The Mom Crowd

As moms we all feel discouraged at one time or another for not living up to expectations that we have of ourselves. I mentioned in my “Judging Other Mothers” post that we should encourage each other as moms instead of judging each other.

Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages” suggests that people feel encouraged and loved through five different love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, the giving of gifts, physical touch, and time spent. Think about a friend that you would like to encourage this week. Which do you think their love language would be? Try to do one act of encouragement this week for another friend. You will feel encouraged that you did something nice for a friend and they will be cheered up. They may be having a rough day and your little note or act of kindness could make all the difference.

Here are 30 ways that you can encourage a friend:

1. Pick up the phone and see how they are doing.

2. Mail them an encouraging note. It doesn’t have to be long.

3. Buy a small gift like a candy bar or a tube of lip gloss and leave it on their door with a note.

4. Meet up for coffee after all the kids are in bed and dad is home.

5. Give a hug.

6. Say the words, “You are a great mom!” to a friend.

7. Make a mix cd of your favorite songs for your friend.

8. Make her a gift set of personalized blank note cards that they can use later.

9. Listen to what they are going through. Just listen and don’t solve the problem, unless they ask for suggestion.

10. Mail her a $5 gift card to Blockbuster, so she can treat herself to a nice movie after the kids are in bed.

11. Meet up at a kid-friendly restaurant with your kids.

12. Compliment her cooking skills.

13. Meet at the park and bring her lunch.

14. Say the words, “Have you lost more weight? Those jeans look fabulous on you!”

15. When you go to the grocery store call them and ask if they need anything.

16. Go over to their house and while they watch the kids, do their dishes or vacuum.

17. Babysit their child(ren) for an hour, while they take a long bubble bath or take a nap.

18. Go for a walk together.

19. Help them organize that closet that they have not gotten to yet.

20. Send them a funny Hallmark e-card. (Hoops and Yo-Yo are always funny.)

21. While the dads stay home and babysit meet up with other moms on a Saturday night.

22. Go raid the clearance racks at expensive department stores together. (Macy’s usually has some good deals. My friend says that Nordstrom’s can have some good deals too.)

23. Send an email to old friend and say that you were thinking about them.

24. Just go over to their house and spend an afternoon together while playing with the kids at the same time.

25. Drop off a cute little bouquet of flowers. (Costco has amazing bouquets for fifteen bucks.)

26. Compliment what a great job she is doing raising her child(ren).

27. Help her plan her child’s birthday party.

28. Plan a two-family meal and eat together. One cooks the main dish and the other cooks the sides.

29. Print out photos that you have taken of them or their children and give them to her.

30. Write a nice comment on their blog.

A few months ago I wrote a post entitled “Unsung Wonder-Moms in Film“, which lauded mom characters in movies that weren’t necessarily about motherhood. The topic spurred many of you to comment about your own favorite movie moms. And a friend of mine, after reading my article, responding with the following:

Although she’s a bit of a weeny, I always liked the mom in Footloose. She was one of those moms who was loving and steady, but ready for the family to heal and move on.
Oh, and can I say Marilla Cuthbert from Anne of Green Gables? She was definitely a wonderful adopted mom of Anne; she was loving, steadfast and supportive, despite her initially frosty exterior.

I couldn’t agree more with Chrissy’s inclusion of Marilla (played by Colleen Dewhurst) as a remarkable maternal figure to Anne-with-an-”e” Shirley. In case you are not familiar with these names, they are main characters in a popular adolescent literature series, the first and most prominent title being Anne of Green Gables. A deliciously entertaining pair* of mini-series was made in the late ’80s based on the stories. It is must-see entertainment, full of adolescent adventures and indelible life lessons, as well as endearing Canadian accents. The lead actress, Megan Follows, is fantastic. If you haven’t yet sat down with your daughter, a sister, or a favorite girlfriend to have an Anne Shirley marathon, get thee to a public library and check out these excellent videos (Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea). Then cancel your weekend plans and enjoy.

Anyway, I probed Chrissy for more of her opinions and insights about Marilla Cuthbert, and our Q & A session is below. In case you haven’t seen it, watch out, for there might be spoilers.

**********************

How old were you when you first saw the movie? Did your age impact the way in which you first viewed Marilla as a mother figure? As an adult, has this impression changed any?

