The Mom Crowd

I mentioned a few weeks ago here that I won third prize in AWildRide.net‘s writing contest. They have published my essay titled, ‘What to Expect When Your Mother’s Parenting is Not What You Expected’ on their site. Check it out here!

Thanks!
Amanda

I often hear other parents say, “They just grow up so fast!” I believe that statement is true from how quickly these nine months have passed for me. Before we know it our kids will be out of the house in college and even married with their own children. It’s hard to think about! When our kids are being cute and adorable we want them to stay little forever. Of course, when we are struggling with potty training and feeding times we can’t wait for them to grow up and potty and eat by themselves.

When our children learn to be independent adults and move out of the house we may be faced with Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS). Psychology Today describes Empty Nest Syndrome as “feelings of depression, sadness, and/or grief experienced by parents and caregivers after children come of age and leave their childhood homes.” According to Ruth Rusk at EmptyNestMoms.com the feelings of sadness can begin when our children are self-sufficient teenagers, because we miss the children they once were when they were younger.

My sister was the last one to leave my parents home four years ago and my mom is still dealing with the affects of ENS. It is hard to see my mom sad. I live four hours away and do what I can to help. All I know is that I need to be prepared before my children leave, so I can deal with the sadness and grief in a healthy manner. I know all the preparations I do now may not completely help me, but the sting will be less.

It’s hard to think about our children growing up and having lives of their own. It’s even hard to think about being that old! But it is going to happen and we need to be ready.

Here are five things that we can do that will help us be well-rounded adults now and have fulfilling lives when our children are grown.

• Keep up with your friends.

Now that I am a mom it is really easy to get distracted with daily living. We have to make an effort to keep up with our friends, especially friends that don’t have kids or are single. One of my single friends comes over every Wednesday to watch Project Runway with me. It’s perfect because my baby is asleep and we can relax and have a good time. We need to take extra care not to get so wrapped up in our children that we don’t alienate any of our friends. I have seen friendships end because one of the couples would only talk about their baby. When we hang out with our friends we shouldn’t be all baby all the time. When your children leave you will still have friends, because you made the effort to stay in contact.

• Continue your hobbies or find your special talent.

If you have a hobby don’t stop just because you have children. Sometimes it is hard to make it priority and time is a luxury, so do it when you can. Do it after they go to sleep or on the weekends during special daddy time. Whatever your favorite pastime is do it! Personally I am a Social Scrapbooker. I only scrapbook when I am with other people, but I enjoy it! Make time to read, make cards, play music, sew, take photos, write creatively, make crafts, or travel with your little one. You don’t have to pause what you love just because you have kids. You can even teach them your passion or make a kid version of your hobby. Your favorite pastime can enhance your life now and later when you have the house back.

• Get dressed and put on your make-up.

Maybe I have watched too many ‘What Not to Wear’ shows, but I have learned that just because I am a stay at home mom I don’t have to dress like one. I heard too many times on that show how an extra few minutes to think about what I wear that day and putting on a little make-up would make me feel infinitely better. I know when I am having a crappy day I dress up to feel more confident in myself. When your kids are gone you won’t have to search for your identity through your clothing if you have kept yourself up the entire time your kids were home.

• Go on dates with your spouse and don’t talk about the kids.

We need to preserve our relationships with our husbands because when the kids are gone we will be alone with them once again. It is going to be much easier to transition to an empty nest with your best friend and partner by your side. We can preserve our relationship by going out and not talking about the children. You don’t have to have a specific night of the week. We go out when we feel like we need it. We just let each other know when one of us wants to go out and we schedule it. As women we wear many hats at one time. Take time to take off all others and only wear the Wife Hat once in a while.

• Prepare yourself mentally for life after the kids leave home.

We can’t live in denial that our children aren’t going to grow up. As parents we want the best for our kids and I think the best we could wish for them is to grow up to have happy adult lives. We need to be prepared to let our children grow up and respect their decisions. There will still be times when we need to speak our concern, but over small matters we need to be prepared to let them live their lives. We can pray for our childrens’ future now. One of my friend’s daughters is doing awesome in college and has even found her perfect future husband. I asked her for some wisdom and she told me it was all because of prayer. I know her to be a praying woman and she certainly motivated me to pray for my daughter’s future now. Living in the reality that one day our babies won’t always be home with us and being ready for the day they leave home may not take all the sadness of that day away, but hopefully it will make the grieving process a little shorter.

Do you have a favorite hobby? Do you and your spouse take time out for each other? Have you thought about the time when your children won’t be living with you anymore?

I am pleased to introduce to you our newest featured author Dawn! She will have a regular spot here every Friday sharing her thoughts and views of moms in pop culture. In December she received great response to her guest blog post ‘Unsung Wonder-Moms in Film.’

I am so excited that she is going to be writing for us every week! I have been following her blog for quite some time and I know that she is genuine and honest. She loves t.v., movies, pop culture, and photography. She is an active participant of Best Shot Monday and Thursday’s Theme. Her two adorable children make you want to nibble on their ears. Seriously, too cute.

