight was also damaged and he currently has no peripheral vision in the right vision field. Obviously he cannot drive in this condition and needs to be driven to all appointments and errands. Caring for my dad often feels like a burden to our family, but it is a responsibility that I made a commitment to.
If you are currently caring for your parents or grandparents while raising young children, I have some ideas that may help get you through it:
- Delegate your responsibilities. You can’t expect to do everything yourself. You will burn out and be too overwhelmed to think clearly and make important decisions. Have other family members help you by taking your parent to appointments, watching your children, or whatever you may need at the time. My dad stays with my oldest brother and his wife. This is a huge help to our family because we don’t have the space for one more in our home. Also, my children are noisy (whose aren’t?) and my dad needs rest and quiet. If you don’t have family members in town, you can enlist the help of friends and neighbors. Another option is to attend a support group for caregivers of cancer patients or whatever type of illness your parent has.
- Prepare for the unknown. Often a simple surgery can cause complications and unexpected outcomes. It is a good idea to make sure your parent or grandparent has a living will and power of attorney documents available to family members. It was awkward speaking to my dad about his will, but I came to find out he didn’t have a will or an appointed power of attorney. These days, you can create both documents online. When you plan ahead and have these papers in place, it reduces stress and family conflict. If your loved one is on life support, you need to know what their wishes are. Do they want to be sustained on life support or would they prefer not to have any interventions? [Editor’s note: Amanda has posted helpful tips on this topic; check it out!]
- Be patient with your children. This one is so difficult for me. I was gone one day for eight hours rushing around to consultations and errands for my dad. I can’t expect my five year old to sit still and be good the whole time. I tried to remember to praise her for the times she was being good. There will be crazy days where you will be out with your kids and parent, trying to care for both. Try bringing a special bag full of new coloring books and toys for your children. Use this bag only when taking grandpa or grandma to the doctor. Talk to your children about what you expect before they go into the office: “We have to be quiet when the doctor is talking.” Cut your kids some slack. This is difficult on them too.
- Communicate. Taking care of your ill parent is similar for caring for your children. You are responsible for their health. Talk to their doctor just like you would at your own children’s appointments. You wouldn’t expect your child to ask his or her doctor what their treatment plan is. Don’t expect your parent to know what to ask either. Jump into the conversation and encourage other family members to ask questions. We have a nurse in the family who gave me a helpful list of questions to ask the surgeon. Write down the answers to those questions and share them with friends and family who need to know.
- Talk to your parent about doctor visits. Did they understand what the doctor said? Do they have any questions for you? My dad has a difficult time understanding and piecing together information. I have to repeat myself several times until he is no longer confused. Try to be positive and encourage your parent during recovery. Let them know you are always available to talk to.
I am continuing to learn how to manage everything daily. I know that I need to rely on God’s grace to get me through each day. What are some of the things you have learned while caring for your parents or grandparents? Do you have any tips or advice to share?
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I have several friends who are about to give birth, and they’re starting to prepare a playlist or mix cd for their laboring time. When I had my first child, I took about four mix cd’s with me, because I wasn’t sure what mood I’d be in throughout the process. I don’t remember any of them except for a worship music mix and a favorite Counting Crows mix. Turns out I only listened to one of them once, ’cause the t.v. was on most of the time (or I had a stream of visitors). Plus, my laboring experience was somewhat different; when I was in the operating room, I vaguely remember hearing peaceful music playing quietly. 
I guess it could be a good laboring tune, if you’re the type who plans to dress your baby in mini-Vans and 
One of my friends, a mother of two, recently 
Our first order of business was to watch “Sports Night”, the complete series. This was a (too) short-lived dramedy on ABC written by Aaron Sorkin (he of “The West Wing”) – and it is brilliant! It came in wonderful little 22-minute episodes, enough for a feeding or two. Those first nights when I was trying to figure out nursing were stressful, and having a good new show to consume was just what my stressed out body needed. It took us about 2 weeks to watch ’em all. Then we watched them again. If you haven’t seen this show, get it to the top of your Netflix queue, stat.
During the day, when hubby was at work, I needed some adult company, something to make me feel normal. Occasionally a friend would come over and provide that for me, but there were many, many quiet afternoons. My pal Betsy came to the rescue with her entire series collection of “Gilmore Girls” (up through season 5 at the time). I had never seen a single episode (we were without cable then, so no incessant reruns for us on ABC Family!) Let me tell you, does it get any better than “Gilmore Girls” for escapist t.v.? I loved Stars Hollow and all the characters within it. (I still think Max Medina the teacher was Lorelai’s best match; what a waste!) By the time I had finished season 2, my husband was also pretty hooked. Don’t tell him I told you.
Occasionally I’d rent entire seasons of shows through Netflix, too. I have 
memories of getting “America’s Next Top Model” season one, as well as the first “Amazing Race”. My word, what a t.v. junkie I was. It was kinda nice, though. The baby was too young to understand what was going on so I didn’t need to worry about setting a bad example. I calculated how many hours I had at home with my child during maternity leave, and it was over 2,000! 
When my son was born, my comfort t.v. was “Friends”. I owned all of the seasons by then, and I constantly had a dvd in our bedroom player ready to go for the middle-of-the-night feedings. I was a little unnerved the first few weeks after coming home from the hospital (both times), because I was so accustomed to the nurses coming in and checking on me so regularly. When I got home, I didn’t have that sense of security, so Ross & co. kept me feeling somewhat safe. It’s silly, I know, but it really helped. Hubby and I also watched all of “Alias” for the first few months after Eli was born.
Did any of y’all catch post-Superbowl episode of The Office? Stanley had a heart attack, and after he returned to work, he carried around a bio-feedback machine, which “alerts me when my stress level goes up so I can try to calm down!” (Every time boss Michael Scott came close to Stanley, the machine would beep frantically.)
