The Mom Crowd

I am a big fan of Friends. One of the things that the writers of this classic sitcom did so well, in my opinion, was make Monica’s relationship with her mother into a problem that a lot of us face: hopelessly trying to please a critical parent. Because it was tv, Friends was able to milk a lot of jokes from this relationship that at times appeared a little exaggerated (there were a couple of hilarious jokes over the years where Judy Geller seemed to even forget she had a daughter!) For some of us, sometimes those situations resonated all too easily.

I thought it’d be fun to learn from Monica and her mother’s experiences, so I present to you my

Five Easy Steps To Avoid Becoming Monica’s Mom

1. Compliment your child on their efforts, even if you’d rather nitpick. In “The One With the Sonogram at the End”, Jack and Judy come over for dinner with Monica & Ross, and Mom is quick to judge that the spaghetti Monica is serving is “easy“, making it clear that she’s disappointed while pointedly fluffing Monica’s couch pillows. We all know how it feels to be Monica here: frantic that guests are coming over (especially her hyper-critical mom) and working hard to make everything as nice as possible. Mrs. Geller should have said, “Thank you for having us. Spaghetti’s great. I’m just glad to spend time with you.” Children will never get tired of hearing how much they and their efforts are valued in their parents’ eyes.

2. Love each child in your family equally. It was a running gag in the world of Friends that Mr. & Mrs. Geller favored Ross over Monica. Some classic bits: “I just wish Nana was here to hear Ross’s toast” - right after Monica gave her horribly inappropriate one at the Gellers’ anniversary party, and “We turned Monica’s room into a gym.” Let’s not forget that all of Monica’s childhood mementos were ruined in the Gellers’ garage when they used her boxes to stop a flood. Of course, this is pure comedy, but when parents show favoritism, even in the subtlest of ways, children notice. It’s more than making sure each kid has an equal amount of ice cream; we need to invest equal amounts of energy in each of our children’s varying interests. (If you happen to have made this mistake already in the lives of your kids, just follow Jack’s lead and give the less-favored child your Porsche. It seemed to make all of Monica’s issues disappear! :) )

3. Understand that these kinds of negative traits are passed on from generation to generation. In “The One Where Nana Dies Twice”, Judy confided to Monica that she was frustrated by her own mother’s critical nature. Of course, she remained oblivious to her constant harping on Monica. How many times have we heard her drop a comment that Monica’s hairstyle is unflattering, or that her singleness was a terrible thing? The good news is, the pattern of passing down these traits can be stopped! All it takes is some self-awareness and a desire to change, along with a lot of hard work.

I know this from personal experience. As a minor example, last fall, I realized that I was a little obsessive about my daughter Lucy’s hair when we went to public places. If I was unable to fix it in any cute way, I’d make some comment to other people like, “Look at her crazy hair.” As though her toddler hairstyle was a reflection on my parenting skills or something, and as though Lucy had any control over it. When I caught myself doing that, I realized I was emphasizing her appearance more than her value as a person, and I made a point to stop worrying about it. I mean, who cares? Now, her hair looks precious all the time and no one says anything about that either.

4. Don’t spend your daughter’s wedding fund on a beach house! Especially if she knows about it and she’s counting on it. ‘Nuff said.

5. Never, under any circumstances, bring up old embarrassing stories in front of your adult childrens’ friends. This one applies to Ross. In “The One With the Cake”, the Gellers bring to everyone’s attention something that Ross did as a toddler. It’s so completely mortifying that I am choosing not to repeat it here. Ross, however, handles it like a pro. After all, he’s the one who still refers to Judy as “Mommy” in public, so I don’t think he embarrasses all that easily.