About Dawn:

I am the proud mom of Lucy (born February 2006) and Eli (born July 2007). They are just seventeen months apart! Both of my pregnancies were relatively easy and fun, and I had c-sections with both kiddos. I breastfed Lucy for 13 months (yes, this overlapped well into my second pregnancy!), and I’m still nursing Eli. I have found being a stay at home mom both joyful and challenging. My husband is a youth pastor, which means I am still learning how to be content with his odd hours and frequent weekend activities. Before kids, I was an English teacher for 7 years. I’m a huge fan of movies, I watch far too much t.v., and I enjoy photography, blogging, and participating in church activities in my free time.

Be sure to stop by every Friday and give Dawn a shout out!

• ‘DwellStudio For Target’ on Tutus & Turtles

I LOVE Dwell Baby nursery stuff. I couldn’t afford Dwell items when Ace was born, so we came up with our own Ikea version. I am super excited that DwellStudio is coming to Target. Where was this nine months ago?

• ‘Birth, The American Way’ on Newsweek

I read this article in my Newsweek last week. The article is review of the controversial documentary,”The Business of Being Born.”

• ’7 Qualities You Need to Be a Great Parent to Preschoolers’ on CNN

Earlier this week we had a discussion on preschools. Here is an article to give you more tools in your Mom Toolbelt to help you parent your independent Preschooler.

• ‘Cold Meds Send 7,000 U.S. Kids to ER Each Year’ on Yahoo

The article states that the majority of the cases is from children taking the medicine unsupervised. Be sure to keep your medicines out of reach!

• ‘Love you friends, hate their kids’ on CNN

What do you do when you don’t agree with your friends’ kid’s behavior? The article explores how different parents responses. Interesting thought. Luckily I don’t think any my friends’ kids are monsters!

• An Interview with Laura Bennett from Season 3 of Project Runway on Parents.com

Laura Bennett is a mother of six, an architect and a fashion designer in the Big Apple. Yes, this article is a little dated! There was not a new episode of Project Runway tonight. I need my fix!

Bonus Link

A mom delivers her baby in her driveway on CNN

Women have a history of being hard on one another. Moms especially have a lot to be hard on each other about. “Oh, you aren’t breastfeeding?” “You gave your baby cookies for dinner?” “You let your baby watch 2 hours of Baby Einstein videos?” “You use a bumper?” We all have opinions about what pain management moms use during child birth. Each of us has our own style and attitudes about how we raise our children.

We need to support each other as moms and not judge each other. I know I don’t like it when I feel like I am being scrutinized or being told I am doing something wrong. There have been times that I chose not to do something with my baby, because I was afraid of being judged for it.

Being critical of your friends and family hurts your relationships. Speaking your mind does not always build trust. Sometimes friendships end because of criticism and condemnation. Even small remarks add up over time. We are not always aware that we are speaking unkindly to each other. We all put our foot in our mouth at times. Let’s be mindful of the attitudes that we are portraying to each other. In the words of High School Musical, “We’re all in this together!”

Here are 5 ways to help us stop judging other moms:

1. Make a choice not to judge. We need to make a conscious effort to change our attitudes and accept our friends for who they are. Making a choice not to judge will help you remember not to criticize or disparage your friends the next time you speaking about them.

2. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” is the fifth habit of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey. Learning this principal can greatly change the way you engage with other people. We need to try and understand what our friends are going through and the circumstances that made them choose that decision before we even speak. We don’t always have the full story from a blog post or part of a story heard second hand. I have friends that it is their personality to keep their lives private. So when they make a parenting decision, I can’t have an opinion. Seeking to understand what is going on our friends’ lives builds up our relationships and they will feel supported.

3. Stop talking about other moms, even to your spouse. We really need to guard our tongue when it comes to gossip. It is really easy to slip into gossip when you are honestly sharing the latest news of your friend or family member. Sometimes it feels good to talk about other people. It feels good to have someone agree with your point of view. Make a concerted effort with your friends not to talk about each behind each other’s backs. You won’t have to worry about if what you said gets back to your friend and it is better for everyone! There is peace in keeping your comments to yourself.

4. Don’t give advice unless it is requested. This is so hard for me, because I love asking for advice from people. I just assume that everyone is like me, but they aren’t. I need to remember that I shouldn’t give advice or my opinion unless they specifically asked for it. If advice or insight is requested from you, then you have to be careful not to be offended if they don’t take your advice. And visa versa, you shouldn’t be offended if you don’t like the guidance you requested. Counsel and sharing experiences is helpful. Let us make sure we always speak with the law of kindness on our tongue when giving counsel.

5. Celebrate and encourage each other! We all have difficult and enjoyable jobs raising our kids and caring for babies. Be and ear or shoulder when it is needed. I enjoy talking to McKenna and hearing about all the appointments and health updates of her two kids. Tell another mom what a great mom she is! Say it in a card, in person, in an email. I don’t know a mom that doesn’t mind being praised for being a good mom. Drop off or mail a little gift to a friend. Stop by and do her dishes. There are so many ways we can celebrate each other. Lets remember to stop judging and celebrate our victories with one another!

Have you ever felt judged by another mom? Have you ever been offended by someone giving too much advice? Do you make an effort not to judge other moms?