The Mom Crowd

Online networking for moms is growing at rocket speeds! I haven’t been on the sidelines observing, either. I have a Myspace and a Facebook account. I am obviously very active at The Mom Crowd and also maintain two personal blogs. I have been very involved in a forum for parents of children with Down syndrome and am a regular lurker on four (ok, like 5 or 6 or 7 or 8…I refuse to count!) other forums. I have a long list of yahoo groups to which I belong to. My extended family has a private online forum to stay connected. I read a few billion personal blogs regularly. I even have started connecting with God online by reading bible passages online and following a daily devotional blog for moms. I check my email way too many times during the day and have an ridiculous feeling of sadness when there are no new messages. Instant messaging is about the only thing I’ve not become addicted to in this online networking world. In fact, the whole reason I started thinking about my online networking is from a daily devotional I read nowhere else but ONLINE!

Why do I love online networking? Online networking doesn’t require a clean shirt or make-up, it doesn’t interrupt nap time like face-to-face visiting or phone calls do, you can connect with someone at any hour of the day, you can screen potential friends and avoid taking the relationship to the next level if you don’t feel an instant connection, it’s a great way to keep in touch with friends, and an even greater way to meet new friends who have similar journeys as yourself.

Moms are so busy taking care of their families that finding time for themselves is nearly impossible. Having children has isolated me physically, mentally, and spiritually. There will be spans of time that go by where the only other adults I’ve seen are the occupational therapist, physical therapist, speech therapist, a couple doctors, and my husband. When I’m in waiting rooms or check-out lines I have caught myself trying to become B.F.F. with the clerk or receptionist because I’ve been so starved for adult face-to-face interaction. I rarely have energy to go through all the steps involved to leave the house to grab a diet coke and planning a playdate or moms night out requires brain cells that I lost during childbirth. Blogging, chatting, and online networking is such a great way for me to not feel isolated.

The problem with online networking becomes when friendships and interactions are limited to the computer. While online buddies can provide so much, there is nothing like a friend who is “real.” By real, I mean someone you can call on the phone or swing by and have a cup of coffee with or ask to pick up a diet coke for you while they’re out getting their’s. I have made some of my very close friends via the internet, specifically through the forum for parents of children with Down syndrome. Through that online group, I was able to find moms close in age to me, who had a child with Down syndrome close in age to Darah, and who had similar backgrounds and beliefs. Finding local moms who fit all those criteria has been difficult for me, so I am so incredibly thankful for this online forum. However, my local Down Syndrome Association (which of course also has its own yahoo group) has given me much needed support and encouragement, just in a different way.

Here are some things I’ve learned about my online networking:

• I am always on the look-out for ways to make my internet time more productive and efficient. I discovered GoogleReader which notifies me when one of my favorite blogs has been updated. This saves me time from visiting my whole list of blogs only to see that I’ve already read the most recent entry.
• I try to keep a “quality vs. quantity” perspective and have slowed down on making new friends online and have focused on investing in the friendships I’ve already made online.
• I recognize my need for local friendships. I’m a very busy person (aren’t all moms?), but spending that face-to-face time with another friend is something that should not be at the bottom of my list of priorities. I recently signed my children up for Kindermusik and gymnastics which keeps me regularly connected with a group of moms each week.

What about you? How has online networking helped you as a mom? Has it hindered you in any way? Do you have any tricks to keep your online addiction under control?

Jenn from Life on a Whim suggested that we write an article on “How to avoid being like our Mothers.” As I thought about the topic I realized that we can’t avoid it. We will be like our parents in some small way whether we like it or not. You can read Jenn’s thoughts in her post, “Help! I am Becoming My Mother” here. Below are my thoughts on the subject.

Every person has good and bad traits. McKenna’s post last week talked about how our kids copy what we do. The same holds true for us! Even as adults we pick up on the habits of our parents and copy them. I used to hate it when my husband would say to me, “You just sounded like your mother.” My perception of my mother is not always flattering, so I would take offense to that remark. Now I have to come realize it is inevitable – I am going to be like my mom. But it is up to me which traits I choose to emulate.

