The Mom Crowd

It never ceases to amaze me at the level of shock some of my friends seem to have on their faces when I am blatantly open and honest about some of the struggles I have with my kids.  I think we are so used to feeling like we are in constant competition with other moms, about who is the better mom and who has the perfect children, that we forget how much we need to be real with each other to stay sane and learn from each other.

All too often we are met with a struggle or even just something weird we aren’t sure how to handle and we seek out advice.  Sure many women feel comfortable asking thier own mothers, but truthfully, how many of our moms REALLY remember exactly how they handled potty training or talking back?  Half the time, I can’t remember how I handled things with my son that I am now dealing with in raising my daughter… and they are only 2.5 years apart!!! 

So, what’s a girl to do?  How do you find other moms you can be totally transparent with and how can you encourage those kinds of friendships?

Join a mom’s group – Whether you join a group like the type I mentioned last Wednesday or you are just involved in a play group, take advantage of the wisdom of other mom’s (especially if they have older children)! 

Listen to your friends – You can tell if a friend is struggling, so when you realize this… encourage them to talk about it.  This can be a mutually transparent relationship and both of you can grow from it. 

Find an online parenting community – Let’s face it, people are always more bold and honest online than in person — they feel more safe and are more willing to reveal personal things.  This can be a great outlet to get advice, but be warned, as with anything you do online, be careful with how much personal information you give and weigh the advice of strangers before taking it to heart!

Be transparent with YOURSELF! – Once other moms see that you are willing to take the risk and put yourself out there, so will they! 

Are you a transparent mom?  Are you too afraid of not living up to others standards that you are not transparent enough?  What have you done to find these kinds of relationships? 

Photo Courtesy of David Boyle

When I was pregnant with my second baby I wondered if I should have a baby shower or even register at a store. A part of me wanted this second baby “off the grid,” because Babies R Us likes to sell your information to marketers. According to “Parenting, Inc.” by Pamela Paul,  baby showers for second children have become more prevalent in recent years, because of big box stores and baby registries.

Some people think that if you already had one baby, then you already have everything you need to for the second one. Another baby shower could give the impression that you are greedy. Baby showers for a second baby or even a third and fourth can be completely appropriate, here is why:

• Every life is worth celebrating! Every baby is significant and birthing them is no easy task! It is important to celebrate the mother, the new baby’s family and baby. A new arrival is always exciting.

• Baby showers can be fun if the new baby is a different gender from his or her siblings. My friend Natalie had a shower for her first baby girl after having one son. It was a lot of fun to go overboard with the pink, bows, and dresses. She was very excited to be having a baby girl. It was quite the celebration!

• Sometimes you do need new baby items. Practically every baby needs diapers. You can shower second time parents with diapers or cards with money to buy cloth diapers.

• Baby showers can be anything you want them to be. There is more freedom to have a non-traditional baby shower with your second baby. You can have a BBQ with the guys attending or a girls night with desserts. I like the girls night out, because you can leave the kids at home with daddy.

• Have a shower and collect gifts for a local shelter. Let guests know that a shower is being held in your honor and gifts will be given to a local shelter. You can collect diapers and baby clothes for a crisis center in your area.

Baby showers are to celebrate the mother and the new baby. I think we all should be celebrated with each baby we have! How you get showered is up to you.

Did you have a baby shower for your second and third children?

-photo courtesy of rshannonsmith

So how did everyone do with the mouths closed, ears open challenge from last week?  I was constantly being given the opportunity to practice what I wrote, and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty!  I’m a work in progress, what else can I say?

This week I thought I’d share a few verses from Psalm 86, a beautiful prayer.

“Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer; answer me, for I need your help.”

~ Psalm 86: 1

I love the idea of the Lord “bending down” to hear our prayers.  I think of my daughter or son when they ask me for something, or if they are upset and need comforting.  I get on my knees, down to their eye level, and hold them.  It is difficult for me to show my love for my kids if I am towering over them in those moments.

