The Mom Crowd

You glance in your child’s room and it looks like a tornado swept through it. You call down the stairs to ask your son or daughter why they have not cleaned their room yet and their response is that they are busy right now and will do it later. But later does not come that day… or the next day or the next.

Chores Equals Boring

children and chores

Household chores are something that we all must do but they are not fun or exciting. Just as you do not particularly look forward to vacuuming, doing dishes or taking out the garbage neither does your child or your teenager. Playing on the computer, playing with the X-Box, watching television or hanging out with friends is so much more gratifying to them.

Your kids do not want to be taken away from something interesting that they are doing to do something that holds no level of stimulation for them at all. On some level they know that helping with chores is something that they must do as a member of the family but still knowing that does not always translate to action on their part.

Spurring Your Child to Action

The last thing you want is to feel that you are constantly nagging your kids to spur them to action only to be tuned out by them because they feel that they have something better to do with their time.  Here are two things you can do to be more effective in getting your children to clean their rooms and to help out with chores around the house without driving yourself (or them) crazy:

1. Put an end to whatever your child is doing at the moment and have a talk with him or her. Find out where the problem lies and what is getting in the way of him doing his chores. Find out what else he would like to do with his day and then motivate him to get his work done so he can then get back to doing the things he loves the most. If you consider his self-interests and talk to him from that place then it will be more effective than if you talk about abstract concepts that mean more to adults such as a sense of duty and responsibility. If you do the latter then he may disconnect from the conversation right away and your points will be lost.

2. Keep time on your child when it comes to chores. You can tell your child that the dishes have to get done in in the next 30 minutes. If not then bedtime will be earlier than usual. In this way you are stating how things are going to be and you will not be in a state of constant nagging. Remind your child the next time this happens that he or she does not like having to go to bed earlier so repeating the same thing over again is not recommended. This should get your child up on his feet and give him the incentive to do his tasks because he knows that there is a cost involved if he doesn’t!

You might even want to do the reverse and tell your child that if he completes a task within the next 15 minutes then he can stay up 15 minutes longer. It is important though that the task gets done well and that he does not rush through it to get the reward of staying up 15 minutes longer. This can backfire with some kids however. Try it in your household once or twice and see how it works.

There are plenty of things that you can do to motivate your kids to do the required chores in the home.  Giving your children an allowance is a good practice but it should be tied to doing jobs at home. Think of it as preparing them for the day when they will have to work for their paychecks!

Sibling rivalry is common in many families. Even if your children are very close most of the time and get along very well it is often likely that they will argue and fight sometimes.

There is no sibling rivalry to worry about until your second child comes along. For some first born children the rivalry begins even before their baby brother or sister comes into the world. As the children grow they will find themselves in an emotional tug of war at times. This can be over everything from the attention and love of their parents to the attention from grandparents to toys. As children develop from one stage to another they are constantly changing and different needs can arise which can cause conflict in their sibling relationship. The more children you have the more of a problem sibling rivalry can become.

No parent enjoys watching the result of sibling rivalry. In some households the rivalry can be very mild and can involve only words while in other households it can escalate to become much worse. This rivalry amongst kids in a home can lead to a stressful environment for everyone who resides there. What you need to do is to find reasonable ways to keep the peace and to encourage your children to be able to live in harmony with each other (or at least to make it such that your living environment is civil!).

Why Does Sibling Rivalry Exist?

Kids of both genders as well as kids of the same gender can have disagreements and feel jealous of one another for a number of reasons.  Competition among siblings is something that can get out of control in some homes if one child feels that they are left out or are not receiving enough love or attention from one or both parents. If they experience unequal treatment then they can turn on their sibling and blame the other person for how they are feeling (which is hurt, sad and disappointed).

The temperaments of each boy or girl in a household can contribute to sibling rivalry as can the developing needs of each individual. The ways in which a child’s identity is developing and how he or she is changing can lead to bickering, competition, jealousy and anger towards a sibling. For teens a need for independence and a need to assert one’s own individuality can be a contributing factor to the rivalry between siblings.

The way parents model for their children can also make a difference to how the kids relate and interact with each other. As well if a child is sick or requires more time or attention from a parent then the other sibling in a family can end up feeling left out in the cold and in some cases downright unloved. This can cause anger to erupt towards the other sibling.

Coping with Rivalry Amongst Siblings

Nobody enjoys living in a household where fighting, arguing and bickering are daily occurrences. As a parent you may wish to intervene but it is best to not get involved unless you fear that your children may do each other physical harm. Let your children find a way to work out their own problems. You may need to step in however if they are too young to problem solve on their own and to reach an understanding that works for them both.