To be fair, I love the character of Judy Geller. Here are a couple of things about her that I find endearing:

• She’s very affectionate, supportive, and frisky with her husband. Of course, this can sometimes seem kinda disgusting, since we see them from Ross & Monica’s point of view. But it’s sweet all the same. I mean, 35 years together! They’re adorable.
• She’s totally blunt and hilariously scathing when she speaks to people. One of my favorite episodes is “The One Where Ross Gets High” (aka “The Thanksgiving When Rachel Screwed Up the Trifle”). The Gellers are there to experience Rachel’s botched cooking experiment, as well as witness a fantastic blowout between Monica and Ross. Judy gets to deliver my favorite monologue from the show: “That’s a lot of information to get in 30 seconds… Joey, if you wanna leave, just leave. Rachel, no you weren’t supposed to put beef in the trifle. It. Did. Not. Taste. Good. Phoebe, I’m sorry, but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you’re in an important relationship is beyond me. Ross, drugs? Divorced, again? Chandler, you’ve been Ross’s best friend all these years, stuck by him during the drug problems, and now you’ve taken on Monica as well. Well, I don’t know what to say. You’re a wonderful human being.” Her delivery is awesome.

What fun memories do you have from Friends? Did you ever find yourself relating to Monica’s relationship with her mother?  Have you heard the news that “our little Har-Monica” is going to be on three episodes of Scrubs in the fall?

Happy Independence Day!  I hope you’re all out enjoying yourselves at parks, barbeques, parties, ballgames, movie theaters, and the like.   For those of us who are more likely to spend the holiday at home, I thought it would be nice to piggyback off of Amanda’s super fun post from yesterday with some easy entertainment ideas for you and your family members!  I’m not reinventing the wheel here, just having a little fun.

Five summery or patriotic movies you can enjoy with the kids:

• The Sandlot - summer classic about friendships, baseball, and a big scary dog.  Includes a great 4th of July scene.

• Field of Dreams - quintessential baseball fantasy with great family relationships and sweet moments to treasure.

• My Girl - sweet, simple story about an important summer in young Vada Sultenfuss’ life (with a Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin; remember how cute he was?)

• An American Tail - great family animated film about a little mouse who gets separated from his family en route to the States.  Lots of history, too!

• Mr. Smith Goes to Washington - “It demonstrates democracy in action,” the trailer declares.  Experience again this movie classic and tell your children all about the late, great James Stewart.  I first saw this in a high school government class.  Loved it.

Easy music idea: 

If you’re looking for some fun with background music for your holiday dinner, look no further!  Make a playlist or mix cd with “freedom”, “summer”, or “America” as your theme.  This is especially fun to do with tweens & teens; give them $10 and have them buy 10 songs from an online store to make a mix for the family.  Here’s a small sampling of what I found in my iPod with those words in the title:

SeeqPod - Playable Search

I played my list at dinner last night and it sparked lots of fun conversation with my dear hubby.  Crank it up and enjoy!

Any other film or music suggestions out there?  Are you inspired to decorate your house like the one in the picture above?  (Yes, that is an actual house in my neighborhood.)  Have a great holiday, and for grins, I’ll have Bill Pullman take us out:

I recently received a copy of Ty Burr’s book “The Best Old Movies for Families” from the TCM channel promoting their new summer show ‘TCM Essentials Jr.’ Every Sunday night hosts Abigail Breslin and Chris O’Donnell present a family-friendly classic. This Sunday is ‘Goodbye, Mr. Chips.’ The book was too good not to tell you about it.

There is a reason that Ty Burr’s book, ‘The Best Old Movies for Families’ has received five stars in every review on Amazon.com. The book is a great reference guide to be used by parents to help them decide which old movies are appropriate to introduce to your children. People familiar with old movies can use this guide as well as those who don’t know anything about older films, but want to watch a great movie with their kid.

The author tested a lot of the movies on his two daughters whose ages are 9 and 11 and their friends. Mr. Burr has been a film critic for over ten years and has had many other jobs requiring him to watch movies. He claims that he averages about 1 movie a day and over thirty years that is 10,680 films. The author is one of those guys that make you want to pick their brain and discuss films and trivia all day. Luckily, we get to read his thoughts in the book.

The book focuses on films made in the golden age of the film studios, from the silent era to the early 1960s. The Introduction opens with a hilarious rant about the Hollywood-junk that is currently being spoon-fed to our children and the MPAA rating system. I found myself saying “Yes!” out loud many times and reading parts out loud to my husband. The author does recognize that your kids will still watch what is out today, but wants to build a bridge between parents and children and introduce them to a wider spectrum of films that aren’t trying to sell them something.