That’s a nice picture of God’s care for us.  We go through different struggles and pain throughout our lives, and He might seem far off.  But He’s really right there, ready to listen and console us.  Asking God to bend down and hear our prayers conveys to me the idea that God treats us with gentleness.  We are His children.

“Be merciful, O Lord, for I am calling on you constantly.”

~ Psalm 86: 3

I’m still thinking of the mom/child parallel here, and the adverb “constantly” couldn’t be more appropriate!  I feel like a very under-tipped waitress at times.  “Mommy, may I have a snack?”  Sure.  Here you go.  Five minutes later:  “Mommy, I need more water.”  Okay.  Will there be anything else?   (Check out one of my favorite pieces of “flair” on Facebook!)  Though I am joking, this is not unlike how we approach God.  We take our many requests to Him, and He wants us to.  He wants to care for us the way we care for our children, showing them mercy and providing for their needs.

“I will call to you whenever trouble strikes, and you will answer me.”

~ Psalm 86: 7

My kids ask me for a lot of things.  Sometimes I give them the answers they want, and other times, I have to say, “I’m sorry.  The answer is ‘no’.”  When they’re inconsolable and won’t listen to reason, I hear myself saying, “I know it’s hard.  But it will not always be this bad.”  In verse 7, we know God will answer us – it’s a promise.  It just might not be the answer we are expecting – or the one we want.

With whatever you’re facing this week, I encourage you to read through all of Psalm 86.  There is so much of God’s goodness described, and the psalmist just wants to praise Him for it.  Make it a part of your prayer time.  No concern you might have is too small (or too big) for God to bend down and hear.

Lord, your love for us is very great, stronger than the love we have for our children.  Help us remember to approach you frequently, humbly, and gratefully.  And thank you for bending down to hear us.  Amen.

Blessings to you this week, readers!

My mother lives a long distance from my family and loves to scrapbook. She often asks for photos of my kids and our most recent adventures. The problem is that she is not very tech savvy. I would love to teach her how to order the photos I have uploaded to Flickr, but I can guarantee that I would have to painstakingly walk her through the process every time. She can view my photos online and has even printed a few off on her printer at home by printing the entire web page. Maybe I could teach her how to save them to her machine from the web, but I would need to do this in person on a future visit.

I have had to get creative in the way that I deliver photos to my mom. I need a solution that is easy for the both of us. Here are 4 ways that I have sent photos to my mom.

1. Print and mail them.

This option is a lot of work on my end and not the cheapest solution. Although it is quite convenient for the recipient. I also do this when I get a studio photos printed.

2. Mail a CD of photos that can be taken to a photo department.

When I have over a 100 photos to send I usually mail a CD of photos. Then my mom can take it to a photo center to be printed. This is cheap for me, because it costs less to mail a CD than a pile of photos.

3. Upload and order prints from Walgreens.com. Then select a location near their home to be printed.

My mom would love me to do this every time, but I don’t like the time it takes me to upload the photos to walgreens.com and order them. She likes that she can go to her closest Walgreens which is around the corner from her home and pick up photos of her grandkids. This can be cheap for me, because she pays for the prints when she picks them up. (Another similar store can be used for the same purpose.) **Walgreens.com is currently having a half off sale through Saturday. Use coupon code HALFPRICE.

4. Upload your photos online, order your prints and have them mailed to their house.

This is my easiest option, because iPhoto on my Mac has a flickr button that instantly uploads them online. From my flickr profile I can order them through QOOP and have them sent to her house. It isn’t my cheapest option, but it is the easiest option for the both of us.

Have you mailed photos to extended family? What method do you prefer?

-photo courtesy of stock.xchnge

Please welcome my friend and Guest Writer, Sharon, as she fills in for the traveling Amelia in the upcoming weeks. Sharon is an American currently living in the Middle East with her husband and two children.

Most of us have been there.  We arrive at Grandma and/or Grandpa’s house for a week long visit, only to find ourselves in a precarious situation.  Why?  Because your parents (or your spouse’s parents) are standing at the door, greeting your kids with one or more of the following:
a) Large bags of candy
b) Several new toys
c) The latest “cool” techno-gadget
d) A week of planned excursions to expensive theme parks, malls, etc.

