The Mom Crowd

Next week we will begin a new series on The Mom Crowd called “Abiding Monday.” Every Monday Dawn or another author will share a devotional related to the topic of motherhood and being a woman. The post will typically share a scripture from the Bible, an insightful commentary, and a prayer that we can pray. My hope is that these devotionals will help us turn our focus on God as we begin our hectic and busy weeks.

The title of the series, “Abiding Monday” is from John 15:5, “I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

In this passage Jesus is speaking and refers to himself as a vine and says that we are the branches. We can pull out 3 reasons why we should abide in Jesus from this scripture.

1. Without Him we can do nothing.

2. Abiding in Him allows us to bear good fruit.

3. We are the vehicles that God chose to help others.

I know I want to see my children learn to have good character and make wise choices. Acknowledging God’s presence in my life and trying to follow His will found in the Bible will help me be a better parent. He is so much more wise than me and without Him I can’t do anything well. Also, in this scripture it says “he bears much fruit.” “He” is the person abiding in Jesus. It doesn’t say that Jesus bears the fruit – we do! We are to help our kids, our family, our friends, and the world. Thankfully, he gives us the peace, joy, wisdom, and strength to do the job.

Throughout the next few weeks Dawn and the other authors will be praying and seeking what God has to say to mothers. I believe He is very proud of us and recognizes how hard our jobs are.

This series is very new to The Mom Crowd. The Bible and Christianity have not been mentioned here much before. Every author here is a Christian and each one writes from a heart that only desires to encourage, inform, and inspire other moms. Every mom no matter their personal views can agree that we want to be good parents and raise good kids. I hope everyone will come back next Monday for our inaugural post of “Abiding Monday”!

On Wednesday, Christy posted about secondary infertility.  It was a deeply personal topic for her and one that greatly encouraged others.  I was encouraged by Christy’s gentle reminders of what to say (and what not to say) if I ever find myself conversing with a friend in that position.  Thank you, Christy (and dear readers)!

Ironically, Wednesday was also the day that one of my friends began the in vitro fertilization process for the first time.  I will call this friend Allison.  Naturally, my heart thought of Allison and her husband as I read Christy’s words.  Infertility has long been their battle, and IVF is a huge step for them. 

One thing I love about my friendship with Allison is that we are completely different from one another.  She’s an introvert; I am not.  She is an engineer; I most definitely am not.  She is hard to get to know; I am not.  She doesn’t like “The Office” (and oh, how I do).  You get the idea.  I think it is from sheer perseverance on both our parts that we have become close at all. 

It was nearly a year into our friendship when she revealed to me the depth of her sadness about wanting to become a mother.  I had always wondered why this fantastic couple didn’t have children, but I didn’t want to pry.  The day Allison started to open up to me, I felt that she was handing me a fragile part of her heart, and I needed to care for it responsibly.  I can recall few times when I have been so cautious with my words. 

Allison and her husband talk with others about their infertility issues as little as possible.  They don’t like being asked, on a regular basis, about “how things are going” or “pregnant yet?”  They know their friends and family have the best of intentions, but the constant questioning irritates and saddens them.  They have even refrained from telling certain family members about the IVF process, as a measure of emotional protection for themselves.  Not only do they dislike having to give detailed updates on a regular basis, they feel they are disappointing others when nothing changes.  They are so consumed with their own worry, the idea of letting too many others in on it would put even more on their shoulders.

Over the past several months, I have learned from Allison that she desires prayer and concern from others, but she doesn’t want conversations to revolve solely around her infertility.  She desires her friends to check in occasionally.  To ask first if it’s something she is up to talking about.  To give hugs generously and to use words sparingly. 

These are lessons I think a lot of us well-meaning mothers could use.  I hope Allison’s story will give you strength to support someone you love in a similar situation.

Have you ever been on either side of this process, either as the friend or the woman pursuing IVF?  What were the challenges you faced in relating to the other?  Is there a right thing to say?

photo courtesy greekadman

I began motherhood as a parent of a child with special needs.  I really don’t know what parenting is like without having children with medical concerns and special needs.  What I do know is that I view motherhood as one of the most beautiful gifts I have received.  My children are beautiful creations and through them God has placed some amazing people in my life.  My dearest, closest friends are friends I have made or become closer to after becoming a mother.  I often have struggled with feeling as though I have been loved much more than I am capable of reciprocating because these people in my life can love like no one else I’ve ever met. 