I think I was around 8 or 9. Yes, I do think my age impacted the way I first saw Marilla. Initially I thought she was very stern, and since my focus at that time was more on Anne, I just simply didn’t notice Marilla’s role in the story as much. As I continued to watch the movies over the years, I began to pay attention to other characters and, of course, that included Marilla.

When in the story did you start to see Marilla’s “frosty exterior” begin to melt?

I think there are elements of this from the very beginning of the story. Most notably, there’s a scene in which Marilla is telling the lady that brought Anne from the orphanage that there was a mix-up because she and Matthew asked for a boy, not a girl. The lady says that another family in town might be able to take Anne and it just so happens that the matriarch of that family walks up at that moment. She’s obviously a very hard, uncompassionate woman and almost immediately starts barking out orders at Anne. Marilla watches this in silence, and says that she actually needs time to reconsider and that she should talk to Matthew before making any decisions about Anne.

And of course, who could forget the scene where Anne forgets to put the cheesecloth over the sauce for the dessert she’s making for dinner with Miss Stacey? In a dramatic gesture at the end of the meal, Anne commands everyone to drop their forks because a mouse perished in the sauce earlier that day. Marilla is embarrassed and apologetic and rushes away all the dishes. But Miss Stacey starts to laugh, and eventually Matthew and Marilla join her in side-splitting laughter.

What is your favorite scene with Marilla and Anne in any one of the Anne movies?

There are so many good ones that I don’t think I can name an exclusive favorite! Although there are many funny scenes between the two characters, there’s a really touching moment right after Matthew dies, when Marilla hears Anne crying in the night. She gets up, comes to Anne’s room and comforts her. She says that even though Matthew seemed better able to express his love for Anne, she loves and has loved Anne just as much as Matthew did.

How specifically was Marilla steadfast and supportive?

Although Marilla was strict with Anne, she also encouraged her to reach for her dreams of teaching and going to college. She stood by Anne in the face of others’ prejudice against orphans (ex. Diana’s mother not forgiving Anne when Diana accidentally got drunk). Marilla was proud of Anne’s accomplishments and praised Anne for them. Marilla was dedicated to Anne and despite the many ups and downs that they went through, she remained faithful and committed.

Is there any nugget of wisdom or advice that you remember Marilla sharing with Anne?

I think that Marilla often gave Anne very practical pieces of advice because she was so pragmatic herself. But one piece of indirect advice was given when Marilla told Anne that she regretted the fact that she never forgave her old beau, Gilbert’s father. Marilla basically told Anne not to be too proud or unforgiving with people, because you could run the risk of alienating important relationships and ending up alone. Pretty good advice, I think. There was also the time that she offered to soothe Anne’s disappointed hopes and confusion about love with plum puffs. You can certainly never go wrong turning to yummy and sweet baked goods in times of trial.

*****************

I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks, Chrissy, for your insights! What about you, dear moms? Are you a fan of these great movies? What are your thoughts about Marilla as a mom figure?

Happy weekend, and check back next time to see if I delve into the argument of whether or not the mom in Footloose is, in fact, a weeny.

* Just a note to acknowledge the third movie made, Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story – I only saw it once but was not terribly impressed with it. And for you hard-core fans, did you know that this is in the works? Holy cow!

My husband and I are having a hard time trying to decide how or if we are going to celebrate Valentine’s Day. We don’t usually make a big deal of the holiday. It really takes a lot of the pressure off of the both us if neither of us have particular expectations. Sometimes we will combine Valentine’s Day and my birthday and splurge on a romantic five-course dinner. This is our first year with our little one and it doesn’t look like a babysitter is going to happen. So we may go out to nice lunch with the baby or celebrate in a small way at home.

One of my favorite articles on Zenhabits.net is ‘50 Ways to Be Romantic on the Cheap.’ I am definitely a frugal gal so I appreciate some of the cheaper traditions of the holiday. Check out the article to get a few ideas for you and your loved one.

From the 50 here is my favorite 5:

14. Snuggle together while watching romantic movies .

17. Bring home good coffee or a decadent sweet.

30. Write a love letter.

33. Groom yourself, and try to look good for your partner.

50. Play Sade. Do what comes naturally. Slowly.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Before I had my daughter I had a few moms tell me that it is okay if I am not immediately head over heals in love with my newborn. They shared their own experience of how they loved their babies, but they did not automatically have a gushy kind of love for them.