It is important to recognize the bad behaviors in your parents and sincerely ask yourself and your spouse if you are acting the same way. For instance, how do they handle conflict? Do they yell and scream or play the cold war? Is your mom a nag? Is your mom selfish and self-seeking? For example, my mother is a screamer and yeller when she gets angry. I have had to work through my anger reactions to not replicate what she does. Also, when I am on the phone with her she doesn’t really take an interest in my life and what is going on with me. Sometimes I do try to bring up something that I think she would understand and somehow the conversation immediately goes back to her. So I have learned that I need to take a genuine interest in others and don’t talk about myself all the time. Sometimes we don’t think about our parents’ bad traits, but I believe that if we stop and recognize them then we have a chance at not duplicating them in our lives.

The good traits that we happen to copy from our parents can be a good thing. There are some moms that we can even aspire to be like. I don’t try to be like my parents, but it still happens. My mom enjoys sending gifts and little notes. I often find myself giving little gifts and mailing notes to my friends. My father likes to experiment with recipes. Many times I will just wing it when making dinner and figure it out. Daniel usually asks me, “What did you do it this time?” It is almost impossible to avoid being like our parents in some way. Hopefully, we will be like our parents good traits, instead of the bad ones.

How are you like your mother? Are there any traits in your parents that you have had to ensure that you don’t copy? Has anyone ever told you that you like your mother? How does that make you feel?

Don’t you love a good read? You know, a book that has you curled up on the couch so enthralled that you just want to stay on the couch in fantasy land while the kids run around and play? I love reading–and when I find a book that I don’t want to put down I rationalize my lack of desire to do anything else (pick up toys, make lunches, clear the table etc.) by reminding myself that I am setting a good example for my kids and their hopeful love of books by reading in front of them.

Random House sent us a copy of the new book The Bright Side of Disaster by Katherine Center and I was lucky enough to be the one to get the copy.

The back of the book says this:

“Very pregnant and not quite married, Jenny Harris doesn’t mind that she and her live-in fiance, Dean, accidentally started their family a little earlier than planned. But Dean is acting distant, and the night he runs out for cigarettes and doesn’t come back, he demotes himself from future husband to sperm donor.

And the very next day, Jenny goes into labor.

In the months that follow, Jenny plunges into a life she never anticipated: single motherhood. At least with the sleep deprivation, sore boobs, and fits of crying (both hers and baby’s), there’s not much time to dwell on her broken heart. And things are looking up: Jenny learns how to do everything one-handed, makes friends in a mommy group, and even gets to know a handsome, helpful neighbor. But Dean is never far from Jenny’s thought or, it turns out, her doorstep, and in the end she must choose between the old life she thought she wanted and the new life she’s been lucky to find.”

When they offered to send us the book I knew it was about a mom but after I read the back description I couldn’t wait to start reading it. As soon as I read the first 10 pages I was hooked and I read the whole thing in 2 days!

My circumstances are not the same as the main character, Jenny’s, but as a mom I found myself relating to her story in such a way that I didn’t want to put the book down. I was rooting for this new mom and her journey into motherhood. Even though I am on my third baby the newness of motherhood is fresh enough for me to enjoy reading about someone else’s journey. The plot covers pregnancy to birth, breastfeeding, figuring out how to take care of a baby AND shower at the same time and it is so real that any mom could easily put herself in Jenny’s shoes and understand what her life is like.

Yesterday, I dropped off our bumbo seat and this book to a friend of mine who has a 4 month old. I told her that I loved reading the book and I thought she might enjoy it too. I talked to her this afternoon and she had already finished the book. We chuckled at how we both devoured the book. If Katherine Center writes any more books in the future I will definitely be checking them out.

So, if you enjoy reading and want a fun book that will ingite your mommy heart I definitely recommend this book! It will warm your heart and have you remembering what those first days and months were like as a new mommy. Happy Reading!

This is a guest post from my friend Myra at Moon and Back Studios. Myra is a talented designer and the mom of a very picky eater (see photo).

