Cry It Out or Co-Sleeping, Is One Way Really the Best?
I have mentioned before in various blog posts that my 7 month old baby boy is still waking up 3 or 4 times a night. At the 6 month baby check up my Pediatrician recommended that we try to eliminate the 2:00 or 3:00 a.m. feeding. I don’t remember her telling me how to do that. I do remember that she told me that if he can put himself to sleep at 7:00 p.m. with no crying, then he should be able to put himself back to sleep at 3:00 a.m. with no crying. It makes sense to me. That week I tried letting my baby cry it out (CIO). I finally gave up after an hour and went to nurse him. When I nursed him, he was pissed. He kicked and pinched me. Then he continued to cry even after nursing. After that night I was reluctant to try CIO again.
In the next few weeks I did everything else I could think to try. I started with his naps and created a more structured nap time. He responded very well to the schedule and was sleeping better in the day time, but no change in the night time. I tried feeding him more solid food. I even stuffed him with solids until he wouldn’t eat another bite at dinner time. Still no change. He wakes up around 10:30 or 11:00 p.m. and I had my husband try to give him formula. He wouldn’t drink from the bottle. We tried that because my husband gave him formula one morning during one of my long runs and he slept longer than usual after drinking the formula.
This past week we went back to the CIO method. After he cried for a while I was reluctant to go in and breastfeed for fear that I would get beat up again. I thought it was best to let him finish crying on his own. He was mad, but I really felt like he was alright. (He had just nursed 2 hours before he woke up again.) It seems to be working, because each night it seems to be getting better. Last night he only woke up once.
I am not sure what the alternative is to the CIO method. Is it just pushing through with the many night time feedings with hopes that it won’t last much longer? Attachment Parenting International recommends Co-Sleeping. My son did sleep in my room in a bassinet or pack-n-play for the first 5 months. Then we thought moving him out of our room would help his night time waking. I believe Co-Sleeping may be great for some families, but I am just not wired that way.
I think a mother’s personality will likely determine whatever method they choose to use. Each child and mother is different. We have to trust our instincts and make the wisest choices we can for our families. We shouldn’t judge how another family chooses to help their children sleep. Both the CIO and Co-Sleeping methods have different pros and cons. Each one has various research studies saying why the other method is stupid and theirs is the best.
Seriously, I just read a blog post speaking out against the CIO method and the comments make me feel like the worst mother on the planet. Am I a selfish parent for wanting to sleep more than 4 straight hours? I know I am the mother and I should care and love my children, meet their needs, and help them feel secure. Sometimes I am at a loss on how to do that exactly. Especially with both sides of the fence attacking the other.
What it comes down to in almost every parenting decision is what is right for that child, that mother, and that family. Each situation is different. No two children are alike, therefore one method isn’t going to solve each and every child’s sleep issues.
What do you think? Have you tried the CIO method? Do you practice Attachment Parenting? Is one better than the other?
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I haven’t tried CIO really, but I’m not necessarily against it. Usually it only lasts for a short while. And I don’t like the accusations that both sides throw at each other either, Amanda! I don’t think you’re being selfish – on the contrary, you’re probably a better mother when you’re well-rested! I know I am, and I try to get a fair night’s sleep so I can consistently be a good mom to my kids.
Have you read The No-Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley? I ask b/c some of the things you did to get your son to sleep through the night remind me of parts of that book. If not, you might want to check it out. Good luck, and I hope the little guy starts sleeping through the night soon!
My son didn’t go to sleep on his own until 14 months. I tried a few half-hearted attempts , 1/2 hour here, 45 minutes there but kept breaking down and going in to him and breastfeeding him to sleep. He only went to sleep on his own when I really, firmly decided that I had enough and so left him to CIO completely. I knew he wasn’t hungry. He just wanted company. So once I didn’t give in, it took 3 nights of him CIO for progressively shorter times (1 1/2 hours, 1 hour, 15 minutes…) and then he got it. I was a better mom for him in the daytime with tons more energy to play with him!
We did not CIO. It just wasn’t for us.
