The Mom Crowd

I am writing this with humility, because I am guilty of this topic. I think most moms have been caught up in a competitive parenting mindset at one point or another, though. These competitive parenting conversations range from everything from basic child-rearing practices, who delivered the biggest baby, who’s child accomplished major milestones the earliest (walking, potty-training, getting their first tooth, etc.) to who breastfed their child the longest. The funniest thing about our competitiveness as moms is that it isn’t limited to having the most advanced child. Sometimes, the competition is about who’s child gets up at night the most, who’s child had colic the longest, who’s child was the latest walker, who’s child is the pickiest eater, who’s child wasn’t potty trained until they were five, who’s husband helps the least, etc. I am embarrassed to admit that I have actually tried to one-up other moms about Connor’s horrific colic which forced me to hold him all night, every night, on the couch and to wear him all day in the Baby Bjorn. Why???

This isn’t limited to the “typical developing” world! Trumping and one-upping is very prevalent in the world of raising children with delays. When I’m around other parents of children with Down syndrome, I feel like I can let my competitive nature go wild because there is a “fair playing field” (not true) when comparing Darah to children who also have Down syndrome. Just like moms of typical developing children, these competitive conversations are sometimes about who’s child is the most advanced and sometimes about who’s child is struggling the most or has the most health issues.This competitive attitude comes out with our closest friends and with complete strangers. I believe that most parents are competitive because we all want validation in our parenting and sometimes we want the other mom to know we’re doing an ok job in parenting. When we has it harder than the other mom, we feel better that we’ve gained sympathy from the other mom or feel validated for being grumpy with our husband!

The Today Show has this article which gives five tips for dealing with other moms who are competing unsolicited. They suggest trying to understand where your friend is coming from and if she is feeling insecure about something, not allowing your friend to determine what your goals or success is, respond in noncompetitive ways and being reaffirming to your friend, refusing the urge to one-up your friend and just letting the conversation be about her, or letting your friend know how you feel.

If your struggling with competing with other moms, I suggest that you slow down and keep a proper perspective. Kids who are not living an overly structured life and have time to explore and have free play are “more creative, more self-sufficient, and less stressed than other children.” If your child potty trains at 13 months old or at 3 years and 11 months old, I am going to guess that there will be absolutely zero long-term effects. Earlier walkers do not climb the corporate ladder faster than late walkers. I have joked that my epidurals during my deliveries does not mean my Mother’s Day card is smaller!

It’s wonderful to be proud of your child and perfectly natural to engage in some minor bragging, but it’s important to try not to cross the “I can trump that” line.

How has competitive parenting affected you?

I have played the “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda” game since Day One of getting pregnant with my first child. I wished I would not have gone skiing and hot-tubbing before I knew I was pregnant. I wished I wouldn’t have forgotten my prenatal vitamin so many times. This guilt game has just gotten worse and worse the longer I’ve been a mom. After my daughter was born with some health issues, I instantly took responsibility for her health problems! I was mad at myself for knowing she probably had Down syndrome and not researching more information to better equip me to be her Mommy. I also took responsibility for Connor’s heart defect because in my mind, there was surely something wrong with me. I think the hardest guilt-trips I’ve gone on have had to do with having a child with special needs and never feeling like I’m doing enough for her.

This game of “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,” is not limited to the major issues of my parenting, however. I have punished myself for letting my kids watch too much television, and have given myself the necessary lashing for trimming my children’s nails to short and drawing blood. What’s so bad about the nail-trimming incident is that I’ve heard my dear friend beat herself up about this before, so I should have been even more careful! Then there’s always that time that I won “Mother-of-the-Year” when I decided Darah could fuss for a while in her room. After 10 minutes of Darah fussing, I angrily went in her room to find that her leg was stuck between the wall and her toddler bed. The big mistakes I’ve made, along with the little mistakes I’ve made as a mother seem to turn into self-condemning and major guilt-trips. My resounding guilt-trip these days is not spending enough quality time with my children.

Before you start thinking of why you’re an even worse mother than I am and completely beat yourself over the head for things you’ve done as a mother, read on!

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Many times my ten month old crawls over to me while I am busy emailing and checking updates online. I pick her up on my lap and together we enjoy watching YouTube videos. Ace jumps up and down on my lap and talks back to the monitor while we watch. We tend to watch the same videos each time, so I researched YouTube and found a few more videos that we can watch together.

Below I list 36 videos that are kid-safe and won’t annoy you. The videos are divided into seven sections: Pop Stars and Kid Shows, Classics, YouTube Classics, Geography Songs, Laurie Berkner Band, Nickelodeon, Tiny Toons, and Ralph’s world. To view the videos click on the photo of the video. So grab your little one and enjoy!

