The Mom Crowd

It’s really hard to stay current sometimes when it comes to fashion.  I am no fashionista.  Most days it’s comfortable pants, a simple top and some flip flops.  Since I work from home, I don’t really need to go anyplace.  Since we live in a really small town, I don’t feel like I have anything to really dress up for.

Then the other day, I went to the store and noticed that the lady in from of me was wearing fluffy yellow slippers, sweats and a shirt.  Then it hit me, I was just a pair of fluffy slippers away from officially giving up on what I wear. UGH…….

Since most of us don’t have the money for a full head to toe makeover, you can start with this list of five ways to get out of the mom rut. It’s okay, it happens to the best of us, but the good thing is, you can totally take control and get your pre-motherhood groove back.

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If you’re anything like me, you are probably selfless to your own downfall.  Whether it’s with friends, family, and especially with a significant other, this can create complications.

With my most recent breakup, I’ve found that these complications usually don’t arise as a major issue with the other person (that’s a separate subject entirely), it morphs into an ugly resentment monster, usually pent up deep within our own selves.

The resentment monster then begins to slowly manifest itself in the form of snippy comments, aloofness, or if you’re lucky enough to have to navigate my map of emotions, complete silence and disengagement.

I turn into an unresponsive, and probably a passive aggressive stone statue, “Everything’s fine, no worries, yea cool, whatever”.  Looking back, those are a few of the delightful gems that my ex-boyfriend had to endure.

Selflessness aside, I have myself to blame for choosing to try to be a super woman girlfriend, and expecting a superman boyfriend in return.  My former boyfriend is a musician (a tremendously successful musician, who I still cannot get over).  We’ve been involved for three years, and bond regularly over contemporary art and reggae music.

Based on my personality, I know that I will stop everything at the sound of a needle dropping for someone I love.  But, I also need to feel the love back.  I believe the littlest gestures, and small amounts of individual attention, make a world of difference.  I dropped engagements, plans with friends, and huge dreams of drama school to be completely devoted to a person who I still think is insanely brilliant, without giving myself enough credit to think similarly of myself.

While I am still reeling over the separation, blaming myself for not being supportive “enough”, awkwardly trying to figure out if we can be friends, and secretly hoping things might be different if we have a second chance, I do realize that there is a balance, and I clearly haven’t achieved that balance.

I recall disagreeing during a one year anniversary (on and off anniversary) because I wanted to go dancing, and he didn’t.  I ended up picking up the tab for “our” dinner and hearing a convincing argument as to why we should do something at a later date (which we never did).  Almost immediately, I began telling myself that I was “too needy” and how “selfish” I am to want to go dancing with my significant other.  But, in retrospect, it was my selflessness that choked a lot of the love, and maybe even permanently caused the flames of love to fizzle.  I lost sight of my passions and goals and desires, and I became a femmebot machine, nodding at every whim, and graciously exhausting myself at every command.

I know I’m not alone in this epidemic.  So what can WE as women do about it?

First, I think we need to check in with ourselves every so often.  Or, as a wise friend says, “Check yoself before you wreck yoself”.  If you are or anticipate being in a relationship at any point in the future, make sure you’re achieving your goals, and pursuing your dreams regardless of who is in the picture.

Second, if you have any gut feelings that you’re being mistreated, manipulated, disrespected (in any way), speak up!  If it’s repetitively harmful (physical or emotional), get out. You’re not crazy, and you’re not needy.  You’re intelligent, and wildly talented, you’re just maintaining your self worth.

Finally, if you feel like you’re battling to keep a spark alive, or a relationship that has an expiration date, and nothing is changing, make the change yourself.  If you’re exhausting every inch of your soul, energy, finances, and conversations to convince someone to be with you, to help you out, to spend one night a week at home with you, let them go!

The fact is, I am perfectly imperfect, but I let my expectations cloud the physical inactions (and actions) that I received.  I created a prince in shining armor, and became a resentful monster; all I had to do was make a change, and focus on myself.

As women, it seems rather easy to exhibit moments of self-control, self-indulgence, self-motivation, or self-loathing. Yet, how often do we focus on achieving self-love?

If you were a young girl who grew up with an absent father, either physically or emotionally, chances are that helped shape your overall self-concept of yourself. Many teenage girls and young adults go through stages of promiscuity or falling for men who are emotionally unavailable, in search of the “father figure” they’re trying to replace. Sadly, most will never suppress those desires unless they mend the pain they experienced as young girls. So how exactly do they go about doing that?

Positive affirmations can truly begin to create change in how you view yourself. They are basic statements that you repeat over and over again, preferably while standing in front of the mirror. If you indeed suffer from low self-esteem, they won’t be easy. Some women get increasingly emotional and find it difficult to do. Perhaps that’s because for every negative thing that’s been said to us and taken in, requires three times as many positive ones just to balance out.

Below are a list of statements you can use in the beginning.

∙ I am healthy and happy.

∙ I have a lot of energy.

∙ I am surrounded by love.

∙ I am getting wealthier every day.

Just by saying what you want in life, you then begin to see and feel it, thus attracting it into your life. Words are powerful!

While positive affirmations are a great and healthy start, there are two books I’d highly recommend for further self-discovery. Both are by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. The titles are Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families and its companion A Gift to Myself: A Personal Workbook and Guide to “Healing the Child Within”. Both are in paperback and available through Amazon.com.

The tools above helped me come a long way in my personal journey of self-love. Not being dependent on others for happiness, reassurance, approval, acceptance, and more, allows me to value what I have to offer in others. That only comes from valuing and loving me.