If your kids call each other names then you can coach your children on what is appropriate to say and not say. You can teach them to express what they are feeling to their sibling without using hurtful words.

You may find that there are times when you must step in to bring an end to the conflict. If you do then you must remain neutral. If you take sides or appear to be saving one child from another then this can lead to more sibling rivalry in the future. What you should aim to do is to resolve the issue with your children or teens but not to resolve it for them.

If you have a strong willed child then you know all about the challenges that come with it. Strong willed children are sometimes referred to as being spirited, stubborn or downright difficult. They are self-motivated and inner-directed and are not swayed easily from their own viewpoints. They stick to their guns and want to be right. When they get their hearts or minds set on something there is no changing their focus or direction.

A strong willed child is not prone to give into the pressure of their peers and often likes to pave their own paths in life. They live their lives at full throttle and they are very passionate about what they want.

Parent in a Sensitive Manner

It may be frustrating to be the parent of a child who is strong willed but if you parent your child in a sensitive manner and do not attempt to break his or her will then he or she has the potential to grow into a strong and independent teenager and then young adult with a mind of his/her own. Strong willed children often become leaders.

It is not uncommon for this type of child to end up in a power struggle with their parents. Parents though can refuse to engage in power struggles and can do everything in their power to avoid these power struggles. They can do this by setting proper limits, offering their son or daughter choices, empathizing with their kid and being respectful of where the child is coming from. If as you parent look for win/win solutions as opposed to just telling you child that your word is law then this will prevent your child from blowing up and it will avoid shouting matches from taking place. In this way you will teach your child how to compromise and how to learn the power of negotiation.

Developing Your Child’s Good Qualities

You want to raise a child who trusts you and vice versa. You want your child to develop self-discipline, a sense of responsibility and to be kind and considerate. You also want your child to be able to trust the things he says and does. This helps him to develop self-confidence in his own abilities. Strong willed kids do not want to submit to the will of their parents because they feel that this compromises their integrity. You want your child to listen to you but you must teach him that you want this not because you are bigger and older than him but because you have his best interests at heart.

Strong willed children can be delightful at the best of times but they can also be high energy, persistent, challenging and a complete handful! How then do you help your child to hold onto the qualities that can help him/he grow into amazing adults while still trying to encourage them to be a little more cooperative? You need to develop positive parenting skills to help your spirited wild child to grow and thrive!

Other Things You Can Do

1. Establish rules and routines in your household so you are not always having to tell your child what to do. In this way you will not be the bad guy in the home because your spirited child will already know the rules.

2. Strong willed child want to be masters of their own domain. When possible allow your child to take charge of her own activities as she can. It may be brushing her teeth or putting her lunch into her school bag. Children who are given the opportunity to feel independent will develop responsibility early in life and will not have as much to rebel against.

3. Offer your child choices as opposed to simply giving her orders. In the same way do not give your power away to your child but give him or her the opportunity to make choices when it is applicable. You are still the parent however so make sure you act in an appropriate parenting role.

Your son or daughter really wants to get a pet. He keeps begging for a puppy or a kitten but you are not sure whether the time is right or not. What should you do?

Pets make absolutely wonderful pets for children and can help to teach them about love and what it means to care for others. They can enrich the lives of those who open up their homes to them. They can also provide many joyous childhood memories for your little ones.

When is the Time Right?

It is not always easy to know when your child is ready for his first pet. The “right time” can be subjective and may not be the exact same for everyone. If you already had a pet when your child was born then having an animal around the house is something that your little one would consider a natural and normal part of family life from the beginning. However if you have a petless household then change will be in the wind when you decide to open your home to an adorable creature.

There are no diehard rules regarding when a child is ready to get his first pet but it is important for the parents to first ascertain how mature their child is before the discussion about having a pet comes up. Experts generally say that children should be at least six to seven years old before parents get them a pet of their own. For some children however this is far too young and is a subject that should be discussed at a future date when the child is old enough to handle having a pet. A family pet that everyone takes care of and is well incorporated into the thread of family life is all together different.

Be Cautious and Careful

Parents must be careful and very cautious when it comes to introducing pets to their children. It is important to protect pets from younger children who have not yet learned how to treat animals. Parents need to teach their little tikes the proper way to behave around pets that are brought into the home. Children do not automatically know this as it is learned behavior.

Children who are two years of age or younger really do not need a pet because they will not comprehend how to act appropriately around an animal. They are too young to understand. When it comes to pets that are already in the home it is important to bring the pet and your infant or toddler together slowly and gradually. You want to set the groundwork for a healthy relationship between the two of them.