I’ve been cursed. Not in the pin in the voodoo doll sort of way. I’m talking about the kinds of curses parents put on their kids. You see, I was once a picky eater. I remember pushing my mom to the limits at meal time. And I vividly recall worrying about going to a friend’s house for dinner for fear they would serve something with fresh tomatoes (yuck), avocadoes (double yuck) or liver (the very worst yuck of all). Of course, there were many other foods that made The List, but even I couldn’t hold a candle to the Little Man (LM). And I had no idea what was in store for me.

But first my disclaimer: I write this in the spirit of McKenna’s recent article. I truly am not competitive about LM’s picky eating. I’m not proud of it. In fact, it might be one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, and certainly one of the hardest parts of parenting.

Now here’s the part that might sound unbelievable but I promise it’s true. I am convinced that the picky problem started with LM at birth. It seemed as though I had the only child in the world who wouldn’t latch on. I went to the breastfeeding classes (alone) and knew all about its merits. So naturally, when LM refused breastfeeding, like any first time mother, I worried he might have severe nutritional deficits. Maybe even graduate at the bottom of his class. Or worse. So I pumped. Then, at just two weeks LM wound up in the hospital for a two week stay. But that’s a whole other story.

During the time in the hospital, I still diligently pumped. But LM hated breast milk, even with me on a bland diet. So we tried formula. Then colic ensued. So our pediatrician suggested Nutramagin. Worse colic. So the doctor prescribed another brand that was something like $30 for a 3 day supply. You’d think at that price the brand would be burned in my brain. It made the colic only slightly better.

We were referred to a pediatric gastroenterologist who told us if he had a nickel for every baby he saw with colic, he’d be a rich man. He patted us on the back, suggested we get some sleep (no – really?), and sent us home. Thanks for that. And my PPO thanks you too.

Fast forward to the LM at 2. At this age, he was too old for the four kinds of baby food he was willing to eat, so we tried to introduce “real” food. While trying to convince him that Cheerios are super fun “kid food”, he would gag violently when a single one was placed in his mouth. Finally, he was willing to eat PBJ sandwiches, but only when cut into bite-sized pieces that could be stabbed with a baby fork. Eventually, with some persuading from his aunt, he tried Goldfish crackers. Ahh, making progress. Then he added applesauce and yogurt. And of course, anything from the dessert food group was fair game. But there it stopped. For THREE years.

When I asked my pediatrician for advice, she lectured me about not giving in. She implied that I was being controlled by my child. But my husband and I are pretty strict parents. We haven’t raised a little dictator who rules our home.

The pediatrician suggested that we put food in front of the LM and when he got hungry enough, he’d eat. “Don’t be a short order cook,” she warned. So we tried. And in the spirit of the game, the LM raised the ante to an all out, 2 ½ day hunger strike. He was miserable, but not as miserable as we were. I felt like the worst mom on the planet. So on the third day, I made the PBJ and handed him the baby fork.

Now LM is five years old. Every single bite of every meal must be negotiated. We make deals about “healthy food” so he can have “snack food.” Until just recently, going to a restaurant required packing a meal that fit nicely in my purse. And really, that was quite easy. PBJ, Goldfish crackers and applesauce don’t take much room in a nice sized bucket bag. Restaurant dining with family also included (and still does) knowing stares from relatives who think we’re pushovers and should do a better job standing our ground. But what’s the point of shoving food into the LM’s mouth while he gags to the point of throwing up? Believe me, there were moments of desperation where I tried that. It didn’t work.

We had a mini breakthrough on the way to my birthday dinner in January. LM announced from the backseat, “you know, I might try something healthy tonight.” Just like that. We ordered grilled chicken and green beans, and he actually ate some. That was his first taste of meat since the ground up mystery meat in the baby food.

Since the breakthrough on my birthday, we’ve added chicken nugget Happy Meals to the menu selection. He tried the hamburger version first, and promptly informed me that “the brown stuff in the middle is gross mom.” But I don’t eat it either, so I can live with that.
When we’re invited to a birthday party, I try not to stare wistfully at the kids hungrily shoving pizza in their mouths. We wouldn’t have any of that. Instead, LM waits patiently while they eat, content with the knowledge that cake is on the way.