One mom told me how one day when her baby was a few months old she was playing with her baby and it just hit her. She instantly fell in love with her baby. Another mom said that it was a gradual feeling and how it took a few months for that overflowing kind of love to come.

I was very thankful for this advice. I was proud of my baby and I loved her, but I didn’t have that overwhelming kind of love for her when I brought her home. I was wrapped up in recovering from labor, learning how to breastfeed, guests and dinners, and getting sleep. I didn’t really have time to focus on her as my daughter. I was doing what I had to do. I remember I kept saying to myself, “I have a daughter!” Mother’s Day was six days after my baby was born and it still didn’t sink in that I was a mom. Eventually over a few weeks that ushy-gushy, overwhelming love came. I would do anything for her and I really love her.

I think it is important to remember that we aren’t bad moms if we don’t immediately love our newborns. For some moms they are instantly in love with their babies, but not every mom is the same. I was thankful that I was warned because it gave me freedom to not feel condemned for how I was feeling. I knew that the affection for my new baby would eventually come.

Did you have any experience with this?

Last week, The Mom Crowd reader, Sharon M. commented on my article, “Making the Most Out of PlayTime with Your Baby.” Here’s what she wrote:

“What do you do when your toddler/ preschooler goes through the “obsession” phase? Like my son, for instance, has been on a musical instrument kick for the past several weeks and that’s ALL HE WANTS TO DO. The water bottle is his bassoon, the electric heaters are baritones and tubas, and one of our cords for our computer has become the french horn. Now I love music, and instruments, but all the time? No thank you! How do you divert him to play something else? How long will this last? I am tired of playing musical instruments!!!”

My first response is, “How wonderful!” You have a very imaginative child and I credit your parenting for helping to build that amazing creativity. You get a gold star in parenting from me! My second response is, “This too shall pass.” As a mother of a preschooler, you already know how children’s phases fly by way too fast, however when you’re in the middle of it, it can feel like an eternity! My third response is, “You are not alone!” I have watched countless toddlers preschoolers obsess on trains, G.I. Joe action figures, and ruby red slippers to name a few!

All of the research I have found suggests that toddler obsessions are very normal and very healthy. I found this mom of a child obsessed with trains who asks a very similar question to yours regarding her son’s obsession. The responses were overwhelmingly supportive to her son’s obsession with trains and emphasized how “normal” her son’s obsession is. I found this horse-maniac who needs a new word for OBSESSION! I also found this sticker-devotee, this box-fanatic, this button-pusher, and this bug-lover.

While it’s very normal for your child to become passionate over something, variety in your child’s play is also very important.

• You can work on teaching your son turn-taking to encourage more variety in his play. You can tell him, “Mommy really wants to play trains. Let’s play trains for 5 minutes and then you can choose what we play after we’re done.” Set a timer so he knows that once it beeps, he gets to choose the next activity.
• Encourage variety within his obsession. If all he wants to play is musical instruments, encourage him to play with musical instruments in different ways. He can color musical instruments (I found this handy site that has musical coloring pages for free), you can have him push his toy cars across the floor to the speed of the music playing, you can have him explore his dramatic play by using facial expressions and body movements that imitate the music playing, and you can get him new books that talk about new instruments he may not know. Even if he doesn’t want to leave the music world to play with other things, you can bring other things into his music world!
• Mix up his play by introducing new instruments to him. I couldn’t help but notice that he seems especially fond of brass instruments. If he is obsessing on brass instruments in particular, maybe working on expanding from brass to percussion or strings. While you’re not completely leaving the music world, you’re at least expanding from tubas and baritones!
• Arrange play dates for your son with children his age. Even if your son can get his friend as excited about music as he is, at least you will get a break from having to play it with him for a short time. Chances are the other child will have their own obsession, and it may rub off on your son, too!

I have said all that to say, encourage that passion and love for music as much as you can. Research is very clear on the power music has on children’s brain development, especially in the first six years of life. I come from a very musical family and play the piano, flute, and am learning the guitar. I hope my children have a passion for music and creative minds like your son.

Alright readers, the microphone is yours! What are your toddlers and preschoolers obsessed with? How long did the phases last? Any advise for dear Sharon who’s tired of playing musical instruments?