I am sure it can be intimidating if one of your friends or someone you know has a child with special needs.  You may not know how to approach them or may feel awkward around them or their child.  When that mom talks about frustrations that are bigger than anything you’ve dealt with as a mom, you may not know how to respond to them.  As the parent of children with special needs, I’d love to share with you some ways to support, encourage, and deepen your friendships with moms of children with different needs than your children. 

Allow the friendship to be two-sided

• It is hard for me when a gal pal makes the entire friendship about my needs and doesn’t allow me to encourage and support them.  My closest friends are friends who talk to me about the things happening in their lives without fearing that their drama is less important than mine.  Don’t hold back discussing your life with your friend because you are afraid that they have more important issues than yours to talk or think about!  Allow them to comfort and encourage you!

Ask questions

• If you do not understand what their child’s needs are or want to know about something, do not be afraid to ask.  Most parents would rather you ask questions than make an assumption.  For example, when my daughter had feeding issues at birth requiring a feeding tube that most people had never seen, it was relieving to me when someone would ask me what the tube was.  I felt like most people were scared of the odd tube coming out of my newborn baby’s nose and it felt good when people would approach me and ask what it was or why she had a feeding tube.  
• Be slightly careful with advice or suggestions though.  Even if you have experience with an issue the mom is dealing with, don’t be too forceful with your input or opinion about the situation.  They likely have a bunch of specialists, therapists, and mother-in-laws helping them with the issue and probably forcing their own suggestions on their shoulders.  Just like with all your mom friends, they are not going to share the same parenting philosophy as you on every issue.  And the definition of their issue may be different than in the world off the typical developing child.  For example, with a child with medical or developmental issues, they may not be able to use the “he’ll eat when he’s hungry” approach with their picky eater.  However, don’t allow yourself to cross over from being sensitive with advice to being afraid to talk about their child’s struggles.  It’s ok to suggest anything, just without becoming forceful or overly opinionated. 

Pay attention to what is said

• Write down important days coming up  in your friends’ life.  If they have a special education meeting with their school, remember the day so you can follow up with them about how it went.  If they mention a week full of doctor’s appointments, ask if their other children can come over to play while they’re at the appointments.  It always feels good when somebody remembers what you tell them.  

Allow them to be negative and vent

• It is hard to maintain a positive attitude about the struggles involved in raising a child with special needs.  When your friend vents, pouts, cries, or is ultra negative about a situation, give them your ear and shoulder.  Try not to assume that they are overall unhappy about their lives though because they have these bouts of negativity.  I get frustrated whenever I see my OB/GYN doctor because he saw me at my very worst when my first child was born with Down syndrome and my second child was born with a heart defect.  I always feel as though he doesn’t believe me when I tell him that life really is going great because he will always see me as the mother grieving for the children she expected to have, but didn’t.  I wouldn’t trade my kids for the world and even though I pout and become very negative about certain health issues they face, it is freeing to know that I have a few ears and a few shoulders who can handle that crying and even whining knowing how much I love my children.  Those people have even told me I’m very positive about the situations I’ve faced, which shocks me because they get to see the nasty side of me during hard and scary times. 

Remember that they’re moms just like you

• Talk about the things you talk to other moms about.  Do not feel intimidated because their parenting experience is a little different than yours.  Invite them to playdates.  If they’ve mentioned that their child has sensory issues and does not like over-stimulating environments, plan a quiet playdate at your house.  Ask them mom advice.  Don’t assume that they are too tired for a phone call or a moms night out.  In fact, plan a time for you to get together sans kids! 

All of these suggestions have come from being on the very wonderful receiving end.  I hope that you will reach out to a mom you know who has children with different needs than your children!

My favorite book on parenting is Finding Your Purpose as a Mom by Donna Otto.  I bought this book at Borders one afternoon while browsing around, shortly after my oldest child was born.  It stayed on my bookshelf for about a year, until spring 2007, when I had extra room in my schedule and my mind to take it all in.  Over the past two years, I have read and re-read this excellent book, and endeavored to put many of Ms. Otto’s tips into practice.