So, back to McKenna’s post and the spirit this is written. Please outdo me! I want to be one-upped. I want to know there are moms out there with experiences like mine – maybe even worse. And maybe someone will have some brilliant advice. All I want is to be an underachiever.

For the record, I could very easily lapse into ordering at a restaurant in a very When Harry Met Sally kind of way. But I do my best to refrain from requests for “on the side” because I don’t want to be one of them. But I still will not touch a raw tomato.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband shocked me by bringing home Raising Helen from the library.  He said, “I’ve never seen it but I thought it’d be fun to watch together.”  I had only seen it once, before I had my kids.  I remembered it was the least annoying Kate Hudson movie I’d seen.  And Dave was right: we did have fun watching it together, mostly for the cheesy tagline: “She gave up the life she loved for the new loves of her life.”  Catchy!  I kept telling Dave, “This is still the life she loves.  Soon you’ll meet the kids who’ll become the loves of her life.”  Ha ha ha.  It doesn’t take much to get us going.

Anyway, Kate’s okay in this one.  She plays Helen Harris, who becomes the primary caregiver of her deceased sister’s three children.  Before the accident, Helen was a carefree, up-and-coming, in-the-moment kind of woman living in New York.  She loved her job in a swanky modeling agency, and she had a pulse on everything that was new and fierce.  She was also the “cool” aunt in the family, the one with the great hair.

Now that she’s suddenly in charge of a 15-year old, a 12-year old, and a 7-year old, Helen is forced to give up her old lifestyle (the one she always loved, sorry, couldn’t resist) and become a mom – overnight.  This involves more than just making sure the kids get to school on time.  This means Helen has to grow up herself, hence the title.

Throughout the film, we see Helen enduring lots of life changes in a short period of time: losing her job (“fashion and family don’t mix”, her boss says dismissively) and moving to Queens, becoming a receptionist at a used car dealership, and trying to prove to her surviving sister Jenny (played to annoying, uptight perfection by Joan Cusack) that she is capable of raising the kids.  Before she gains Jenny’s respect, though, she has to learn how to be a parent.  Before, she was teenager Audrey’s fun aunt – now, she’s the one calling the shots.  And Audrey tests her boundaries, dating the school bad boy and sneaking out on prom night.  When Helen tries to put a stop to it all, Audrey shouts: “Don’t you remember what it’s like to be young?”  And Helen replies, “Of course I remember.  It was last Wednesday!” 

There are numerous other things happening that Helen has to deal with, like starting a new relationship with yummy John Corbett (hey, no time like the present!), and mending the strained relationship with her sister.  Of course, it all works out in the end.  Helen makes her authority clear to the kids, and they love and respect her as their new parent figure.  Jenny gives Helen the respect she earns.  And little Abigail Breslin learns to tie her shoes all by herself.  Helen’s a success, and still with great hair!

Interesting quotes from the film:

“You’re quite the detective!” – Helen to Jenny  “No, I’m a mom.” – Jenny, trusting her instincts to find Audrey on prom night

“Not all women are meant to be mothers.” – Ibsen, as quoted by Helen’s former boss

“I’m not a mom.  I’m not brave!” – Helen, panicking

Did you see this one?  Was it strange to see Helen Mirren and Hayden Panettiere playing parts other than Queen Elizabeth and the Heroes cheerleader, respectively?  I know this is a Garry Marshall movie and all, but is this a realistic portrayal of the demands of motherhood? 

P.S.  I just finished watching No Reservations, the little-seen Catherine Zeta-Jones/Aaron Eckhart rom-com.  Its plot is pretty similar to Raising Helen, except this time, our “new mom” is an executive chef.  Interestingly enough, she did not have to quit her job to take care of her niece.  The surviving daughter in this one is also played by Abigail Breslin (that child is everywhere these days!)  I found the movie to be about as bland as its title.  It focused on the relationship of the two romantic leads and all of the scrumptious foods they prepared – not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Foodies would love this movie – I just didn’t think it had much to say about motherhood other than, whoa, finding a decent babysitter takes some effort!   Check it out and tell me what you think!