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Sign language has been an amazing communication tool for our family. Upon discovery that my daughter has Down syndrome, we were fairly certain that verbal communication was going to be delayed. As a result, we started teaching her sign language at a very young age. Darah is able to tell us when she is hungry, thirsty, hurt, sleepy, and when she wants a bath. She can also participate in “small talk” as well, by naming things she sees or wants like dogs, rain, stars, shoes, airplanes, and yogurt. Darah (at 3 1/2 years old) has over 200 signs now that she uses! Sign language has been such a gift for her and I am so happy that we introduced it to her! When Connor was born, signing was already part of our lives. Connor (now 15 months) learned signs pretty much by osmosis. I am surprised at the number of signs he’s learned just by observing Darah. The other day, Darah was in time-out and he decided to sit in time-out with her. When I allowed Darah to come out of time-out, he stood up and surprised me by signing “sorry.” I then drilled him some of Darah’s signs, and he knew “please,” “thank-you,” “dog,” and several other signs that I never once showed him. He also consistently uses “more,” “all done,” “eat,” “milk,” “bath,” and several other signs.

Babies as young as 10 months old can communicate with sign language. An ideal time to start introducing signs is when your baby is six months old. However, if your baby is older, it’s never too late! Here are some things that you should know when starting to teach your baby sign language.

Sign language will not impede your child’s speech development!

So many people think, “if I teach my baby to communicate with sign language, he is going to take longer to speak.” Actually, teaching your baby to sign will more than likely speed up his verbal communication. Before any child is ready to say their first words, there are some foundational skills that must be learned and some oral motor development that must take place. By teaching your baby to sign, you are teaching him the foundational skills required to communicate. By the time your baby is cognitively and physically ready to start saying words, he will be well ahead of his peers because of the communication foundation he’s already learned. These foundational skills include, but are not limited to:

• learning the concept of cause and effect

• understanding the concept of turn taking

• understanding that two or more words can be linked together, thus creating sentences (as in signing “more milk,” “big ball,” etc…)

Here’s a great article about the benefits of signing with your baby.

Reinforce with your spoken words!

When you sign with your baby, make sure you are saying and signing the word very clearly. Your baby is fascinated by your face; make it interesting by exaggerating your mouth movements. Be sure to talk to your baby all day long about anything and everything. By telling your baby about the train that’s passing by and talking about the yogurt and milk in the dairy aisle of the grocery store, you are reinforcing their receptive language skills.

Start off slowly

Begin by teaching your child 1-3 signs. “Milk,” “more,” “eat,” and “all done” are great signs to begin with because they are things that surround your baby’s daily life. Teach your baby signs that you have ample opportunities to use throughout the day.

Use your signs in context

It’s so much fun to show off our baby’s newest tricks, and sign language is a great way to capture those “oohs” and “ahhs!” However, make sure that when you are modeling or asking for a sign, it is in context. Asking your baby to sign “apple,” when he is neither hungry nor are there any apples around can potentially confuse your baby. The goal of teaching your baby sign language is to teach them a way to communicate their wants and needs, so make sure you keep it in context!

Don’t give up!

It is going to take you modeling a sign many many times before you see your child imitate. Keep going. Help your baby by doing hand-over-hand signing. This is where you take your baby’s hands in yours and do the sign together. Your baby will catch on! Just remember to be patient. Once they learn a few signs, it’ll get easier and easier to teach new ones. The first few take the longest to learn. Just make sure you’re consistent, enthusiastic, and give your child lots of praise for any attempts made. Your baby will have their “ah-ha” moment and will become a signing junkie!

May I recommend?

Baby Signing Time Volumes One and Two

These are excellent dvd’s which incorporate wonderful beginning signs with fun, catchy music. Both of my children love the Signing Times series and the Baby series is top-notch! Their website also has a lot of great information for parents who want to teach their babies to sign.

What has your experience been with sign language and your children?

Of course we all believe that our kids are a blessing, but what message are we sending our children? If they are a gift to you, do they know it? When they just spilled milk all over the couch they may not feel like a blessing at that moment, but we do have times when we can express our love for them.

What are the words that you say to them? Even caring and loving parents may not send the right message if their words don’t back up their intentions. Telling your kids that they were an accident, even in a joking manner, may communicate the message that they weren’t wanted.

My parenting class asks, “Are they an interruption or a part of your dreams and goals?” A child may even feel their parent’s resentment, because a parent had to give up their dreams when they learned that they were pregnant. I really hope that my baby is a part of what we do. I had the option of staying home with her for two weeks or bring my baby and go with my husband and friends to the Philippines from Texas. My husband and I thought and prayed about it. We reminded ourselves of our goal to include our children in our trips. So she became a part of our dreams and goals and we all went on the trip.

Have you told them? Kids like to hear it straight. Saying the words “I am so glad I get to be your mom (or dad).” to them sends a message that they are significant and that they matter.

My daughter is only ten months old, but I believe she can already tell how much we love her. One way that I show my baby how much I love her is by jumping up and down and clapping when I go get her from her nap. I say, ”I am so glad to see you!” when I first walk in, even though she only napped for 45 minutes and I am certainly not done returning emails and switching loads. My baby would definitely get a different message if I growled at her when I walked in and unhappily changed her diaper.

Spending time with your children and telling them how much you love them will help them see themselves as a blessing to you.

How do you show your kids that they are a blessing to you?