I also suggest the No-Cry Sleep Solution by Pantley. There are two versions of the book, for babies (the original) and then For Toddlers and Preschoolers (the second). The stuff we learned with our older son by using her plan helped us never really have issue with our younger son. (I say this while knocking in wood.)
We let our kids CIO. It was really hard, but when we made the decision to really let them CIO no matter how long it took, within 3-4 nights it was much better. First night was just over an hour, then 45 minutes, then 15, then 5, then nothing. I think this method is totally okay when you know they really are fine, and I agree with Marian, I was a better mom during the day with much more energy! My kids got all the attention they wanted during the day and they knew they were loved!
If you cannot do CIO, I recommend a method from the Baby Whisperer called- Pick Up/ Put Down. I never used it, because I did CIO and it worked for us, but a good friend of mine could not do CIO and found success with the Pick UP/ Put Down Method. I have linked to my blog post about it and I hope you will find it helpful!
http://blogginaboutbabies.wordpress.com/2009/05/11/pupd-pick-up-put-down-baby-whisperers-sleep-training-method/
I also wrote a post about eliminating nighttime feeding and gave all sorts of strategies to achieve this. I hope this helps too!
http://blogginaboutbabies.wordpress.com/2009/05/04/how-to-eliminate-nighttime-waking/
We did the CIO. It was hard at first, but I knew they were fine and then it only lasted about 5 min after about 3 days. It has also helped with Reagan lately because at 12 months she still has a tendency to wake up in the night. She now will wake up for 2 minutes and put herself back to sleep.
It really worked for us. Good luck and you are a FANTASTIC mother!! Do NOT feel bad. I hate to hear about the “mommy wars” that seem to be going on everywhere. We should be advocates for each other…encouraging and lifting each other up.
I let both my children CIO and it worked wonders. Obviously there ia a limit. I would never let them scream bloody murder for 30 minutes but lay in there and fuss with a few tears? YES! They were both better for it in the long run and me standing outside their doors upset that my baby was crying was making the situation about me and not about my kids.
I never did nor would I ever co-sleep. It just isn’t safe and I don’t see how it benefits a child. My kids are so proud when they do things on their own and I like for everyone to have their own space. I don’t see how they can learn things and be independent if I’m always breathing all over them. I don’t thin kco-sleeping is the answer to a kid who wakes in the night crying. Sure, it will help now, but when you have to move them into their own room when they’re two…NIGHTMARE!!!! If you think this crying now is a lot to take, wait til then.
We let both our boys CIO. It was the worst 3/4 nights of my life! However, now we put the 8 month old down at 6:30 and the almost 2 yr old down at 7 and they don’t stir until at least 6:30/7 the next morning. Heaven!!! Of course there have been exceptions…illness, teething, etc. Our youngest has acid reflux so we did wait until about 5 months to really let him CIO (we rocked and rocked and rocked until then.) The other times we tried (starting at 3 months per dr suggestion) it just didn’t work. The boys have both slept in their own cribs/bedrooms since they were 2 wks old. As a stay at home mom, I don’t think I could have done co-sleeping. Personally, I just need that mental and physical separation for some time each day/night. I’m so grateful that my husband was able to see the long-term benefits of CIO (while I could only see the short-term emotional hardship!) He was a huge support. One thing I’m trying to learn as a mom is not to judge how other parents choose to raise the children God has given them (notice I said trying…not there yet!)
I let my son CIO, he goes down without crying maybe once a month, every other time (naps included) he cries. He also wakes up crying! I wonder why??? I wish he would just go to sleep w/out having to cry and wake up in a good mood. Even just the sight of his crib he turns his head and immediately starts to cry when I start to lean over the crib to lay him down. His crying only lasts 5 maybe 10 minutes- which is the only reason I am okay with him CIO but I wish he would LIKE to sleep, I mean I love sleeping so I don’t know what’s the big deal??? Any advice?
As far as CIO or Co-sleeping, or rocking to sleep ect.. I think whatever works best for the parent and whatever the parent can handle is the best!