The week progresses, and every time you turn around, your child has a new toy or outfit.  On one hand, you think, hey, it’s only for a week, then we get back to our normal lives. And this is true, to an extent.  But what happens when this becomes habitual?  Every time you visit them, or every time they visit you, the kids are lavishly spoiled by their grandparents.  Or what happens when the kids start to demand things from Grandma or Grandpa?  Ugh, no one wants to be in that position.

This has happened to us on a few occasions.  We have the unique position of being parents to the only grandkids on either side of the family (hubby is an only child, I’m the oldest and, until recently, the only married one).  In addition to that, our family lives overseas, so any opportunity the grandparents get to spend with the grandkids is rare and precious, and the presents can be a bit over-the-top at times.  What do we do?  Fear not, ladies!  There are a few ways we, as moms, can handle out-of-control gift-giving.

For starters, we need to accept this fact: in general, grandparents WILL spoil their grandchildren.  There’s really nothing we can do about it.  Now, before anyone thinks I have a defeatist’s attitude toward this particular subject, I want to point out that I think that we CAN influence the AMOUNT of spoiling that occurs and make sure it doesn’t get out of hand.  None of us wants to have kids that are ungrateful (especially to our own parents!), so it’s important that we approach it from two sides:

1. Your kids – Remind them to say “please” and “thank you” when requesting or receiving something from your (or your spouse’s) parents.  It’s really easy to teach kids manners when we are around teachers, friends, and even strangers, but the family arena seems to be the first place where politeness jumps out the window.  Reminding kids about simple manners before they visit their grandparents can work wonders, and help your kids to remember to be thankful.  If your concern is limiting the number of toys in the house, let the child(ren) know that, from now on, for each new toy they get from grandma or grandpa, they have to choose one of their older toys to give away to charity.
2. The grandparents – This is the tough one, because some grandparents will react defensively, especially if approached in a confrontational manner.  Start by thanking them for being so loving toward your children, and that their generosity is really appreciated by you. Then let them know you noticed how they much they like to buy things for your kids, and ask them if they’d be willing to redirect their giving.  It doesn’t take much to “spoil” my kids (as they’re still fairly young), so if my mother, for instance, decided to give my kids a personal DVD player just for fun, I would consider that over-the-line.  One way we avoid this in our household is by suggesting toys/games that our children would like to have, ones that seem a little more reasonable in price or quantity. That way, the kids get toys they want, and grandma and grandpa still get to have their fun.  Ask them to save bigger presents for birthdays or Christmas.  If you want to nip the toy-buying in the bud all together, suggest that your parents or in-laws come over with a little present, like a small candy bar or lollipop (or iTunes gift card for older kids), and they can put money in their savings account or college fund.

In the event where grandpa or grandma is not willing to change his/her behavior, there are a few options.  The first one, limiting visits (especially for grandparents who live in the same town), is something I would call for in an extreme situation, where your concern is your child’s safety.  Grandparents allowing young children to watch rated R movies after they’ve been asked not to, for example, would warrant a reaction like that.  Most of us (hopefully) will not encounter this problem.  Another approach is one I mentioned, having your children give away old toys for each new one that they receive.  Or, get a bag of toys and take it over to grandma’s house the next time you visit.  Let her know that the kids have too many toys at the house, and so you’re bringing some extras to stay at her house.  After a few garbage bags full of toys, grandma and grandpa will get tired of the clutter, and probably get the hint.

So, have you ever encountered this problem?  How did you handle it?  What was your parents’ (or in-laws’) reactions?

Photo courtesy of garden beth

More about our Guest Writer:  Sharon was born in Southern California, spent a bit of time in Hawaii, then moved to Texas for ten years, where she met her husband and had her first child.  She now lives in the Middle East with her hubby and two kids, ages 5 and 2.  Her favorite tea is Earl Grey, and favorite dessert is any cupcake from Sprinkles.  She loves learning new languages (currently working on Arabic), traveling, and cooking.