After the first “Starter Kit” chapter, each subsequent chapter lists movies in its respective genre, like Comedy, Dramas, and Musicals. There is one chapter about movies not to show your kids. Then, each movie lists: the director, stars, appropriate age range, the sell, the plot, why it is in the book, useless trivia, pause button explanations, notes about the DVD extras and availability of the film, and further movie suggestions if your child liked the movie. The guide gives you great tools to help you decide if a movie is right for your child. However, the author does caution that if you are on the fence about a movie it is better to error on the side of caution and preview the film first.

The great writing is one of the reasons why this book is so highly rated. The writing is smart without being patronizing or dull. I feel like I know a little bit about Mr. Burr’s family and why his two girls enjoy showing old movies to their friends. Also, the book gives you practical suggestions on how and when to turn on an old movie. Hint: Don’t tell them it is good for them.

I enjoy movies a lot and watched ‘Roman Holiday,’ ‘An Affair to Remember,’ and ‘Guys and Dolls’ as a kid. I enjoy catching an old movie once in a while now. I recently watched Hitchcock’s ‘North by Northwest’ for the first time and enjoyed watching Mr. Gable being chased. I hope that my little one will enjoy movies as much as I do. Now I am thankful to have a tool to help me decide what to watch with her.

If you made it through the review and want to win my copy – all you have to do is answer the question “What is your favorite movie from the golden age of film and why?” in the comment section. The giveaway will end this Sunday night at 10:00 p.m. and only one winner will be chosen at random. Also, be sure to leave your email address in the comment form, so I can reach you.

UPDATE

Vered from Momgrind.com is our winner! I assigned all the comments a number and entered them into random.org and hers was the first number to pop up. Congratulations!

Turner Classic Movies graciously agreed to sponsor my giveaway and will be sending Vered her book! Thank you to all that entered. (If you didn’t win, check your library for it. Mine had the book on the shelf.)

On Wednesday, NBC premiered its newest reality series, The Baby Borrowers.  It’s about five teen couples participating in an “experiment” to care for a baby, toddler, pre-teen, teenager, and an elderly person, along with random pets.  They spend 3 days with each “borrowed” person, in a brand-new house on a cul-de-sac in a nondescript small American town.  The real parents are watching all of the action on a monitor next door, in case something serious happens.  There is also a professional nanny in each home, there to shadow the couples and make sure nothing goes too terribly awry.  The point is to learn about parenting first-hand.  There are no prizes or eliminations. 

When I first heard of this show, I felt skeptical about its overall premise, but I thought I would give it a look-see.  The first episode introduced us to the couples and showed them preparing for the arrival of their baby, as well as a glimpse at their first day with the child.

I’m not gonna lie.  Watching this was painful.  And I am capable of watching a lot of painful stuff, y’all (like this, and this, and this.  Who’s with me?)  I started off taking notes, but stopped after a few minutes.  From that point on, I was trying very hard not to gouge my eyes out with my pen. 

In the introduction, one of the actual “lending” mothers declared, “It’s important for teens to learn about the realities of parenting and be responsible for another little person.”  I couldn’t agree more.  My question is, is this the most effective way to teach them?  Furthermore, what is the purpose of this experiment: to prevent teenage pregnancies?  To dispell any notions kids might have that having a baby is a glamorous thing?  One of NBC’s promos shouted at me, “It’s not tv… it’s birth control!”  So I guess that’s my answer.  Never mind that the poor babies had no idea what was going on and had to live in some sterile house with nervous, inexperienced teenagers for three days.  No wonder they were crying nonstop.

We were able to get a glimpse as to why the couples were participating.  One pair, Morgan and Daton (name game: figure out which is the boy and girl!), said they were using the show as a test for their turbulent relationship.  Morgan said, “Our relationship is at stake here.”  Like we care.  They’re what, 17?  That said, Daton (the guy) was a doll.  Of all the teens, he appeared the most comfortable slipping on a parenting role, and came across very responsible, which was endearing for the young San Diego surfer boy.  Morgan, on the other hand, didn’t want to read her instruction manual at all while their little charge was napping.  Instead, she picked at her split ends and complained of boredom.

