The Mom Crowd

Since our son was about 18 months old, he has experienced night terrors.  At first we had no idea what was happening to him in the middle of the night until I had a conversation with my friend Karen about it and she told me of her son having the same thing… night terrors.  For Andrew, it usually happens less than an hour after he goes to bed and then he will generally have multiple episodes of this in the same night.  He wakes up crying and is completely inconsolable for up to about 35 minutes.  There is nothing we can do to even remotely calm him down.  He appears to be awake, but technically isn’t.  It is quite a strange event. 

Night terrors are most common in young children, usually ages 3-6, however they can occur in younger children and also in older children and adults.  There are many misconceptions about night terrors, mostly that they are just really bad nightmares, but in reality they are very different events.  Nightmares are bad dreams that you can wake up remembering.  Night terrors are commonly described as seeming to wake up screaming or crying, appearing awake, but confused, not remembering the incident, and being inconsolable for 5-30 or more minutes.  A child experiencing night terrors will suddenly fall back to sleep as quickly as they appeared to have waken.

There are apparently different things that can trigger night terrors in children.  The most common thing is letting the child get over-tired or over-stressed.  There are also many different ways people choose to deal with their child’s night terrors.  For us, sitting with Andrew, rubbing his back or legs and hugging him sometimes helps soothe him.  Other times, it’s best for us not to touch or talk to him.  If your child has a tendency to have night terrors, make sure to let any babysitters know how to best handle them. 

The important thing to remember is not to treat the child as if he/she is acting up.  This is an involuntary response that they don’t even know is happening.  Being calm, finding what helps soothe your child at that time, and trying to prevent letting your child get totally wiped out will all help the situation! 

Does your child experience night terrors?  How do you help them during an episode? 

Photo Courtesy of deltaMike

I have mentioned before in various blog posts that my 7 month old baby boy is still waking up 3 or 4 times a night. At the 6 month baby check up my Pediatrician recommended that we try to eliminate the 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. feeding. I don’t remember her telling me how to do that. I do remember that she told me that if he can put himself to sleep at 7:00 p.m. with no crying, then he should be able to put himself back to sleep at 3:00 a.m. with no crying. It makes sense to me. That week I tried letting my baby cry it out (CIO). I finally gave up after an hour and went to nurse him. When I nursed him, he was pissed. He kicked and pinched me. Then he continued to cry even after nursing. After that night I was reluctant to try CIO again.

In the next few weeks I did everything else I could think to try. I started with his naps and created a more structured nap time. He responded very well to the schedule and was sleeping better in the day time, but no change in the night time. I tried feeding him more solid food. I even stuffed him with solids until he wouldn’t eat another bite at dinner time. Still no change. He wakes up around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. and I had my husband try to give him formula. He wouldn’t drink from the bottle. We tried that because my husband gave him formula one morning during one of my long runs and he slept longer than usual after drinking the formula.

This past week we went back to the CIO method. After he cried for a while I was reluctant to go in and breastfeed for fear that I would get beat up again. I thought it was best to let him finish crying on his own. He was mad, but I really felt like he was alright. (He had just nursed 2 hours before he woke up again.) It seems to be working, because each night it seems to be getting better. Last night he only woke up once.

I am not sure what the alternative is to the CIO method. Is it just pushing through with the many night time feedings with hopes that it won’t last much longer? Attachment Parenting International recommends Co-Sleeping. My son did sleep in my room in a bassinet or pack-n-play for the first 5 months. Then we thought moving him out of our room would help his night time waking. I believe Co-Sleeping may be great for some families, but I am just not wired that way.

I think a mother’s personality will likely determine whatever method they choose to use. Each child and mother is different. We have to trust our instincts and make the wisest choices we can for our families. We shouldn’t judge how another family chooses to help their children sleep. Both the CIO and Co-Sleeping methods have different pros and cons. Each one has various research studies saying why the other method is stupid and theirs is the best.

Seriously, I just read a blog post speaking out against the CIO method and the comments make me feel like the worst mother on the planet. Am I a selfish parent for wanting to sleep more than 4 straight hours? I know I am the mother and I should care and love my children, meet their needs, and help them feel secure. Sometimes I am at a loss on how to do that exactly. Especially with both sides of the fence attacking the other.

What it comes down to in almost every parenting decision is what is right for that child, that mother, and that family. Each situation is different. No two children are alike, therefore one method isn’t going to solve each and every child’s sleep issues.

What do you think? Have you tried the CIO method? Do you practice Attachment Parenting? Is one better than the other?

-photo courtesy of stock.xchng

My husband was out of town this weekend for work.  I like to stay busy (sometimes to a fault) to help pass the time.  Saturday started out nicely with a 5k.  It was a great race and I beat my best time!  Since it was cold and rainy, I gave the kids a bath to warm them up afterward, and even baked cookies.  By 4:30, we were packed and ready to go to a cookout that has long been on our calendar.