Last Sunday Dawn and I ran the San Antonio Marathon and Half Marathon! Dawn did a great job running her second half marathon. I am so proud of her.  She did fantastic! I completed my first full marathon. You can read more about the details of my marathon at this site. The race was harder than I expected, but I did it! I ran the race 8 months after having my second child. If you have ever wanted to complete 26.2 as a life goal, you can do it!

Here are 7 tips I learned from my marathon training:

1. Train with a group. When I got up to 10 miles in my training I found it difficult to create long routes from my house with water stops. It also gets lonely when you run for more than 2 hours by yourself. I joined a training group at my local Fleet Feet store that ran on Sunday mornings at 6:00 a.m. They had a marked route and water stations every 2 miles. I also loved the community and encouragement of the runners in the group. You can check to see if you have a USA Fit or Team in Training group near you. You can also ask your local running store if they have training group.

2. Learn how to hydrate properly. I once trained for a half marathon and didn’t drink enough water or eat anything to refuel. For water you can carry a water bottle in your hand or use a water belt. After about an hour of running you may feel hungry.  To refuel try different types of GU’s, jelly beans, or chomp blocks while training. I really like the GU gels. The other gel brands don’t taste good to me.

3. Have family and friends that will keep you motivated. My friends and I kept a running blog together to detail out our struggles and triumphs. Follow other runners on Twitter. Make sure your spouse is on board to encourage you.

4. Spend money on a good pair of socks. One book I read said its like buying popcorn at a movie theater. Just spend the money and then don’t think about it again. A good pair of socks will save your feet from getting raw. I LOVE my balega socks!

5. Make time in your schedule. Amelia’s husband, Jon, said that training becomes like a part time job. It is true! My husband would have to take off early from work to watch the kids so I could my mid-week long runs in. My longest run took over 4 hours to get done. The long runs will take a chunk out of your weekend.

6. Remember why you are running a marathon. At some point while you are running you are going to ask yourself why you are doing this to yourself. You need to have an answer ready or you will talk yourself into a funk while running. My answers to the question were “One, I signed up, because I believed I can do this. Two, I wanted to be able to tell people that I ran a marathon 8 months after having a baby, before I turned 30 in 2 months.” I know its pride, but it kept me motivated!

7. Don’t worry about your time on your first marathon. Almost every runner told me this advice and I didn’t understand it until after I ran my race. At some point in my run I didn’t care about my time, but to finish in one piece. I did have fun greeting my friends and family cheering me on along the way! I am glad I added a few minutes to my time to enjoy my race.

Have you ever ran a marathon? Would you ever want to run one? What about a Half Marathon?

My husband was out of town this weekend for work.  I like to stay busy (sometimes to a fault) to help pass the time.  Saturday started out nicely with a 5k.  It was a great race and I beat my best time!  Since it was cold and rainy, I gave the kids a bath to warm them up afterward, and even baked cookies.  By 4:30, we were packed and ready to go to a cookout that has long been on our calendar.

And it was then I realized I was done.  I should have seen it coming, but the second we arrived, I knew I was only going to be chasing my kids around – and I was in no mood to do so.  Suffice it to say, I was a tense, exhausted, tantrumy-kid-toting mommy who had zero ability to enjoy the company of her friends.  Excellent.

On my way home, in between bouts of my daughter’s screaming, I realized I had just shown my friends a lot of what I like to keep hidden about myself: my snappy responses when people asked me questions, my increased levels of sarcasm, my patented stressouts that I can’t hide to save my life.  Have you ever wished you could be as cool as a cucumber in front of others only to fail miserably?

Are you still with me?  Hang in there – I do have a point.  This morning I was scheduled to lead Sunday school with the same group of people.  I was dreading it.  I wanted to just hide under my covers and come out only when six months or so had passed.  To top it off, my daughter (the same charmer from last night), decided to pitch another fit as soon as it was time to leave for church.  I crashed to my knees and started bawling – I just couldn’t handle anything else.  I wanted to stay home.  I wanted to avoid my responsibilities.  I wanted to be left alone.  I didn’t want to fail again.

My husband (who was home by this point), gently reminded me that I needed to go, and I would be fine – that God would give me the strength I was so lacking.  Before I could roll my eyes, he said, “I know it’s a cliche, but it’s the truth!”  So even though I didn’t want to, I climbed in the car and cried my way to church (accompanied by my daughter’s continued tantrumy nonsense).

Coffee in hand, I faced my Sunday school class – and quietly told them some of the stress, embarrassment, and humbling I was going through.  They didn’t give me pat answers – they just supported me.  I started with a confessional prayer and pressed on into the lesson, even though I didn’t want to in the slightest.  And God was there – taking my control-freak consequences and turning my anguish into joy.  The lesson went fine, the discussion great.  Afterward, I said, “Church did its job today – I came here feeling like crap, and I’m leaving feeling spiritually renewed!”  I honestly had much lower expectations for God, my friends, and myself.  Hopefully I won’t make that mistake again.

It seems all too fitting to share the following verses with you:

“I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection!  But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be.  No, dear brothers and sisters, I am still not all I should be, but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.” 

Philippians 3: 12-14 (NLT, emphasis mine)

Lord, thank you for wanting us to be more than what we are right now.  Thank you for your presence that gently pushes us forward when we dig our heels in our own acts of stubbornness and pride.  Thank you for running the race before us and with us.  Please help us persevere when we feel like giving up.  Amen.

What is stressing you out today?  Can you use a push from Jesus to keep going?