Children tend to get excited and exuberant around pets and therefore it is important that your pet be able to handle the ways in which your youngster will react to it. For instance children love to grab at a dog’s fur or his ears or tail and you must feel confident that the dog will not bite or scratch the child as a result of this. This is why it is important for you to exercise the utmost caution.

Best Pet Choices for Children

According to experts at the ASPCA (American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals) gerbils, goldfish and guinea pigs are some of the best choices for pets for young kids. These pets are easy to take care of and can make it possible to teach children how to behave responsibly with animals.

Guinea pigs are friendly pets that squeal when they are happy, are easy to love and rarely bite. They can cope well with the rambunctious ways of most children. Very much the same can be said for gerbils. Goldfish require a minimal amount of daily care and can provide hours of entertainment and fun for your kids.

Once children get into middle school and have developed a higher degree of responsibility then you may wish to think about bringing a larger pet into the home, such as a cat, dog or rabbit. According to the website PetMD.com the most kid friendly dog breeds include golden retriever, labrador retriever, poodle, Irish setter, and vizsla.

We recently encountered a situation where friend of my kids stole some toys from the house. I was in the living room while the boy was playing nearby. I noticed that he kept looking at me to see if I was watching him while he played. I saw him fold some toys in his hands and then casually get up and go out of the room.  I thought I saw him put something in his pocket.  He said he was going to go visit another friend.  My suspicion increased.  I was pretty sure some of our lego guys were in his pockets so I asked him if he had put any of the legos in his pocket. He told me no and I asked him if he was sure. He was sure.  I was pretty confident I had seen him sneak the legos away and put them in his pocket but I knew I could have been wrong.  My mind started reeling.  What should I do?  How should I handle this?  Why didn’t I ask him to empty his pockets (nicely of course)?

It turned out he left something at our house andI knew he had to come back, so I waited. My husband came home and I told him what happened. We talked about it and decided to wait for the boy to come back. When he came for his forgotten object, my husband casually asked, “We are missing some legos, did any end up in your pockets? Could you check?”  The boy felt in his pockets and said, “Oh, I guess I put some in there.”  Busted.

My husband said, “Thanks for checking.  We don’t want to lose our legos.”  And off the boy went back to his house.  After he left my husband and I realized we have several options on how to deal with this situation.

How would we want someone else to deal with our children should they steal something from another child? We would want them to be kind, but direct.  Not yell and shame.  I’m glad for his sake that he got caught.  Learning at a young age when the consequences are less costly is a lot better than learning them when the “price is higher” (i.e. stealing toys from a friend when you are 6 or 7 years old vs. stealing $$ from friends while older or stealing cars etc.) Of course a 4 year old taking toys from a friend’s house deserves a different approach to consequences than a 6+ old child.  A 4 year old may not fully understand what he/she did was wrong and need to be told directly “taking toys from a friend’s house without permission is wrong”.  A 7/8 year old is much more aware of appropriate behavior at a playmate’s house.

What should the consequences be for that child the next time he comes to our house? Possible options:

• Tell his parents and come up with a plan together.
• Make sure we put the legos away when he comes over to play.  (The boy likes legos a lot so I think they are a particular temptation for him)
• Ask him to check his legos to make sure that none of our other legos “accidentally” made it back to his home.
• Not let him play at our house anymore.
• Be a little more direct and tell him we know that it wasn’t an accident that those legos ended up in his pockets and that he won’t be allowed to play legos at our house anymore.
• Check his pockets everytime he leaves our house.
• Let it go and hope he doesn’t do it again.

Some of these options are more appealing than others.  What we ended up doing was talking to his parents and let them know what happened. I talked to his mom and told her that if the situation was reversed I would want to know what was going on with my kid.  We had a good conversation (although I admit I was very nervous because I don’t know the parents VERY well and I was worried about relational consequences–would she think I was accusing her of being a bad parent?  Their faith beliefs are different from ours–would she feel like we were being judgemental religious people?  Would she think I made the whole thing up?).  I told her that her son is always welcome to come play at our house. He is a very sweet boy and he plays well with the kids.  She was glad I told her and shared with me some things going on with the boy.

My husband and I decided that we would keep the legos put away when he comes to play and that he is welcome to play at our house anytime.  I feel satisfied in the way we handled the situation.  This was one of those issues that surprised me–I wasn’t really expecting to deal with stealing at such young ages (okay, I don’t think I was even aware that I MIGHT have to deal with it one day).  It was a good life lesson for all involved.

Have you ever encountered a similar situation?  How did you handle it?

photo courtesy of pooyall