And it was then I realized I was done.  I should have seen it coming, but the second we arrived, I knew I was only going to be chasing my kids around – and I was in no mood to do so.  Suffice it to say, I was a tense, exhausted, tantrumy-kid-toting mommy who had zero ability to enjoy the company of her friends.  Excellent.

On my way home, in between bouts of my daughter’s screaming, I realized I had just shown my friends a lot of what I like to keep hidden about myself: my snappy responses when people asked me questions, my increased levels of sarcasm, my patented stressouts that I can’t hide to save my life.  Have you ever wished you could be as cool as a cucumber in front of others only to fail miserably?

Are you still with me?  Hang in there – I do have a point.  This morning I was scheduled to lead Sunday school with the same group of people.  I was dreading it.  I wanted to just hide under my covers and come out only when six months or so had passed.  To top it off, my daughter (the same charmer from last night), decided to pitch another fit as soon as it was time to leave for church.  I crashed to my knees and started bawling – I just couldn’t handle anything else.  I wanted to stay home.  I wanted to avoid my responsibilities.  I wanted to be left alone.  I didn’t want to fail again.

My husband (who was home by this point), gently reminded me that I needed to go, and I would be fine – that God would give me the strength I was so lacking.  Before I could roll my eyes, he said, “I know it’s a cliche, but it’s the truth!”  So even though I didn’t want to, I climbed in the car and cried my way to church (accompanied by my daughter’s continued tantrumy nonsense).

Coffee in hand, I faced my Sunday school class – and quietly told them some of the stress, embarrassment, and humbling I was going through.  They didn’t give me pat answers – they just supported me.  I started with a confessional prayer and pressed on into the lesson, even though I didn’t want to in the slightest.  And God was there – taking my control-freak consequences and turning my anguish into joy.  The lesson went fine, the discussion great.  Afterward, I said, “Church did its job today – I came here feeling like crap, and I’m leaving feeling spiritually renewed!”  I honestly had much lower expectations for God, my friends, and myself.  Hopefully I won’t make that mistake again.

It seems all too fitting to share the following verses with you:

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection!  But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.” 

Philippians 3: 12-14 (NLT, emphasis mine)

Lord, thank you for wanting us to be more than what we are right now.  Thank you for your presence that gently pushes us forward when we dig our heels in our own acts of stubbornness and pride.  Thank you for running the race before us and with us.  Please help us persevere when we feel like giving up.  Amen.

What is stressing you out today?  Can you use a push from Jesus to keep going?

This post isn’t the usual light Friday faire, but it is something that it is on my heart to share with you all. I truly believe that both spouses will be tempted to cheat as long as they are married. The temptation may not be there every day, but comes and goes over time. Cheating isn’t necessarily sleeping with someone else, but sharing your life that you should be sharing with your spouse with someone else.

No one wakes up and says, “I’m going to have an affair today!” It happens gradually over time. It begins with a thought in your own heart, an innocent flirtation, or checking someone out. You may not think anything of it at the time, but it can build up in your heart. I think it is so important for couples to talk about this subject and hold each other accountable. No one is above temptation.

Here are some ways that we can safeguard our marriages from infidelity.

1. Confess to your spouse when you check someone out. Before we are married we are programmed to check out every potential guy. Then you get married and have to turn that “checking out” switch off. After a while you don’t even think about doing that, then one day you just do it. It happens. I tell my spouse what I did or he tells me and we move on. I do think it is harder for guys, because some women like to showcase their boobs.

2. Don’t put yourself in situations that have the appearance of infidelity. As a common rule, don’t be alone in a house with a friend of the opposite gender, ride in the car, or go out to lunch. This may be extreme, but if you never get in those situations you will never give the impression of any wrong doing.

3. Carbon Copy or CC your spouse when sending an email to a friend that is of the opposite gender. My husband and I seriously do this and I think it helps a lot. We had one friend that wouldn’t reply-all so we told them about our rule and then that friend gladly obliged. It holds each spouse accountable.

4. No magazines or movies that are highly sexual in nature. There is no exception to this rule. I don’t know one woman that feels great when their husbands view other women. It makes wives feel like poop even though that is not their intention when they are engaging in that behavior. Women we need to be careful too!

5. No rules about Hollywood actor exceptions. There are couples that will allow their spouse to be with one actor or actress if they ever meet them. Maybe I am being extreme here, but I don’t think joking about it is funny. I think it opens the door to thinking that maybe this behavior might be permitted. I would rather my husband to always want me no matter who they met. That’s just me.

All these actions build trust in a marriage. I like knowing that we can hold each other accountable and not be jealous. Women love feeling secure and there is something to feeling secure when you know you can trust your husband. It is also great when they can trust their wife. A marriage is stronger when trust is built.

Do you have any safeguards in place? Do you feel like you can trust your spouse?

When children turn 5 (or 6) school is of course, the next milestone.  There are so many options now for school and many of them are appealing: public school, private school, homeschool (and there are many variations to homeschooling). In the US, homeschooling has become more mainstream.  Well, by mainstream it seems like everyone knows at least one family that homeschools.  The majority of children still attend public school.