Another boy, Sean, was a natural with his baby.  But that didn’t interest him so much as the idea of using this experiment to convince his girlfriend Kelsey that she’s too young to be a mom.  That’s his mission on the show, and he was determined to burst her bubble.  Kelsey, in turn, was more upset by the fact that the baby preferred her boyfriend over her.  Many tears ensued.  That baby girl had some nerve!  

I was pretty creeped out by the narration throughout.  I felt like I was listening to storytime in my worst nightmare.  “Austin and Kelly are a preppy southern couple from Georgia with traditional values.”  Cut to them playing tennis in matching outfits.  Five minutes later, we see Kelly throw a tantrum at the idea of wearing a realistic pregnancy belly.  Austin didn’t display much sympathy for her, and I didn’t blame him.  She was living in a beautiful house with her boyfriend on a national tv show, presumably by choice, and she locks herself into their bathroom before the first day is even over.  The poor guy had to listen to her moan about how he didn’t respect her and that he hurt her and she’s worried that she can’t be with him anymore because he did that.  And this went on for another 10 minutes, complete with multiple bleeped-out expletives and her adamant refusal to play along with the rules, which included wearing that blasted fake belly.  Dear God in Heaven, is this how all teenagers are? 

If they’re not spoiled princesses, then they’re grouchy mean girls with dirty mouths, like Alicea, another participant.  As soon as her 7-month old baby started to fuss about eating (he was teething, poor guy), she threw down the spoon and said, “Beep this, you can starve.” (Or something to that effect.  Remember, I wasn’t writing anything down at this point.)  Hey Alicea, Mom and Dad are watching.  I can’t believe little Karson’s mom waited out the whole evening before coming over and trying to give Alicea some pointers.  Had it been me, I would have said, “Watch your mouth around my child, girl, and change your attitude right now!”  But the mom was surprisingly patient and gave helpful tips.  Alicea didn’t listen.  She said she didn’t take any BEEP from anyone and from that moment on, pouted in her bed.  Her boyfriend Cory was the only one doing anything for the child for the rest of the episode.  And Alicea blames Karson’s mom for that.

I think I’ve made my point.  To be fair, there was one couple, Jordan and Sasha, who seemed to really care about one another and have good heads on their shoulders.  If you like watching teenagers get a taste of “reality” and you enjoy seeing them pout, then this show is for you.  If I wanted to hear them whine this much, I’d go back to teaching middle schoolers, so it’s safe to say I won’t be watching again.

More reviews about the show:

from Variety

from the L.A. Times

Did you catch The Baby Borrowers?  What are your thoughts on reality tv as a tool for educating teens?  Should the “lending” families be criticized for putting their unwitting kids in that situation?  Like me, were you put off by the fact that the unmarried teen couples were sleeping together in their own master bedrooms?

One of the stories from our family’s lore is that I loved commercials as a baby.  Apparently I’d yell and talk through any television program, but when the commercials came on, I’d shut up and pay attention.   Hmm, interesting.  Especially because now, if you spent any time watching t.v. with me, you’d immediately notice that I mute the commercials.  Every. Single. Time.  I get so irritated when I have to sit through a single one with the volume on.  Aside from the power button, “mute” gets the most play on our remote control.  When I can’t mute the commercials, I get very, very grouchy.  It’s not pretty.

Anyway, not sure how it happened (since I just described myself as being pretty militant about commercials), but I saw one recently that completely melted me.  It is a Chevy Malibu commercial showing the stages of life that a girl goes through, from babyhood with toy keys to toddlerhood to little girl, then to tween-angst, prom & graduation, and finally, becoming a professional.  As she drives away, mom & dad are there to see her off.  A couple of years ago I would have related to the final stage, but now that I’m a mom, I’m imagining my Lucy growing up and doing all of those things.  Yikes.  Can’t she stay my little Lucy Goose forever?  I’m not ready to see her strap on a bike helmet (much less drive a car!) yet. (Note: I had the video of this commercial up, but it is no longer available on youtube.  I tend to have that effect on the internet.  No worries, it’s playing all the time on t.v. right now.)

Speaking of commercials, we were told this morning by random strangers that our son Eli looks like the baby in this (catch it while you can!):

Ha ha.  That’s funny!  Maybe I should un-mute the commercials more often.

Yeah right.