We were in the same boat as you with our 7 month old boy too when until I finally decided to do something about our son’s night time wakes. After reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, I was given more confidence to try the CIO with my son. The first night he cried for 3 hours. 3 hours. But after he finally fell asleep, he slept from midnight till 7am. That had never happened before. Second night: 1 hour of crying. Slept till 7am again. Since then, he’s been a 7:30pm-7am sleeper, each and every night. CIO really worked for us: it taught my son how to soothe himself to sleep without needing us, resulting in deeper sleep and no more need for late evening or early morning feeds!
Wow, thank you all for your comments!!
@Kim – The first night my son cried for 2.5 hours, but each night it has gotten so much better. Your 3 hours made me feel a lot better.
Oh man, nothing like reading posts against CIO to get the old mom guilt going! I think you’re right, every mom is different. Also, every child is different. I can’t sleep at all with Kaylee in the bed and she doesn’t really sleep well either. I don’t feel particularly comfortable with the CIO method, but I have used it as a last resort a few times. Kaylee randomly started waking during the night around 8 months to nurse. Soon it became a routine. She woke up twice every night. The doctor suggested we stop the night time feedings, and I did but only because I really believed that she didn’t need it. We tried a variation of CIO for three nights and she was back to sleeping through the night. Somewhere around 12 months she started her night wakings again. I think it was her teeth. I would pick her up and provide comfort because I really believed she needed it. Well that became routine too. I was up like every hour for at least a month. She wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t sleeping well, an all around mess! So we again, did a variation of CIO for 3 nights and things went back to normal. I hate CIO, and don’t do exactly the way some suggest. What seemed to work best for us, was letting her cry for 5 minutes then I’d go in and tell her I loved her very much, but it was time for sleep without picking her up. I’d then extend the time by 5 minutes every time. She was asleep in about 45 minutes. This variation worked for us, but I know that every baby is different. Hang in there! You’ll figure it out, and don’t let other people make you feel bad!
I have the same problem with my 8 month old waking up in the middle of the night to have a bottle. She used to sleep through the night until about 5 or 6 in the morning but for the past 2 weeks or so (maybe longer) she has been waking up around 3 or 4 for a bottle. I am not one for the cry it out method but I am willing to try it if it means she will sleep through the night. Most nights she isn’t even getting 8 or 9 hours of sleep and I know she needs more than that because then she is cranky during the day. Her nap schedule is pretty good and consistent but lately I feel like she is starting to fight sleep. Anyone have any suggestions. I have tried the “No Cry Sleep Solution” and didn’t find it very useful as my little one fights anything that makes her go to sleep (unless she just can’t stay awake any longer and then a bottle puts her sleep).
My hubby and I are all for the CIO method – hands down! It’s worked fantastically for both our kids and by the 4th night there were no more tears.
I am reading on mostly everyone’s posts that by the 3rd-4th night there were no more tears. I do CIO and my son still cries for 5-10 minutes every single time I put him to bed or nap…..
I hate CIO, but sometimes it’s what you need to do. None of my kids have been quick to sleep through the night. I’m still up 1-2 times every night with my nearly 9 month old.
What works for us some nights is for my husband to go in rather than me. Some nights all he has to do is pat her on the back a few times and she’ll settle down. Other times he has to rock her. But even though he’s helping to soothe her, rather than making her do it herself, she’s learning to go to sleep without more food, so we’re breaking that habit.
I was just reading through some more of the posts and you need at least 5 hours of straight sleep to reset your brain chemistry.
Stephanie–I think some kids wake up crying no matter what. I have friends whose kiddos just wake up crying–every single day. Eventually they grow out of it. And some kids are geared to cry for a few minutes before falling asleep.
One thing that might help is to evaluate if your child is getting enough cumulative rest in at 24 hour period. But it sounds like maybe your little one just needs to release some energy before falling asleep.
I have done it both ways – CIO with my first child and co-sleeping with my second. I would never want to tell people what “THE” right thing to do is – every family and every child has different strengths and needs. In my own experience, however, the CIO method has given me a withdrawn and anxious child. My youngest (the co-sleeper) is outgoing and secure. While I would like to sleep a full night’s rest, I know that this is just a fleeting time in my daughter’s life and I am committed to parenting her full-time – even at night. I am so surprised at the difference CIO vs. co-sleeping has made in my children.