Finding Your Purpose as a Mom is filled with practical ideas.  I love Ms. Otto’s chapters on keeping the home in order, maintaining peaceful relationships with family members and friends, and making the house a welcoming, inviting home.  But beyond the practicality of her ideas lies chapter after after chapter about envisioning the future for your family – having an idea of how you’d like your kids to grow up, and living intentionally to seek after those goals.

My favorite application in this regard is listing qualities I’d like to see in my children as they grow older.  When I first read the book, I made a list of 10 for my daughter, and put it on my nightstand as a reminder of my overarching purpose as Lucy’s mother.  Here are three of Ms. Otto’s many examples:

• I want [my home] to grow a man or woman of prayer.
• I want [my home] to grow a person of character and integrity.
• I want [my home] to grow a culturally discerning person.

I love the author’s gentle insight.  She is older than me (probably older than my mom), yet her wisdom doesn’t seem dated.  Rather, it’s timeless.  She shares many stories from her own parenting experiences – successes and failures – to flesh out her advice, and she is encouraging to her readers in such an inspiring way that I feel refreshed after consuming any chapter.  It moves me to action.

If you are needing some inspiration or advice amidst this vast and tiring career called motherhood, Finding Your Purpose as a Mom is an encouraging “shot in the arm”.  Donna Otto’s book Secrets to Getting More Done in Less Time is also great – an in-depth outline of her specific strategies for organization of home life.  Both of these books would make great gifts, too – especially for a new mom.

What unconventional parenting books have made a difference in your life?  Do share!  And have a great weekend, Mom Crowd!

“Mommy, can you try to be more patient?”

My 3-year-old daughter said this last night.  Several things ran through my mind at that moment:

1. Wow, she knows what patience is and how to use that word in context!  She’s a genius!
2. I guess I’m really failing at my parenting role at the moment.
3. Wait a minute, haven’t I been pretty darn patient this week??

My husband has been out of town since Sunday morning, and he comes home tomorrow night.  Seven straight days of solo 24/7 care of my kids.  (He was gone for a week in June, too, so I’m feeling pretty worn down.)   I know for many of you moms out there, this is how your life looks, too.  Our spouses have to leave for periods of time for a variety of reasons.  I’m sure we all have ways of coping with our tremendous parenting responsibilities on our own.

Here’s how I’ve survived this week (having been… “mostly” patient):

• I made lots of plans with friends.  Lunches out, dinners in, swimming dates, what have you.  I’ve been loading and unloading my kids from the car several times a day.
• I registered my older child for Vacation Bible School for the week.  Not only did this give her something special to do each day, it lightened my morning load so I only had to care for one child.
• I updated my facebook status about fifty times a day to vent or brag, whichever need was stronger.
• I watched a stack of chick flicks.
• I managed to get in my running routine, getting creative with scheduling & childcare.
• I said no when I needed to say no.  I was going to go to a potluck dinner on Monday night until my kids started their evening meltdown.  I opted to stay in and put them to bed early.  Good call.
• I hardly did any chores around the house.  The sheets will get changed, the clothes will get washed, and the floors will get swept next week. 
• I ate ice cream right out of the carton.

Meanwhile, my kids decided to test my disputed patience level with endless fighting, tantrums (thanks, new 2-year-old!), screaming that made my ears bleed, repeated and annoying questions, and refusals to eat more than half of each meal.

When Lucy asked me to be more patient, I had just finished yelling about how they weren’t cleaning up their toys.  (Yep, that old chestnut.)  By the end of Day Five, that kind of seemed allowable.  I mean seriously.  I can’t be supermom all the time!  I did calmly try to explain to her that I have been patient most of the time, and that should count for something!  Of course, all she heard was “Blah blah blah, blah BLAH, blah BLAH,” to which she responded, “NOW will you read the book to me?”

Alas.  We’re alive, we’re well, and we’re happy, for the most part.  Have a great weekend, Mom Crowd!

photo courtesy dieselbug2007