Parents choose to homeschool for a variety of reasons and the availability of curriculum is so substantial that any parent can find (with some research) what kind of educational format they desire to teach their children.

Reasons for homeschooling:

• Gifted children who can explore and learn broadly and more in depth at home
• Parents want a better education for their kids
• Incorporating faith into the classroom
• Protecting children from the bad influences of public school
• Allowing children to excel in areas they are giften and take time in subjects that are more challenging
• Child has chronic illness that makes it difficult to go to public school
• Parents live in a bad school district and want their kids to have a better chance at education

Right now our oldest child attends public school and we are homeschooling our middle child (long story–it was supposed to be the other way around but sometimes things have a funny way of working out).

I had been more interested in homeschooling than my husband.  He grew up around kids that were homeschooled for faith reasons and once those kids left home after high school and went off to college they lost their faith.  Many of them were socially awkward and didn’t know how to deal with people very well.  He had some very strong feelings about how keeping our kids out of public school just to shelter them and protect them from all the negative influences was not good reason enough.  Before he agreed to homeschool we had many conversations about how important it is to teach our children to learn how to deal with the world so that when our kids leave home to make a life of their own they know how to make good decisions and deal with people (and hopefully don’t chunk their faith).  As a mom, I find it so easy to want to protect my kids from every bully, aggressive behavior, sexual influence, other kids who do drugs etc.  I freak out thinking about all those things and want to keep my kids home ALL the time so they don’t have to deal with those types of things.  Ultimately though, I want my kids to learn how to deal with difficult people, and make hard and wise decisions for themselves.  I want them to learn how to apply their faith. So for us, deciding to homeschool was not (as much) about shielding our kids from “the world” as much as it was that we want them to have a good quality education.  Definitely part of me likes having them at home away from some of the things kids deal with today–don’t get me wrong!  Porn, sexting, drugs, bullying….it all freaks me out too!

I know a lot of families that homeschool and enjoy it and I wanted to try it.  Most of the parents I know who do homeschool their kids enjoy the time they spend together and love seeing their children learn.  I wanted experience if for myself at least one year and then decide if I enjoyed it enough to continue.  I’m glad that my first year at homeschooling is teaching just one child. I think it would be more difficult to start off teaching two different grades.  Our youngest, who just turned 2, is at home with me and my middle while we do school.

What to do with toddlers while you homeschool:

I have found that our 2 year old enjoys being around us while we are schooling.  He likes to sit in my lap while we are reading books, looking at pictures, or doing fun things on the computer. If we are working on writing, the 2 year old is too–in his own way of course.  I make an extra worksheet for him or make sure I have paper, crayons, and markers nearby for him to play with.  Playdoh is a big hit too.  He’ll sit at the table next to us and make playdoh creations for 30+ minutes. I was worried that  the 2 year old would feel left out but it hasn’t been a problem.

I love the flexibility of school time too!  Usually we start after we send off our oldest to school with Daddy.  (School in the UK starts at 9!!) Most days we are done by lunch.  Some days we run errands in the morning and we do school while the 2 year old naps.  I love that we can do whatever field trips we want and incorporate our faith into whatever we are learning in school.

We like the ways schools work in the UK so we are thinking that next year we will probably have both middle and oldest in public school.  We may decide to homeschool them when we get back to the States in 4 years.  Who knows?  We want to take it one year at a time for now.

If you are thinking about homeschooling here are some tips to get you started:

• Ask around to other homeschooling families what they enjoy about it and what the challenges are. Ask to go observe one of their school days so you can get a feel for what a day looks like.
• Start researching curriculum early.  Ask other families what curriculum they use and what they like about it.  There are SO many choices that it can be overwhelming in the beginning.
• Look for a homeschool fair where different curriculum publishers have booths set up so that you can see their materials in person.  You can order any curriculum you want online but seeing it in person and getting a feel for what works with you and your children is easier when you can flip through the pages.
• Be prepared to spend some money.  Homeschool curriculums vary in price depending on the publisher but it can cost anywhere from a few hundred dollars up to 1000 each school year.  If you are planning on homeschooling several different children then you can reuse some or most of the materials for future kids.
• There are tons of places online to buy used curriculums and also forums for parents to discuss issues that come up.
• Ask around or look online to see if there are any homeschool co-ops that you can talk to or join.  Many homeschoolers form co-ops to do sports and other extra curricular activities and socializing.
• Think about an area in your house that you can use for school.  We have a bookshelf that holds all of our homeschool materials.  We use the dining room table or coffee table to do most of our school time.  Some people have a dedicated bedroom for school.

Deciding to homeschool is a big decision and we all want to do what is best for our kids.  Have you ever considered homeschooling?  What concerns do you have about it?  Do you homeschool? What is your experience?  Why did you decide to homeschool?

photo courtesy of PearlsofJannah